Are you worried that God might disapprove of you and send you to hell one day? Don’t worry, the Bible has a solution for you! If you want to make sure God will forgive you, all you have to do is… insult Jesus.

Jesus says anyone and everyone who speaks a word against him will be forgiven. So if you want to stay on God’s good side, all you have to do is say…

“Jesus is an ugly, bad-breathed, ignorant, rude, heretical, blaspheming, deliberately divisive, lying, xenophobic, hatemongering, violent, lawbreaking, motherfucking bastard.”

There, that was easy. Now all you have to worry about is getting sent to heaven!