Monthly Archives: October 2023

The Bible is disgusting

The bad book, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Good news: According to the Bible, you don’t ever need to worry about what you will eat. You can just let God take care of you, and he’ll provide you with all the food you need! He’ll drop it all over the ground and make you pick up unknown substances off the ground and eat them.

If a man suspects his wife might be cheating on him, God’s solution is to force her to drink some water contaminated with dust from the floor and ink from a scroll. God claims that this will only harm her if she’s actually guilty.

If you want to be a Nazirite for some reason, then when you’re done being that, somebody’s going to have to place a boiled shoulder in your hands.

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Can sin exist without the law?

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No.

According to Paul, the law produces sin, and without the law, there is no sin. Sin only comes to life when there are commandments to give it an opportunity. He says the only reason we have any desire to sin is that the law makes us feel that way. Where there is no law, there can be no transgression. And 1 John says if someone sins, then there must be a law that they’re breaking, because that’s what sin is.

Yes.

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The Story of the Mighty Warriors—
The Ungrateful Jerk

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One day, while David was fighting the Philistines, he complained that he was thirsty. There was a well over near where the Philistines were encamped. So three of David’s best warriors risked their lives to bring him some water from that well. But then David refused to drink it, claiming that they had brought him blood instead of water. He poured the water out on the ground.

The end.

The moral of the story

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The Ungrateful Jerk →
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What was the name of the king who thought David was insane?

Contradictions, ,

In the story where David acts like a madman in front of a Philistine king because David is so evil that he’s actually less threatening that way, it says the king in question was Achish of Gath. But in the note at the beginning of a psalm that David supposedly wrote at that time, it says the king’s name was Abimelek.

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Biblical euphemism translation guide

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The Bible gets rather more interesting when you know about all the euphemisms that the writers and translators apparently used.

Biblical euphemisms for male genitals include:

  • “Thigh”
  • “Waist”
  • “Feet”
  • “Hand”
  • “Grasshopper”

Biblical euphemisms for female genitals include:

  • “Waist”
  • “Mouth”
  • “Feet”
  • “Scalp“
  • “Pomegranates”

Biblical euphemisms for sex include:

  • “Knowing” someone
  • “Grinding”
  • “Eating”
  • “Spreading one’s garment over” someone

The “Song of Songs” is full of euphemisms for various sex acts. And apparently when it says “Our bed is verdant“, it means “We’re having sex out on the grass”.

With all that in mind, here are some fun Bible passages to read, which may or may not contain euphemisms…

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