Category Archives: Bible stories

The Parable of the Big Tree

A certain cedar of Lebanon was the biggest and most beautiful tree around, even bigger and more beautiful than the ones in God’s garden. But God thought it was wicked for the cedar to stand so tall and proud, so he let a ruthless emperor cut it down. He warned the other trees not to grow taller than the rest, or they would die too. Then all the other trees in Lebanon died too. (Presumably because there was always a tallest remaining tree.)

The end.

The moral of the story

Don’t be tall and beautiful.

Continue reading The Parable of the Big Tree
Share this post:

The Parable of the Dirty Pot

Someone cooked meat in a pot. But some food got baked onto the pot and wouldn’t come off. Not even when he set the pot on fire.

The end.

The moral of the story

After you set the pot on the coals, don’t forget to pour a little water in, to soften the baked-on food, and then scrape it off with a spatula.

Continue reading The Parable of the Dirty Pot
Share this post:

The Parable of the Gardening Eagles

An eagle planted a vine. The vine grew toward the eagle, until another eagle came and watered the vine, and then the vine grew toward that eagle. Then some people came and pulled the vine out of the ground, and it withered and died.

Continue reading The Parable of the Gardening Eagles
Share this post:

The Parable of the Failed Vineyard

Someone tried to plant a vineyard, but the grapes he grew weren’t any good. He couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong, so he decided it must be the grapes’ fault. And so he destroyed his vineyard.

The end.

The moral of the story

Don’t over-water your vineyard.

Continue reading The Parable of the Failed Vineyard
Share this post:

The Parable of the Thistle of Lebanon

A thistle asked a cedar of Lebanon for permission for the thistle’s son to marry the cedar’s daughter. But before it could get a reply, a wild beast came and trampled the thistle to death.

The end.

The moral of the story

Don’t live outdoors in the forest. There are dangerous wild animals there.

Interpretation

Don’t go to war against Israel. There’s a dangerous evil king there. I have no idea what that has to do with thistles marrying cedars, though.

Continue reading The Parable of the Thistle of Lebanon
Share this post:

The Parable of the Rich Thief

Once there was a rich man and a poor man. The poor man had nothing but one lamb, but he loved it much more than the rich man loved any of the many sheep he had. When a traveler came and stayed with the rich man, the rich man needed a sheep to make a meal for the traveler. But instead of using one of his own sheep, the rich man stole the poor man’s lamb. King David said the rich man should be killed, and be forced to give the poor man four new lambs.

Continue reading The Parable of the Rich Thief
Share this post:

The Parable of the Trees

One day, some trees went to find a king to rule over them. They asked an olive tree to be their king, but the olive tree was too busy making olive oil for gods and humans to enjoy. So then they asked a fig tree to be their king, but the fig tree was too busy making delicious figs. Next, they asked a grape vine to be their king, but the vine was too busy making wine for gods and humans to enjoy.

Continue reading The Parable of the Trees
Share this post:

The Story of the Circum-Schism
Paul Hijacks Christianity

Ignorant outsider declares himself the authority on Christianity

When a man named Paul (also known as Saul) saw that Stephen had been killed, he approved. With the high priest’s permission, Paul started beating, imprisoning, and killing all the Christians he could find.

But then, while Paul was going from Jerusalem to Damascus, Jesus blinded him with a flash of light from heaven, and then sent a Christian from Damascus to un-blind him. Paul had a change of heart, but he just couldn’t make himself stop sinning.

Paul spent several days with the Christians in Damascus, during which he didn’t learn anything about Jesus from them. Then he suddenly started proclaiming that Jesus was the son of God, which confused everyone.

The Jews in Damascus wanted to kill Paul now that he was promoting Christianity. But he escaped back to Jerusalem, and tried to join the Christians there. At first they didn’t believe that their enemy was really a Christian now, but someone convinced them.

But then the Jews there tried to kill him too. So Paul went away and started preaching his own foolish message of Christianity to the world. People thought he was insane. Paul preached only to foreigners, who weren’t familiar with Jesus and so had no preconceived ideas of what he was actually like. Paul and his companions suggested that they might harm people who didn’t do what he thought God wanted. And the terrified foreigners complied.

Three years later, Paul went to Jerusalem briefly and met the Christians there for the first time, again. The apostle Peter (also known as Simon or Cephas) also started preaching Christianity to Gentiles, which the other Christians of Judea thought was wrong. They thought only Jews could be Christians. But Peter said he had had a dream that God told him to eat animals that were forbidden by God’s law. Therefore, it must be okay for Gentiles to be Christians.

Paul briefly questions the reliability of his knowledge about Jesus

Over a decade later, Paul heard that Christians from Judea were teaching Gentiles that they couldn’t be saved unless they were circumcised. Paul, having never actually met Jesus nor learned the original church’s doctrine, had been teaching something quite different. He had taught his followers that Jesus had made all those useless old Jewish laws obsolete. Especially circumcision.

So Paul decided to go to Jerusalem again, to talk with the apostles and make sure he was getting the message right. He found that, contrary to what he thought the spirit of Jesus had revealed to him, the original Christian church believed that all Christians had to follow all the Jewish laws, including circumcision. Peter, who tended to say foolish things, discussed the matter with Paul, who he thought was awfully hard to understand. They seemed to come to an agreement, but that didn’t last long.

The apostles sent Paul out with a letter telling the Gentile Christians that they only had to follow a few Jewish laws. But Paul really didn’t think even Jews needed to follow even those laws. He sometimes pretended to think people were still under the law though, in order to be more convincing to people who thought that way.

The original Christians attempt to debunk Paul’s misinformation

Then Jesus’s brother James convinced Peter and the rest of the Jewish Christian church and even Paul’s companion Barnabas that Gentile Christians did indeed have to live like Jews. Paul opposed them and called them hypocrites.

The Jewish Christian church in Jerusalem sent out their own missionaries to the foreign churches Paul had founded, teaching them their version of Christianity, which Paul disagreed with. They taught Paul’s followers that they had to obey the Jewish laws, including circumcision. They pointed out that they were Jesus’s own chosen apostles, and Paul was not. Some members of Paul’s churches started turning away from Paul and his comrade Apollos, and started following Peter.

So Paul started writing his followers defensive letters, proclaiming himself to be an apostle. He insulted and demonized the “other” apostles, insisting that they weren’t any better than him, and he didn’t need their opinions.

Paul’s insistence on lawlessness gets him arrested

Continue reading The Story of the Circum-Schism
Paul Hijacks Christianity
Share this post:

The Story of the Martyrdom of Stephen
The Speech of a Fool

Jesus had told his disciples that whenever they got arrested, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit would be there to tell them the right thing to say. He said God would make them sound so wise that no one would be able to argue with them. But when the Spirit tried to help them decide what to say, it mostly just made them groan and babble incoherently. This made people think the Christians were out of their minds.

Continue reading The Story of the Martyrdom of Stephen
The Speech of a Fool
Share this post:

The Story of Ananias and Sapphira
The Communist Cult

The disciples of Jesus were given the ability to perform miracles better than Jesus, and they convinced thousands of people to join their new religion. The members of this original Christian church didn’t keep any personal property; they shared everything they had. Everything they earned had to be brought to their leaders to be distributed among the community according to their needs.

The goal was for everyone to be equally well off, with no one having too little or too much. Everyone was to be paid the same regardless of how much or how little work they did, just as Jesus (and his ancestor David) had taught.

Continue reading The Story of Ananias and Sapphira
The Communist Cult
Share this post: