The Story of David and Jonathan
The Gay Story

Saul hates David, Saul’s children love David

After David killed Goliath, women from all over Israel started singing and dancing and claiming that David had slain tens of thousands, but Saul had only slain thousands. This made Saul jealous and angry at David, and they became enemies.

The next day, Saul tried to kill David twice by throwing a spear at him, but he missed both times. Since Saul wasn’t able to kill David himself, he decided to let his other enemies do it for him. So Saul offered to let David marry his daughter Merab if David fought some more Philistines. But David didn’t think he was worthy of becoming the king’s son-in-law, because he wasn’t rich and famous enough.

(Even though women all over Israel were singing his praises. Even though he had been chosen by God to become king of Israel. Even though Saul had promised to give great wealth and his daughter to whoever killed Goliath.)

So Merab married somebody else. But Saul found out that his other daughter, Michal, was in love with David, so Saul offered to let David marry her if he killed 100 Philistines. So David forgot about his supposed unworthiness, and killed 200 Philistines and brought their foreskins to Saul,1 and then David married Michal. Then Saul found out that Michal was in love with David. Again.

But David loved Saul’s son Jonathan more than he loved women. Jonathan loved David too, so he took off his clothes and became one with him. Jonathan informed David (who had already had to dodge Saul’s spear twice) that Saul was trying to get David killed. Jonathan knew this because Saul had told Jonathan to kill David. Then Jonathan told Saul that there was no reason to kill David for no reason, so Saul promised to stop trying to kill David.

Idol threats

But then God sent an evil spirit that made Saul throw a spear at David again, so David ran away from Saul’s house and stayed at his own house. Saul sent men to wait outside David’s house that night and kill him in the morning. When David realized that Saul’s men had come to kill him, he wrote a song about it.2 Then he threatened to kill his wife if she didn’t help him escape, so she lowered him through a window, and distracted Saul’s men with a decoy made from an idol that she had handy for some reason.

Saul went after David so he could capture him and kill him, but when he ran into Samuel and some other men, God made Saul strip off his clothes and lie down with the men and spend the night with them.

Back to square one

Then David “fled” from his hiding place and went to live with Saul again for some reason. He asked Jonathan, who Saul had told to kill him, why Saul was trying to kill him. But Jonathan said Saul couldn’t be trying to kill him at all, because if he was, he would have told Jonathan about it.3 David said that Saul hadn’t told Jonathan because he knew he liked David.

David said he would hide from Saul during the feast he was expected to attend the next day, and if Saul was upset that David wasn’t there, that would somehow prove that he wanted to kill him. Then Jonathan informed David that he would be expected at a feast the next day, and Saul would notice that David wasn’t there.

Come out and fight

The next day, there was a feast, and Saul wondered why David hadn’t come to eat with him after he had repeatedly tried to kill David. The day after that, David still didn’t come to eat with Saul, so he asked Jonathan where David was. Jonathan told him that David had gone to visit his brothers in Bethlehem.

When Saul heard that, he insulted his own wife, told Jonathan that his relationship with David was shameful, and ordered Jonathan to have David killed. When Jonathan protested, Saul threw his spear at him. Then Jonathan realized that Saul wanted to kill David.

Jonathan informed David about this using a pointless secret code involving a bow and arrows and a confused little boy, as if he couldn’t talk to David in person. Then he talked to David in person. David and Jonathan kissed each other, and then David ran away from Saul’s house. Again.

The end.

The moral of the story

Don’t take song lyrics so seriously.

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