A wise man built a house on rock, and a foolish man built a house on sand. Then a flood and a strong wind came, and the foolish man’s house was destroyed, but the wise man’s house survived.
Continue reading The Parable of the Two BuildersIs anything deprived of the warmth of the sun?
David says the sun runs its course from one end of the heavens to the other, and nothing is deprived of its warmth. And Jesus says God causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good alike.
But Job, who speaks the truth about God, says God speaks to the sun and it does not shine. So everything must be deprived of the warmth of the sun when he does that. And when God speaks to Job later, he says the wicked are denied light.
David, contradicting his own previous claim, acknowledges that a stillborn child never sees the sun. And his son Solomon mentions the same thing.
Continue reading Is anything deprived of the warmth of the sun?The Bible’s questions, answered—part 16: Answers to questions in John
The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the gospel of John.
Two of John the Baptist’s disciples ask Jesus: Where are you staying? (Jesus’s answer is to take them to see the place where he’s staying.) Alternative biblical answer: He has no place to lay his head. Jesus said so, so it must be true.
Nathanael asks: Can anything good come from Nazareth? Answer: It’s the Silicon Valley of the Arab community.
A Samaritan woman asks Jesus: You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink? Answer: Why not? Do you think he has to be prejudiced just because he’s a Jew? I think you’re projectjudiced.
She asks Jesus: Where can you get this living water? Answer: For all we know, he can’t. The Bible never says Jesus actually permanently cured anyone’s thirst.
The non-Iscariot Judas asks Jesus: Why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world? Answer: Because Jesus hates the world, and doesn’t want to have to save it.
Pilate asks the Jewish religious leaders: What charges are you bringing against this man? Answer: Jewish blasphemy law violations that the Romans can’t prosecute, because they aren’t against the Roman law, so it’s pointless to bring those charges.
Pilate asks: Am I a Jew? Answer: I don’t think so.
He asks: What is truth? Answer: Truth is when what you think or say matches reality.
The Jews’ questions
Nicodemus asks: How can someone be born when they are old? Answer: Who said you have to do it when you’re old?
The Jews ask: How can this man give us his flesh to eat? Answer: Let me see… He could cut off parts of himself for you, or he could give you permission to eat him after he dies,1 or he could just let you eat him alive…
The Jewish religious leaders ask: Where is he? Answer: Jesus is at the festival he said he wasn’t going to go to.
The Jews at the temple ask: How did this man get such learning without having been taught? Answer: He didn’t. Jesus has been learning from religious teachers since he was a boy.
The Jews ask Jesus: Who is trying to kill you? Answer: The leaders are trying to kill him. The common people, who Jesus just accused of trying to kill him, are not.
Some of the people of Jerusalem ask: Isn’t this the man they are trying to kill? Answer: Yes.
And they ask: Have the authorities really concluded that he is the Messiah? Answer: No.
The Pharisees ask: Have any of the rulers or any of the Pharisees believed in him? (Their self answer: No!) Real answer: Yes.
The teachers of the law and Pharisees ask Jesus: In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone adulterous women. Now what do you say? Answer: Jesus says rules that he made up, that are incompatible with God’s Law.
The Jews ask: Will he kill himself? Is that why he says, “Where I go, you cannot come”? Answer: I didn’t know Jews were immortal.
Some Jews ask Jesus: Aren’t we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed? Answer: No, he’s not a Samaritan.
And they ask him: Who do you think you are? Answer: He thinks he’s the son of God.2
Some Pharisees ask: How can a sinner perform such signs? Answer: According to God, false prophets can do miracles too. And it sounds like God even helps them do their miracles, for sinful purposes.
Many Jews who hear Jesus talking ask: He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him? Answer: To hear for yourself how crazy he is.
Other Jews disagree, and ask: Can a demon open the eyes of the blind? Answer: Demons can perform signs, so I don’t see why not.
After Lazarus dies, some Jews ask: Couldn’t he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying? Answer: Jesus could have kept him from dying if he wanted to, but he chose not to, just because he wanted to get to show off.
Before Passover, many Jews ask: Isn’t he coming to the festival at all? Answer: Yes.
An official asks Jesus: Is this the way you answer the high priest? Answer: Yes, the way Jesus answered the high priest is the way Jesus answers the high priest.
Jesus’s questions
Continue reading The Bible’s questions, answered—part 16: Answers to questions in JohnHow many wives did Jacob have?
Jacob wanted to marry Laban’s daughter Rachel, but Laban tricked him into marrying Rachel’s sister Leah instead. Then Laban let him marry Rachel too.
Later, it says Rachel gave Jacob her servant Bilhah as a wife. And then Leah gave him her servant Zilpah as a wife. So Jacob had four wives.
But after that, it says Jacob was traveling with “his two wives” and “his two female servants”. Since when does he only have two wives?
Continue reading How many wives did Jacob have?The Parable of the Two Sisters
There were two sisters named Oholah and Oholibah, who were prostitutes. A man married both of them, even though he thought their prostitution was disgusting. Then the man got all the women’s lovers to come and murder them and their children after cutting off their noses and ears.3
The end.
The moral of the story
Don’t marry someone who hates you.
Interpretation
Continue reading The Parable of the Two SistersDoes God want people to sacrifice their children?
No.
God’s law says you shouldn’t sacrifice your children to Molek, and if you do, you can be stoned to death. It also says not to sacrifice your sons and daughters in the fire at all. Not even as a way of worshiping God, because God hates it when people worship their gods that way. Whenever God’s people and kings do sacrifice their children, the Bible generally says that what they’re doing is detestable and evil and makes God angry.
God told Jeremiah repeatedly that it had never even occurred to him to command people to do such a detestable thing as to burn their children in the fire. God told Ezekiel that his people were defiling themselves with this bloodshed. Hosea says God threatened to destroy his people for sinning by offering human sacrifices. And Micah didn’t seem to think God wanted him to offer his firstborn, or anything else, for that matter. David too claims that God doesn’t desire sacrifices and offerings at all.
Yes.
But obviously David and Micah were wrong to think that God didn’t want sacrifices. God’s laws demand loads of those. And sometimes he even demands that people sacrifice their children to him.
Continue reading Does God want people to sacrifice their children?The Bible’s questions, answered—part 15: Answers to questions in Matthew and Mark
The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the gospels of Matthew and Mark.4
The Magi ask: Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? Answer: The Jews had some kings who started reigning pretty young, but I don’t think they ever had one who was king from birth.
John the Baptist asks Jesus: I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me? Answer: Yes, he comes to you. I don’t know why, but he does.
The legion of demons ask Jesus: What do you want with us, Son of God? Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time? Answer: No, he’s just going to let you do whatever you want.
John the Baptist’s disciples ask Jesus: Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else? Answer: Neither.
People who see Jesus performing miracles ask: Could this be the Son of David? Answer: Nah, he’d be much older if he was.
Some people from Jairus’s house ask him: Your daughter is dead. Why bother the teacher anymore? Answer: Because she’s not dead.
In one of Jesus’s parables, a king (this character represents God) asks one of his servants: Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? Answer: Well, his fellow servant owed him a lot less than the hopelessly enormous debt that this servant had owed you. I would think that makes a difference. Plus, you’re a king, so you presumably didn’t really need the money all that badly. I would think that makes a difference, too. You don’t think everybody should always be required to forgive every debt they’re owed, do you? Because if you did, that would be the same as condoning theft.
In another parable, an employer (representing God) asks: Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Answer: Yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that whatever you do with your money is right.
The employer asks his workers: Or are you envious because I am generous? Answer: No, I’m pretty sure the problem they have with you has more to do with how selective your “generosity” is.
In another parable, a king (representing God) asks a guest at his son’s wedding: How did you get in here without wedding clothes? Answer: It probably has something to do with the fact that all your guests are random people that you had indiscriminately dragged in off the streets at the last minute.
A man asks Jesus: What good thing must I do to get eternal life? Answer: Who said the requirements were about doing good things? To get eternal life, you have to have a life full of hardships and suffering and bad things that you hate. (While also gaining lots of friends by being wealthy.) And you have to avoid doing and saying things God doesn’t like.
You can also get eternal life for arbitrary things like being part of the same household as a Christian, or being from Israel. Except you also have to believe in Jesus to be saved, and there’s not very much overlap between that and being from Israel. Really, whether you get eternal life is up to God’s arbitrary choice, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Or maybe you could try letting Satan destroy your flesh. That might help.
Some bystanders ask some of Jesus’s disciples: What are you doing, untying that colt? Answer: Yes.
Pilate asks Jesus: Are you the king of the Jews? Answer: No, Jesus refused to be the king of the Jews.
When the Jews demand that Jesus be crucified, Pilate asks: Why? What crime has he committed? Answer: Jesus’s crimes include…
- Obstruction of justice
- Counterfeiting
- Vandalism, theft, and destruction of others’ property
- Assault with a weapon
- Inciting violence
- False prophecy (a capital offense under God’s law)
- Blasphemy
- Working on the Sabbath (a capital offense under God’s law)
- Trying to change God’s laws
- Treason (supposing it was true that he was trying to become king of the Jews)
The disciples’ questions
After Jesus tells the storm to stop, his disciples ask: What kind of man is this? Answer: An ugly, bad-breathed, ignorant, rude, heretical, blaspheming, deliberately divisive, lying, xenophobic, hatemongering, violent, lawbreaking, motherfucking bastard.
After Jesus drives out a demon that his disciples had failed to drive out, his disciples ask: Why couldn’t we drive it out? Answer: Apparently it works better if you don’t invoke the name of Jesus.
Jesus’s disciples ask him: Why do you speak to the people in parables? Answer: Because he wants to let Satan sabotage his efforts, apparently.
Jesus’s disciples ask: Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? (Jesus’s answer: Whoever takes the lowly position of a child.) Alternative biblical answer: Whoever’s the best at following the rules.
When Jesus says the temple is going to be destroyed, his disciples ask him: When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age? Answer: 70 AD, and nothing.
The Jewish religious leaders’ questions
The teachers of the law ask: Why does this fellow talk like that? Answer: Because he thinks it will somehow be easier if he uses more words than necessary, and then has to explain himself, and then repeats even longer versions of both the long and the short versions of what he wanted to say.
They ask: Who can forgive sins but God alone? Answer: The disciples can, apparently. I guess they must be God too.
The Pharisees ask Jesus’s disciples: Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners? Answer: Because no one else exists.
Some Pharisees ask: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Answer: It is now.
When Jesus implies that it’s not lawful, they ask: Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Answer: He didn’t.
The chief priests ask: Do you hear what these children are saying? Answer: Yeah, they’re saying a word that they seem to have mistaken for an expression of praise.
The high priest asks Jesus: Are you not going to answer? Answer: No, not really.
He asks Jesus: What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you? Answer: It’s mostly true.
Jesus’s questions
Continue reading The Bible’s questions, answered—part 15: Answers to questions in Matthew and MarkHas anyone besides Jesus gone to heaven?
Yes.
Job claimed to have a friend who was in heaven, who interceded between him and God.
The last time anyone on earth saw Elijah, he was being taken up to heaven in a whirlwind.
Isaiah said the king of Babylon had fallen from heaven. He also mentioned that the king had said he would ascend to the heavens, and evidently he had succeeded. How else would he have fallen from there?
Jesus claimed that starting during the life of John the Baptist, violent people had been raiding the kingdom of heaven. Jesus also said a criminal would go to paradise the day he died.
Paul claimed to know a man who “was caught up to the third heaven“, or paradise. And Paul also said that God had raised his followers up and seated them in the heavenly realms.
No.
Continue reading Has anyone besides Jesus gone to heaven?The Parable of the Nymphomaniac
Some Canaanites had a baby girl, but they hated her for some reason, so they left her to die in a field. A man found the baby lying there naked, and he magically made her grow up and become beautiful. Then he abandoned her too.
Later, the man came back and noticed that the naked girl was all grown up! She had boobs and everything. So he married her. But this woman had an extremely high sex drive, and her husband couldn’t satisfy her. So she started having sex with her well-endowed Egyptian neighbors, and with every stranger who passed by. She made statues of men and had sex with them, too.
Her husband was furious and called her a whore, even though he knew that she was actually the one paying for all that sex. He tried to punish her by stripping her in front of all her lovers, as if they hadn’t already seen her naked. Then the beautiful woman’s lovers got a mob to come and kill her, for some reason.
The end.
Interpretation
Continue reading The Parable of the NymphomaniacShould people believe the truth?
Yes.
Jesus thinks that if he tells people the truth, they should believe it.
Paul points out that if you think you’re something when you’re not, you’re deceiving yourself. And he presumably thinks that would be a bad thing, or else what would be the point of mentioning it?
Paul also says that people who don’t believe the truth will be condemned, and that people can be saved through belief in the truth.
And he advises Timothy to turn away from ideas that are falsely called knowledge.