God kills people a lot. If you want to make sure God won’t kill you, maybe the stories in the Bible can help you figure out what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Here are some Bible-based tips for staying on God’s good side:

Things to avoid

• Don’t get too good at complimenting people.
• Don’t neglect to impregnate your brother’s wife.
• Don’t approach God when you’re not wearing the right underwear.
• Convince God to stay away from you. Otherwise, he might kill you just because he can’t control himself. You’re only safe if God is not with you.
• Never make offerings to God. It’s too easy to do it wrong and offend him.
• Never be happy about or indifferent to anything that God gets upset about.
• Don’t mourn when God murders your loved ones.
• If you want something, don’t ask God for it, because sometimes he acts like a malicious genie.
• Don’t tell the truth about how bad a job God is doing when he tries to do good things for people.
• If God gives you a place to live, don’t stay there.
• Don’t let your brother do a miracle slightly differently from how God wants it done.
• Don’t obey God. Don’t attack who God sends you to attack.
• Always listen to prophets when they tell you what to do. You’d better not criticize the prophets, or let anyone in your family criticize them either. Don’t try to tell prophets what to do, and don’t question their claims. Just blindly obey all prophets, even when they want you to injure them.
• Don’t listen to prophets who claim to be telling you what God wants you to do. They might be lying. If you take advice from God’s prophets, he might destroy your whole nation.
• Don’t marry a prophet, or God might decide to kill you just to try to make a point. (Even when he knows that won’t be an effective way to make his point.)
• Don’t marry God, if you’re a prostitute.
• Never fail to get advice from God, even when he refuses to give you any.
• Don’t look inside the ark of the covenant at the things God told Moses to put there so people could look at them.
• Don’t try to protect the ark of the covenant.
• Don’t have wicked parents or children.
• Don’t have parents who do things God doesn’t want done. Or any other family members, either.
• Don’t let your parents conceive you in a sinful way.
• Don’t let any of your ancestors sin. Even if God forces them to.
• Don’t live in a country ruled by people with delusions of grandeur.
• Don’t live in a country governed by people who obey God.
• Stay away from lions when it’s time for God to feed them.
• Don’t roar at God.
• Don’t be a good person. God thinks killing good people is a good way to make sure nothing bad happens to them.
• If you’re a destroyer, don’t stop destroying, or God might decide it’s time for you to be destroyed.
• Don’t be anywhere near other people God wants to kill.
• Don’t whitewash your walls.
• Don’t think you’re wise, even if you are.
• Never retire.
• Don’t get mistaken for a god.
• Don’t be God’s son.
• Don’t resist when your community turns communist.
• Don’t follow or even learn about God’s law.
• Don’t be ignorant of God’s law.
• Don’t be unaware of who Jesus is, even when Jesus is actively trying to hide who he is.
• Don’t eat or drink anything unless you’re sure you’re doing it in a way that God approves of. If you eat too much, God might decide to destroy your city.

How to stop him when you think he’s going to kill you