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Things the Bible doesn’t say

There are a lot of things that aren’t in the Bible, but for some reason everybody assumes they are.

Old Testament stories

The Bible doesn’t say Adam had another wife named Lilith. The only “lilith” mentioned in the Bible is some kind of creature that Isaiah said would haunt the ruins of Edom. Possibly a demon, or maybe just an owl. And the word Isaiah uses is plural, so it’s not an individual. The idea of Lilith being a wife of Adam seems to have come from an 8th-century work of satirical fiction.

The Bible doesn’t say Adam and Eve ate an apple. It just says they ate a certain kind of fruit that was forbidden. You don’t think eating apples is forbidden, do you? I’m not sure why anyone would assume the fruit that was forbidden was an apple, when they don’t regard apples as forbidden in any other context.1

It doesn’t say that nudity became sinful when Adam and Eve sinned, or that their sin was actually discovering sex, or anything like that. The first thing God ever said to humans was telling them to reproduce, so he clearly didn’t have a problem with sex. And it never says God thought there was anything wrong with people being naked. That was Adam and Eve’s own sin-induced perception, which God didn’t really seem to agree with.

It doesn’t say Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve’s only children. They were their first, but it says Adam had other sons and daughters. Noah, and therefore everyone after him, was descended from Adam and Eve’s son Seth, not from Cain. (At least not patrilineally.)

It doesn’t say the mark of Cain was a curse of any kind. It says God cursed Cain, but then agreed to also give him a mark that would prevent people from killing him. Having the mark was desirable for Cain. It also doesn’t say Cain’s mark was the origin of dark skin. The Bible never says what the mark looked like. It doesn’t say Ham or his son Canaan had dark skin, either.

The Bible doesn’t say the dove brought back an olive branch to Noah. It was an olive leaf. Only one English version I know of mistranslates it as a branch.

It doesn’t say Job was patient. In fact, Job specifically rejects the idea that there’s any reason he should be patient. His resolve to refrain from criticizing God lasts no more than the first two chapters. Then for the next thirty chapters or so, he does almost nothing but rant about how cruelly and unjustly God is treating him, and how he can’t wait to meet God so he can let him know what God has done wrong.2 I have no idea why people think of Job as patient. What could he have done that would show less patience?

It doesn’t say God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of homosexuality. The Sodomite men in the story do seem to be gay; they all want to have sex with the men visiting Lot, and they aren’t interested when Lot offers to let them have sex with his daughters instead.3 But the Bible never says that was why God destroyed Sodom.

There are two passages in the Bible that give specific reasons for Sodom and Gomorrah being considered evil. One is a list of failings that have nothing to do with sex. The other says they were punished for sexual immorality, but it doesn’t specify what kind of acts they were being punished for.

The Bible doesn’t say Joseph was the youngest son of Jacob. Benjamin was the youngest.

It doesn’t say God killed Onan for masturbating. It says God killed him for refusing to impregnate his brother’s wife. He could have completely avoided any kind of sexual act, and God still would have killed him. It doesn’t say Onan ever masturbated, and God never said there was anything wrong with masturbation anyway.

It doesn’t say Moses grew up not knowing he was a Hebrew. There is no scene in the Bible where he finds out he was adopted.

It doesn’t say the Pharaoh that Moses freed Israel from was Ramesses II. Most Pharaohs mentioned in the Bible, including that one, go unnamed.

It doesn’t say atheists are fools, or that they’re uncommonly evil. That verse in the Psalms says fools are atheists, which is not the same thing. If all fools are atheists, it’s still possible that most atheists aren’t fools. And it says everyone in the world is evil, not just the atheists.

It doesn’t say Jezebel was a prostitute. Apparently some people think she was because it mentions her putting on makeup once?? But in context, it certainly doesn’t seem like she’s trying to seduce anyone.

It doesn’t say Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Every translation I know of calls it a fish. Not that the ancient writers of the story would have even been aware of that distinction. And the mention of the fish in the book of Matthew does sometimes get translated as “whale”. But still, that’s not what the actual book of Jonah says. So why do people always call it a whale?

New Testament stories

The Bible doesn’t say anything about an “immaculate conception”. It does mention a virgin birth, of course, but the immaculate conception is something entirely different. Immaculate conception means being conceived without inheriting sin, which some Christians believe is true of Jesus’s mother Mary. But that didn’t become an official part of Catholic belief until the 19th century, because the Bible says nothing about it.

It doesn’t say how old Mary was when she married Joseph. Getting married at 12 wouldn’t have been anything unusual in the past, but the Bible doesn’t actually mention her age. Or his.

It doesn’t say Mary and Joseph were immigrants when Jesus was born. Some American liberals like to call them “undocumented immigrants” or “refugees” for some reason. They were not any of those things. At least not until they fled to Egypt a couple of years later, which I’m pretty sure is not what those people have in mind.

It doesn’t say Mary and Joseph had to stay in a stable because there was no room in the inn and they couldn’t go somewhere else because she was about to give birth. It just says she gave birth “while they were there”, not necessarily the night they arrived. And it doesn’t even mention an inn or a stable at all! All it says is that Mary put her baby in a manger “because there was no guest room available“. More likely, they were staying with relatives. With the livestock that the relatives had brought into their house, because people did that back then.

It doesn’t actually mention any animals being present when Jesus was born, though.

It doesn’t say Jesus was born on the 25th of December. Winter seems like an unlikely time for a Roman census. Or for shepherds to be out in the fields at night. Based on what the Bible actually says, it’s arguably more likely Jesus was conceived around that date, and born in September.4

The Bible doesn’t say three wise men visited baby Jesus, much less say what their names were. It just says the wise men (however many there might have been) brought him three gifts. It doesn’t say the wise men were kings. They were Magi, which might mean they were mathematicians, astronomers, priests, astrologers, alchemists, or magicians, but not kings. And it doesn’t say the wise men came on the night Jesus was born. It was more like two years later.

The Bible doesn’t say Mary was a virgin all her life. It says Joseph married her, and abstained from sex until Jesus was born. (The author wouldn’t have included that qualifier if he hadn’t mean that they did have sex after Jesus was born.) And later, it says Jesus had brothers and sisters.5

It doesn’t say Christ was Jesus’s last name. His followers called him by the title Christ, because they believed he was the Messiah, which is what Christ means. But other people wouldn’t have called him that. To everyone else, he was Jesus of Nazareth, or Jesus son of Joseph.

It doesn’t say Jesus had long hair.6 According to the Bible, long hair on a man is disgraceful. It doesn’t say Jesus dressed in white, either. The Bible doesn’t say anything about what he looked like. Unless you count the alleged Old Testament prophecies about him, which call him horrifyingly ugly.

It doesn’t say Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. Just about all it says about her is that she saw Jesus die and she saw him after he rose and she used to be possessed by seven demons. So where did people get the idea that she was a prostitute? Well, Luke and John both have stories where a woman pours perfume on Jesus’s feet. Luke’s story describes the woman as sinful, and in John’s story the woman is Lazarus’s sister Mary.

But to conclude that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute based on that, you would have to make three questionable assumptions: that both of these stories are supposed to refer to the same event even though they take place in different locations, that Mary Magdalene was Lazarus’s sister (note that there are several different people named Mary in the gospels), and that the “sinful” woman was specifically a prostitute.

The Bible doesn’t say the Jews killed Jesus. At least not directly. It says they wanted to,7 but under Roman rule they weren’t allowed to execute anyone themselves. So they had to convince the Romans to do it. Pilate tried to put all the blame on the Jews, even though he could have easily overruled their wishes if he really didn’t want Jesus to die. But anyway, the Bible says it was really God’s idea. Blame him.

It doesn’t say Saul of Tarsus changed his name and became Paul when he converted to Christianity. He just always had two names, a Hebrew name and a Latin name, because he was born both a Jew and a Roman citizen. He may have used the name Paul more often when he was traveling outside Judea to preach to the Gentiles, because he wanted to be relatable, but he never stopped being Saul.

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The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.8 After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms
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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 9: Answers to questions in Psalms

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the Psalms.

A king asks: Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? Answer: It probably has something to do with how tyrannical you and your God are being.

Someone asks God: Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Answer: Because he doesn’t exist.

He asks: Why does the wicked man revile God? Answer: Because God’s even more wicked?

And he asks: Why does he say to himself, “He won’t call me to account”? Answer: Experience?

Ethan the Ezrahite asks: Who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? Answer: Does Satan count? He and God have a lot in common.

Ethan asks: How long, Lord? Will you hide yourself forever? Answer: Yes, God never listens to humans. Other than that one time.

He asks: Who can live and not see death, or who can escape the power of the grave? Answer: Enoch and Melchizadek and Elijah.

He asks God: Where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David? Answer: He broke his promise to David, but what’s it to you, Ethan?

Moses asks: How long will it be? Answer: How long will what be? How long will our lives be limited to around 70 or 80 years? It’s still about like that over 3000 years later. Maybe we’ll be able to do something about that eventually, but not by waiting around for God to do something.

Someone asks some fools: When will you become wise? Answer: The Bible claims it’s impossible, but the Bible’s wrong, as usual.

He asks: Does he who fashioned the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see? Answer: The blind watchmaker does not hear or see.

Then he asks: Does he who disciplines nations not punish? Answer: Judging by what the Bible says about God, it seems like he mainly just punishes people who don’t deserve to be punished.

And he asks: Does he who teaches mankind lack knowledge? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Can a corrupt throne be allied with you—a throne that brings on misery by its decrees? Answer: You mean evil kings like David? Apparently yes.

Someone asks: Had the Egyptians not rebelled against God’s words in Moses’s time? Answer: No, the Egyptians had done exactly what God made them do.

Someone asks: Why was it, sea, that you fled? Why, Jordan, did you turn back? Why, mountains, did you leap like rams, you hills, like lambs? Answer: Because your author is insane?

Someone asks: Why do the nations say, “Where is their God?” Answer: Because you don’t use idols to represent your god, like they’re used to.

Someone asks: How long must your servant wait? When will you punish my persecutors? Answer: Never.

Someone asks: What will he do to you, and what more besides, you deceitful tongue? Answer: He won’t do any more to you than what he does to you, you deceitful tongue.

Someone asks: Where does my help come from? Answer: Helpful people.

Someone asks God: If you kept a record of sins, who could stand? Answer: Poor people who hate their unpleasant lives, but still dress right and get places on time. And rich people with lots of friends. And people who live with Christians, but don’t care about evil, and then get destroyed by Satan. And whoever else God randomly decided he wanted to save.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 8: Answers to questions for Job

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job was asked.

Eliphaz’s questions

Eliphaz asks Job: If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? Answer: Yes. I don’t know why people think of Job as patient.

Eliphaz asks: But who can keep from speaking? Answer: Elihu can, for a while anyway.

Eliphaz asks Job: Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope? Answer: Apparently not. They clearly didn’t do him any good.

Eliphaz asks: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Answer: Who hasn’t?

And he asks: Where were the upright ever destroyed? Answer: On Earth.

He asks: Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can even a strong man be more pure than his Maker? Answer: lol that doesn’t sound hard

Eliphaz asks Job: Call if you will, but who will answer you? Answer: God will. Sort of. Eventually.

Eliphaz asks Job: Are you the first man ever born? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Were you brought forth before the hills? Answer: No.

He asks Job: Do you listen in on God’s council? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Do you have a monopoly on wisdom? Answer: No.

He asks him: What do you know that we do not know? What insights do you have that we do not have? Answer: He knows his own past better than you do.

Then he asks him: Are God’s consolations spoken gently to you not enough for you? Answer: Maybe they would be if God had actually said anything to him…

And he asks him: Why has your heart carried you away so that you vent your rage against God? Answer: Because God is torturing him and ruining his life.

He asks: What are mortals, that they could be righteous? Answer: If a perfect God made them, they must be perfect.

Eliphaz asks: Can a man be of benefit to God? Can even a wise person benefit him? Answer: No, that’s why he… didn’t create us?

Eliphaz asks Job: What pleasure would it give God if you were righteous? What would he gain if your ways were blameless? Answer: He wouldn’t be affected at all.

He asks Job: Is it for your piety that he rebukes you and brings charges against you? Answer: It’s not really a reaction to Job’s behavior at all. It’s just a test, that God failed.

He asks him: Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless? Answer: Yes, they are not.

Eliphaz asks: Is not God in the heights of heaven? Answer: Apparently not. Why would God say he was lifting his hand “to heaven” if he was already in heaven? Why would the Bible say his judgment “rises as high as the heavens” if that was where it was coming from? How could Jesus go to heaven when he died and then come back without having returned to God, if that was where God was? It’s not even possible for God to be in heaven. The heavens can’t contain him.

Eliphaz imagines Job asking: What does God know? Answer: Little enough that he feels the need to perform unethical experiments on people in order to learn more about them.

He imagines Job asking: Does he judge through such darkness? Answer: The Father judges no one.

Eliphaz asks Job: Will you keep to the old path that the wicked have trod? Answer: No, you can’t stay where you’ve never been.

Eliphaz imagines the wicked asking: What can God do to us? Answer: See preceding verse.

Bildad’s questions

Bildad asks Job: How long will you say such things? Answer: 20 chapters.

Bildad asks: Does God pervert justice? Does the Almighty pervert what is right? Answer: All the time.

Bildad asks Job: Will former generations not instruct you and tell you? Answer: No, no one from an older generation participates in this conversation. (Unless you count God.)

Bildad asks Job: When will you end these speeches? Answer: Chapter 31.

He asks Job: Why are we considered stupid in your sight? Answer: Because you have faith in the goodness of God, and that’s stupid.

And he asks him: Is the earth to be abandoned for your sake? Or must the rocks be moved from their place? Answer: No, God mainly just needs to stop actively tormenting innocent people.

Bildad asks: Can God’s forces be numbered? Answer: Let me see… Zero. Yeah, that wasn’t so hard.

He asks: On whom does his light not rise? Answer: “Rise”? Are you talking about the sun? Then some possible biblical answers are: Pharaoh, the wicked, Israel, prophets, and Paul.

Bildad asks: How can a mortal be righteous before God? Answer: I already answered that when Eliphaz asked it.

Zophar’s questions

Zophar asks: Are all these words to go unanswered? Answer: No.

He asks: Is this talker to be vindicated? Answer: Yes.

Zophar asks Job: Will your idle talk reduce others to silence? Answer: No.

He asks him: Will no one rebuke you when you mock? Answer: No, no one will not rebuke him.

And he asks: When God sees evil, does he not take note? Answer: If he does, he must not care much. Most of the time he does nothing about it.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 7: Answers to questions from Job

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job asked. But first, a couple of questions from God to Satan.

God asks Satan: Where have you come from? Answer: I suppose God must have created him. What did you do that for, God?

On another day, God asks Satan: Have you considered my servant Job? Answer: Yes, he already told you in the previous chapter what he thought about Job. Have you forgotten already?

Job asks: Why did I not die at birth? Answer: Because then God wouldn’t get to torture you, I guess.

Job asks: Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass? Answer: Yes, donkeys bray for lots of different reasons.

He asks: Is tasteless food eaten without salt? Answer: I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the case somewhere in the world.

And he asks: Is there flavor in the sap of the mallow? Answer: Not much.

He asks: Is there any wickedness on my lips? Answer: No, there’s nothing wrong with saying God is unjust. God doesn’t seem to think there is, anyway. After Job spends the whole book insisting that God has treated him unjustly, God says Job has spoken the truth about him.

Job asks: Do not mortals have hard service on earth? Are not their days like those of hired laborers? Answer: I guess so… for the ones that are hired laborers, at least.

He asks: Are not my few days almost over? Answer: No.

He asks: Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food? Answer: Depends on what you mean by “test”. That sounds more like the brain’s department to me.

And he asks: Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding? Answer: Not significantly.

Then he asks: Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Answer: You want to challenge God’s apparent assessment of your morality because you aren’t fully aware of just how little God cares about that.

He asks: Can anyone bring charges against me? Answer: Yes, but they’re false ones.

He asks: How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Answer: None that I know of.

Job asks: Who can bring what is pure from the impure? His self-answer: No one. Alternative biblical answer: Elisha can. So can silversmiths. And harvesters. And fathers. God does it all the time, too. Your tongue is a world of evil, full of deadly poison, but that doesn’t stop it from praising God. And evildoers who don’t do God’s will can drive out demons and stuff just as well as anyone.

He asks: If someone dies, will they live again? His implied answer: No. Alternative biblical answer: Yes. Real answer: Not likely, but it depends on how you define death.

He asks: Where is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? Answer: You did just a few verses ago.

And he asks: Will it go down to the gates of death? Will we descend together into the dust? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power? Answer: Because there’s no just God running the world.

Job asks: How often is the lamp of the wicked snuffed out? Implied answer: Not often enough. Real answer: Always. All wicked people die, just like all good people.

He asks: Who denounces the conduct of the wicked to their face? Answer: The people who disapprove of them?

And he asks: Who repays them for what they have done? Answer: The legal system?

Job asks: Who can understand “the thunder of his power”? Answer: Anyone who cares to learn about it.

Job asks: Where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? Answer: In wise people.

Questions about God

Job asks his wife: Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? Answer: Yes, of course. Unless we reject the idea that God is completely good, it would make no sense to accept that God did something bad.

Job changes his tune, and asks: Why is life and light given to those in bitter misery, who God has hedged in, who seek and long for death that does not come, who will rejoice when they reach the grave? Answer: You can’t improve things if you’re dead.

Job asks: How can mere mortals prove their innocence before God? Answer: Just be innocent, and he’ll know. He may not care, though.

He asks: Who has resisted God and come out unscathed? Answer: Satan seems to be doing fine so far. Or how about George Carlin? Or Charles Bradlaugh…

Then he asks: Who can say to him, “What are you doing?” Answer: Anyone.

He asks: How can I dispute with him? How can I find words to argue with him? Answer: No problem, he doesn’t even disagree with you. Just keep going.

And he asks: If it is a matter of justice, who can challenge him? Answer: Come on, look at what you just said about him a few verses ago. And a few verses after. It’s not at all hard to beat that. Unless by “who can challenge him”, you mean “Who could be less just?”, or “Who can convince him to stop being so unjust”…

Job asks: If you ask the animals, which of them does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? Answer: I couldn’t get any animals to talk to me about God, so I can only assume that none of them know.

He asks: Could you deceive him as you might deceive a mortal? Answer: Well, the book of Hebrews claims that Abraham knew all along that he wasn’t actually going to lose the son God told him to sacrifice. If that was true, that would mean Abraham tricked God into thinking he had proven that Abraham was willing give up his son for him, when Abraham didn’t actually expect to lose his son at all. So if Hebrews is right, I guess it is possible to deceive God.

Job asks: Is my complaint directed to a human being? Why should I not be impatient? Answer: You might think it would be because God doesn’t like that, but in this case it doesn’t really matter if Job does things God doesn’t like, since this story is about God punishing him even when he’s done nothing wrong.

Job imagines people asking: What would we gain by praying to God? Answer: The same results you would get if you prayed to a jug of milk.

Job asks: Can anyone teach knowledge to God, since he judges even the highest? Answer: Sure, might doesn’t make him right.

Job asks: If I could state my case before God, would he vigorously oppose me? Job’s self-answer: No, he would not press charges against me. Real answer: Yes, he already knows you’re innocent, so telling him so wouldn’t make any difference.

He asks: Who can oppose God? Answer: Jacob can physically overpower him!

Job asks: Why does the Almighty not set times for judgment? Why must those who know him look in vain for such days? Answer: Many answers have been proposed for questions like that. None of them make much sense except that God doesn’t exist.

Then he asks: If it’s not true that God makes sure wicked people quickly die, who can prove me false and reduce my words to nothing? Answer: Uh… you? You’re the one who’s been arguing against that.

He asks: What hope do the godless have when God takes away their life? Biblical answer: Same as anyone else who dies. None. The dead are all cut off from God and he never remembers them again. But don’t worry, that’s no worse than being alive, since there’s no hope for the living either!

Then he asks: Does God listen to their cry when distress comes upon them? Answer: No, God doesn’t listen to anyone.

He asks: Will they find delight in the Almighty? Will they call on God at all times? Answer: Will “the godless” do that? Uh, no.

Job asks: What is our lot from God? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Answer: Yes, it is not.

And he asks: What will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account? Answer: You should tell him he shouldn’t have punished you for nothing, since doing that could easily make you give up on trying to please him. But all you’ll actually do is act like God has given you some reason to think you were wrong, when he hasn’t, and when he doesn’t even think you’ve said anything wrong.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 6: Answers to questions after the split

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from Old Testament stories after the kingdom split in two.

The people of Israel ask: What share do we have in David? Answer: Ten shares.

A widow asks Elijah: Did you come to remind me of my sin and kill my son? Answer: No.

Ahab’s palace administrator asks Elijah: Haven’t you heard that while Jezebel was killing God’s prophets, I hid a hundred of them in two caves and supplied them with food and water? Answer: Apparently he didn’t even hear you just now. He still thinks he’s the only prophet of God left.

God asks Elijah, twice: What are you doing here? Answer: Going on the journey your angel sent him on.

God asks: Who will entice Ahab into attacking Ramoth Gilead and going to his death there? Answer: Nobody has to. It was his idea in the first place.

When a Shunammite woman says she’s going to see Elisha, who has performed miracles to help her in the past, her husband asks: Why go to him today? Answer: Your son just died, in case you didn’t notice.

Elisha’s servant asks the Shunammite woman: Are you all right? Is your husband all right? Is your child all right? Her answer: Everything is all right. Real answer: No.

When Elisha predicts that grain will sell for normal prices tomorrow, an officer asks: Even if the Lord opened the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen? Answer: It’s not magic.

An officer asks the commander that God has chosen as the next king of Israel: Why did this maniac (prophet) come to you? Answer: To tell him to murder a bunch of slaves.

A priest’s son asks the people of Judah: Why do you disobey the Lord’s commands? Answer: Because it’s impossible not to?

Mordecai asks Esther: Who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this? Answer: I would think it would have been pretty well known that she was put in that position to replace Vashti.

Haman asks himself: Who is there that the king would rather honor than me? Answer: Esther? Oh, and that guy that saved his life. Him too.

Nehemiah’s enemies ask him: What is this you are doing? Answer: Planning.

They ask them: Are you rebelling against the king? Answer: No.

Later, one of those enemies asks: What are those feeble Jews doing? Answer: Restoring their wall.

He asks: Will they restore their wall? Answer: Yes.

He also asks: Will they offer sacrifices? Answer: Yes.

Then he asks: Will they finish in a day? Answer: No.

And he asks: Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble? Answer: You can’t bring something back to life if it was never alive.

Nehemiah asks the nobles and officials among his people: Shouldn’t you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? Answer: Doesn’t sound like the best plan to me. Why would your Gentile enemies care about that?

Nehemiah asks his enemies: Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you? Answer: They think you should stop because they think the Jews are plotting a rebellion.

Nehemiah asks: Should a man like me run away? Or should someone like me go into the temple to save his life? Answer: I don’t see why not. There’s not a law against that, is there?

Nehemiah asks: Why is the house of God neglected? Answer: Because there’s no God living in it.

Nehemiah asks the nobles of Judah: What is this wicked thing you are doing—desecrating the Sabbath day? Answer: Providing people with food.

He asks them: Didn’t your ancestors do the same things, so that our God brought all this calamity on us and on this city? Answer: No, I don’t remember Sabbath violations being one of the reasons given for the fall of Jerusalem.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 5: Answers to questions in the reigns of David and Solomon

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions in the stories from when David, and then his son Solomon, ruled over all Israel.

Saul’s cousin asks David’s nephew: Why should I strike you down? Answer: You shouldn’t.

Saul’s son asks Saul’s cousin: Why did you sleep with my father’s girlfriend? Answer: Why not? Your father is dead.

David’s other nephew, Joab, asks him: What have you done? Answer: Things David had done in that chapter include waging war against the people he promised not to kill, having children with a bunch of women we’ve never heard of before, and demanding that Abner do him a favor before he’ll allow Abner to do him another favor.

Joab asks him: Why did you let Abner go? Answer: So Abner could continue to help him become king of Israel.

Mephibosheth asks David: What am I, that you should notice a dead dog like me? Answer: A dead dog, apparently. And David is a worm, so maybe he intends to eat the dead dog?

The Ammonite commanders ask their new king: Do you think David is honoring your father by sending envoys to you to express sympathy? Answer: Yes, he thinks that. Also, it’s true.

They ask: Hasn’t David sent them to you only to explore the city and spy it out and overthrow it? Answer: No.

Uriah asks: With the ark of the covenant and the men of Israel currently in tents, how could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? Answer: Well, you’re already eating and drinking at the palace, so that part clearly isn’t a problem for you…

David’s attendants ask: How can we now tell him his child is dead? Answer: By answering his question when he asks if his child is dead.

When David abruptly stops mourning as soon as he finds out his child is dead, they ask him: Why are you acting this way? Answer: Because he thinks he can manipulate God.

A woman asks David: Why then have you done this? When you side against people trying to kill my son, do you not convict yourself, since you have not brought back your own banished son? Answer: No, David never tried to kill his son like the people he condemned in the woman’s story, so no hypocrisy here.

Absalom tells Joab that he had told Joab to ask David: Why have I come from Geshur? Answer: Because Joab wanted you to. Ask him, not David.

Abishai asks: Shouldn’t Shimei be put to death for cursing David? Answer: For speaking? Of course not.

Barzillai asks David: Why should I be an added burden to you? Answer: Because David was a burden to you?

He asks: Why should the king reward me in this way? Answer: Because you provided for him.

The men of Israel ask: Why did the men of Judah steal the king away? Answer: Nobody’s taking your king away. David is still king of Israel. Which isn’t even separate from Judah at this time anyway.

When David tells Joab to count the men of Israel, Joab asks: Why do you want to do such a thing? Answer: So he’ll know how many there are. Also because God told him to.

The prophet Nathan says God asks: Did I ever say to any leader of my people, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?” Answer: Well, Nathan had just told David that God wanted him to do that. So either the answer is yes, or Nathan is a false prophet and should be killed.

God imagines future people asking: Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple? Answer: Because he was so bad at demonstrating his existence and superiority that the people decided they might as well be worshiping worthless idols.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 4: Answers to questions in the reign of Saul

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from when Saul was king of Israel.

Some Israelites ask: How can Saul save us? Answer: By threatening to destroy the property of any Israelites who don’t help him fight their enemies.

Samuel asks Saul: Why did you not obey the Lord? Why did you pounce on the plunder? Answer: He did obey the Lord, and he did not pounce on the plunder. He was still going to destroy all those animals, just like God told him to. He just hadn’t done it yet.

Samuel asks: Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? Answer: Who knows? The Bible has some seriously mixed messages on those issues.

After Jesse presents seven of his sons to Samuel, Samuel asks him: Are these all the sons you have? Jesse’s answer: No, there’s an eighth son. Alternative biblical answer: Yes, Jesse had seven sons.

Goliath asks the Israelites: Why do you come out and line up for battle? Answer: Because the Philistines did.

The Israelites ask each other: Do you see how this man Goliath keeps coming out? Answer: Probably. He seems kind of hard to ignore.

David’s brother angrily asks him: Why have you come down here? Answer: To see how you’re doing and to bring you food.

He also asks David: With whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? Answer: Another shepherd.

Goliath asks David: Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks? Answer: He’s coming at you with stones, not sticks.

Saul asks: What more can David get but the kingdom? Answer: Your daughter.

Saul asks his daughter: Why did you deceive me and let my enemy escape? Answer: Because your enemy is her husband.

Jonathan, skeptical of the idea that Saul is trying to kill David, asks: Why would he hide this from me? Answer: Telling you to kill David for him is not hiding it from you.

Jonathan asks David: If I knew my father wanted to harm you, wouldn’t I tell you? Answer: That seems pretty unnecessary when your father has already blatantly tried to murder David several times. Plus, you already did tell him.

Saul asks: Why hasn’t David come to the meal yesterday or today? Answer: Could it have something to do with the fact that you’ve tried to kill him repeatedly?

Jonathan asks a confused boy: Isn’t the arrow beyond you? Answer: No.

The Philistines ask: Isn’t this David, the king of the land? Answer: No, Saul is the king.

Achish king of the Philistines asks: Why must this madman come into my house? Answer: It was the madman’s idea to go to you. Ask him.

Saul asks: Is that your voice, David my son? Answer: No, it’s the voice of David Jesse’s son.

Saul asks: When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? Answer: Depends on how serious their enemyship is, the man’s moral beliefs, his self-control, etc.

Nabal asks: Who is this David? Answer: The son of Jesse.

He also asks: Who is this son of Jesse? Answer: David.

Then he asks: Why should I take my bread and water and the meat meant for my shearers, and give it to this David guy? Answer: Because he deserves a reward for not harming you. /s

Abner asks: Who are you who calls to the king? Answer: Nobody’s calling to the king. He’s calling to the commander.

Ghost-Samuel asks Saul: Why do you consult me, now that the Lord has departed from you and become your enemy? Answer: Because he can’t consult the Lord, because the Lord has departed from him and become his enemy.

The Philistines ask: How better could David regain Saul’s favor than by taking the heads of our own men? Answer: He doesn’t need to. He already did that a few chapters ago.

The Philistines ask: Isn’t this the David who the women of Israel sang about, saying he had slain tens of thousands? Answer: Yes, but they were wrong. He hadn’t done that yet.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 3: Answers to questions from pre-monarchy Israel

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from around the time the Israelites first settled in the promised land.

The son of a priest asks the tribes that chose to stay on the other side of the Jordan: Are you now turning away from the Lord? Answer: No.

Deborah and Barak ask: Why did the tribe of Reuben stay among the sheep pens, and why did Dan linger by the ships, etc.? Answer: Because God only told Barak to take Naphtali and Zebulun with him.

Gideon asks: If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Answer: Because he hates you.

Gideon asks the Ephraimites: What have I accomplished compared to you? Answer: Much with little, compared to much with much.

Abimelek asks the people of Shechem: Which is better for you, to have all 70 of Gideon’s sons rule over you, or just one? Answer: Distributing the power among many people sounds good to me.

Jotham asks: Have you acted honorably and in good faith by making Abimelek king? Have you been fair to Gideon and his family? Have you treated Gideon as he deserves? Answer: Abimelek is Gideon’s son, so what’s the problem? (Unless it’s the murder thing, in which case, why didn’t you mention that?)

An angel asks Samson’s father: Why do you ask my name? Answer: He just told you. So they can honor you when your word comes true.

Naomi asks: Why call me Naomi? Answer: Because your name’s Naomi.

Boaz asks: Who does that young woman belong to? Answer: Her husband is dead, so I guess that makes her free and owned by no one.

Samuel’s father asks his wife Hannah: Why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Answer: You know why. Because she has no children. Also because your other wife is tormenting her.

He also asks her: Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons? Answer: Apparently not. What kind of question is that, anyway?

Eli asks Hannah: How long are you going to stay drunk? Answer: Zero minutes.

Eli asks: If one person sins against another, God may mediate for the offender; but if anyone sins against the Lord, who will intercede for them? Answer: Well, according to the Bible, Moses can intercede between God and humans. But there is no one who can intercede between God and humans. But prophets can do it. Like Samuel. And so can Job’s friend, whoever that is. But only Jesus can intercede between God and humans. And so can the Spirit. But only people who aren’t God can intercede between God and humans. Paul and Timothy can do it. And so can men everywhere, apparently.

Joshua’s questions

Joshua asks: Alas, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us? Answer: Uh… because that’s where the Amorites were! Where else would he bring you to deliver you into the hands of the Amorites to destroy you?

Joshua asks: What can I say, now that Israel has been routed by its enemies? Answer: You can say “Alas, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us?”

Joshua asks God: After the Canaanites have wiped us out, then what will you do to maintain your good name? Answer: Judging by the kind of thing God tends to say about Israel, I expect he would claim that Israel was evil and that he was a hero for getting rid of them.

Joshua asks Achan: Why have you brought this trouble on us? Answer: Because he wanted the plunder. But a better question is: Why did GOD bring this trouble on them by giving them that pointless rule in the first place, and then only revoking it after it was too late?

Joshua asks the Gibeonites who he would have killed if they hadn’t tricked him into promising not to: Why did you deceive us? Answer: Duh.

Joshua, the leader of Israel, asks the Israelites: How long will you wait before you take possession of the land God has given you? Answer: As long as you wait to tell them to.

God’s questions

God asks Joshua: What are you doing down on your face? Answer: Idolatry. He’s doing idolatry.

God asks his people: I said you should not make a covenant with the people of this land, yet you have disobeyed me. Why have you done this? Answer: By accident.

God asks Gideon: Am I not sending you? Answer: …Are you? I thought an angel was.

God asks Eli: Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Answer: He doesn’t, his sons do.

He asks Eli: Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel? Answer: Because God said the priests were to live on the parts of the offerings that weren’t burned up.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 2: Answers to questions in “the law”

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So now I’m answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. I’ve already answered the ones in Genesis. Now for the rest of the Pentateuch…

Pharaoh asks the Hebrew midwives, who he had told to kill all the new baby Hebrew boys: Why have you let the boys live? Answer: They were just scared of what their God would think. Otherwise they would have been happy to murder all their relatives’ baby boys, apparently.

Moses’s sister asks Pharaoh’s daughter: Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you? Answer: I wouldn’t call it “for her”, no. Since it’s going to be the baby’s own mother doing it.

Pharaoh asks: Who is the Lord, that I should obey him and let Israel go? Answer: He’s a lunatic who isn’t going to let you obey him even if you want to.

Pharaoh asks Moses: Why are you taking the people away from their labor? Answer: Because they never agreed to do that labor?

Pharaoh’s officials ask: How long will this man be a snare to us? Answer: Until God gets tired of fighting against himself.

Pharaoh’s officials ask him: Do you not yet realize that Egypt is ruined? Answer: Yes, he already tried to surrender, but God wouldn’t let him.

Pharaoh asks: What have we done? Answer: You’ve obeyed God and freed his people from slavery… And God is not going to let you get away with obeying him and freeing his people from slavery.

Jethro asks Moses: What’s this you are doing for the people? Answer: Serving as their judge.

Aaron asks: Would the Lord have been pleased if I had eaten the sin offering today? Answer: Not likely. He’s always punishing people for obeying him.

Aaron and Miriam ask: Has the Lord spoken only through Moses? Answer: No.

Then they ask: Hasn’t he also spoken through us? Answer: I don’t think the Bible mentions any specific cases of God speaking through Miriam. But it does say she was a prophet.

Balaam’s donkey asks him: What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times? And an angel also asks Balaam: Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? Answer: The donkey tried to prevent him from doing what God told him to do.

Balak asks Balaam: Did I not send you an urgent summons? Answer: Not as far as I know.

Balak asks him: Why didn’t you come to me? Answer: Because God forgot he wanted him to.

Then Balak asks him: Am I really not able to reward you? Answer: No, you are not really not able to reward him.

Balaam asks: How can I curse those whom God has not cursed? How can I denounce those whom the Lord has not denounced? Answer: Same way you can teach them to sin and turn God away from them?

Balaam asks: Who can count even a fourth of Israel? Answer: Moses and Aaron and the leaders of the tribes can count (almost) all of them.

Balaam asks: Must I not speak what the Lord puts in my mouth? Answer: That and a lot of other things, apparently.

After Balaam goes to find out what God wants him to say, Balak asks him: What did the Lord say? Answer: He said “Go back to Balak and give him this word.”

Balaam asks: Does God speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Answer: Yes.

Balaam asks Balak: Did I not tell you I must do whatever the Lord says? Answer: No, you told him you had to say whatever the Lord said.

Balaam asks Balak: Did I not tell the messengers you sent me that I can’t do anything of my own accord to go beyond the command of the Lord, and I must say only what the Lord says? Answer: No, you told Balak, but I don’t think you told his messengers that.

Balaam asks: Who can live when God does this? Answer: People who aren’t from Cyprus or Ashur or Eber?

Some unspecified people ask: Who can stand up against the Anakites? Answer: Joshua and Caleb.

The Israelites’ questions

A Hebrew man asks Moses: Who made you ruler and judge over us? Answer: Well, the princess did adopt him, so I guess that makes him your prince…

He also asks: Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian? Answer: It’s possible. Moses doesn’t mind killing Israelites.

The Israelite overseers ask Pharaoh: Why have you given us such unreasonable work requirements? Answer: So you’ll be too busy to listen to Moses.

The Israelites ask Moses: Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? Answer: Letting them die in the desert wasn’t Moses’s intention… But, incidentally, God is going to let them die in the desert. (Because they like the land flowing with milk and honey that they came from better than the one he chose for them.)

The Israelites ask Moses: What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Answer: Tried to rescue you from your hardship. Not that that will do much good, since the real cause of your trouble is still with you

The Israelites ask Moses: Didn’t we tell you to leave us alone and let us serve the Egyptians? Answer: Not exactly.

The Israelites ask Moses: Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst? Answer: Because God told him to, because God wants you to die in the desert.

The Israelites ask: Is the Lord among us or not? Answer: No, God won’t dwell among the people until after the world ends.

Some Israelites ask: We have become unclean because of a dead body, but why should we be kept from presenting the Lord’s offering with the other Israelites at the appointed time? Answer: Because you have become unclean because of a dead body.

The Israelites ask: Why did we ever leave Egypt? Answer: Because the Egyptians didn’t want you there anymore.

They ask: Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Answer: Could it have something to do with the fact that Moses insisted on God going with them after God made it clear that he couldn’t do that without killing them all?

Then they ask: Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt? Answer: I doubt you’d be welcome there either.

Some Israelites ask Moses: Why do you set yourself above the Lord’s assembly? Answer: Because God refused to admit that such an ineloquent man wasn’t a good choice.

Those Israelites ask Moses: Isn’t it enough that you have brought us out of Egypt to kill us in the wilderness? Do you want to treat these men like slaves? Answer: Do you want to be slaves or not? Make up your minds.

The Israelites ask: Are we all going to die? Answer: Of course. Who isn’t?

The Israelites ask Moses: Why did you bring us into this wilderness, that we and our livestock should die here? Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? Answer: Because God chose not to teleport them straight into the promised land, because he thought that wouldn’t be as impressive.

The Israelites ask him again: Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? Answer: Because God’s plan is flawed.

The daughters of Zelophehad ask: Why should our father’s name disappear from his clan because he had no son? Answer: Because he had no son.

The Israelites ask: Why should we die now? Answer: Because no one can see God’s face and live.

They ask: What mortal has ever heard the voice of the living God speaking out of fire and survived? Answer: Moses.

Moses imagines the Israelites asking: How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the Lord? Moses’s answer: Wait and see if the prediction comes true. If it doesn’t, then you know it wasn’t from God. Real answer: You can’t, generally, because Moses’s false prophecy test ignores the fact that most prophecies have no deadline, and are therefore unfalsifiable.

God imagines future Israelites asking: Have not these disasters come on us because our God is not with us? Answer: That doesn’t seem like a very good way to describe disasters that were caused by your God, no.

Continue reading The Bible’s questions, answered—part 2: Answers to questions in “the law”
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