King David heard that Nahash, the Ammonite king who had wanted to gouge out the eyes of all the Israelites, had died. So David sent diplomats to tell Nahash’s successor how sorry David was that such a kind man had died. But the Ammonites assumed that David’s men must be spies plotting to overthrow them. So they sent the diplomats away half naked, and started a war with Israel. David stayed home while he had his commander Joab go out and lead Israel in fighting the Ammonites (which God had commanded them not to do).

David was walking around on the roof of his palace one night, when he saw a beautiful woman taking a bath. He learned that her name was Bathsheba, and that she was the wife of Uriah, one of David’s chief warriors, who was away fighting in the war. David had Bathsheba brought to the palace, had sex with her, and sent her back home.

When he found out that she was now pregnant, David had her husband Uriah brought back from the war and told him to go home to his wife, so no one would know her baby wasn’t Uriah’s. But Uriah said he refused to go home and have sex with his wife until the war was over. So David sent Uriah back to war, and told his commander Joab to make sure Uriah got killed.

Joab had Uriah go too close to the wall of the city they were besieging, and the Ammonites shot arrows from the wall and killed Uriah. When Bathsheba heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. Then she married David, the guy that got her husband killed. And she gave birth to David’s son.

But God sent a prophet to tell David that God was not pleased with David’s adultery and murder… so he was going to punish David by causing more adultery and murder. Then God made Bathsheba’s baby sick. As long as the baby lived, David acted like he was miserable, just to try to get God to change his mind. But when the baby died a week later, David immediately stopped acting miserable, and worshiped the baby’s murderer. He never acknowledged that he had done anything wrong to Uriah.

Then David and Bathsheba had another son, and God sent a prophet to tell them to name the baby Jedidiah. But God was bad at picking names for babies, so they ignored him and went with the name they had already chosen: Solomon. David promised Bathsheba that Solomon would succeed him as king.

The end.

The moral of the story

Don’t let your parents conceive you in a sinful way, or God will kill you.