The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the gospels of Matthew and Mark.

The Magi ask: Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? Answer: The Jews had some kings who started reigning pretty young, but I don’t think they ever had one who was king from birth.

John the Baptist asks Jesus: I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me? Answer: Yes, he comes to you. I don’t know why, but he does.

The legion of demons ask Jesus: What do you want with us, Son of God? Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time? Answer: No, he’s just going to let you do whatever you want.

John the Baptist’s disciples ask Jesus: Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else? Answer: Neither.

People who see Jesus performing miracles ask: Could this be the Son of David? Answer: Nah, he’d be much older if he was.

Some people from Jairus’s house ask him: Your daughter is dead. Why bother the teacher anymore? Answer: Because she’s not dead.

In one of Jesus’s parables, a king (representing God) asks one of his servants: Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? Answer: Well, his fellow servant owed him a lot less than the hopelessly enormous debt that he had owed you. I would think that makes a difference. Plus, you’re a king, so you presumably didn’t really need the money all that badly. I would think that makes a difference, too. You don’t think everybody should always be required to forgive every debt they’re owed, do you? Because if you did, that would be the same as condoning theft.

In another parable, an employer (representing God) asks: Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Answer: Yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that whatever you do with your money is right.

The employer asks his workers: Or are you envious because I am generous? Answer: No, I’m pretty sure the problem they have with you has more to do with how selective your “generosity” is.

In another parable, a king (representing God) asks a guest at his son’s wedding: How did you get in here without wedding clothes? Answer: It probably has something to do with the fact that all your guests are random people that you had indiscriminately dragged in off the streets at the last minute.

A man asks Jesus: What good thing must I do to get eternal life? Answer: Who said the requirements had to do with doing good things? To get eternal life, you have to have a life full of hardships and suffering and bad things that you hate. (While also having lots of friends who like you because you’re so wealthy.) And you have to avoid doing and saying things God doesn’t like.

You can also get eternal life for arbitrary things like being part of the same household as a Christian, or being from Israel. Except you also have to believe in Jesus to be saved, and there’s probably not a lot of overlap between that and being from Israel. Really, whether you get eternal life is up to God’s arbitrary choice, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Or maybe you could try letting Satan destroy your flesh. That might help.

Some bystanders ask some of Jesus’s disciples: What are you doing, untying that colt? Answer: Yes.

Pilate asks Jesus: Are you the king of the Jews? Answer: No, Jesus refused to be the king of the Jews.

When the Jews demand that Jesus be crucified, Pilate asks: Why? What crime has he committed? Answer: Jesus’s crimes include…

• Obstruction of justice
• Counterfeiting
• Vandalism, theft, and destruction of others’ property
• Assault with a weapon
• Inciting violence
• False prophecy (a capital offense under God’s law)
• Blasphemy
• Working on the Sabbath (a capital offense under God’s law)
• Trying to change God’s laws
• Treason (supposing it was true that he was trying to become king of the Jews)

The disciples’ questions

After Jesus tells the storm to stop, his disciples ask: What kind of man is this? Answer: An ugly, bad-breathed, ignorant, rude, heretical, blaspheming, deliberately divisive, lying, xenophobic, hatemongering, violent, lawbreaking, motherfucking bastard.

After Jesus drives out a demon that his disciples had failed to drive out, his disciples ask: Why couldn’t we drive it out? Answer: Apparently it works better if you don’t invoke the name of Jesus.

Jesus’s disciples ask him: Why do you speak to the people in parables? Answer: Because he wants to let Satan sabotage his efforts, apparently.

Jesus’s disciples ask: Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? Answer: Whoever’s the best at following the rules.

When Jesus says the temple is going to be destroyed, his disciples ask him: When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age? Answer: 70 AD, and nothing.

The Jewish religious leaders’ questions

The teachers of the law ask: Why does this fellow talk like that? Answer: Because he thinks it will be easier if he uses more words than necessary, and then has to explain himself, and then repeats even longer versions of both the long and the short versions of what he wanted to say.

They ask: Who can forgive sins but God alone? Answer: The disciples can, apparently. I guess they must be God too.

The Pharisees ask Jesus’s disciples: Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners? Answer: Because no one else exists.

Some Pharisees ask: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Answer: It is now.

When Jesus implies that it’s not lawful, they ask: Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Answer: He didn’t.

The chief priests ask: Do you hear what these children are saying? Answer: Yeah, they’re saying a word that they seem to have mistaken for an expression of praise.

The high priest asks Jesus: Are you not going to answer? Answer: No, not really.

He asks Jesus: What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you? Answer: It’s mostly true.

Jesus’s questions

Jesus asks: If the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? Answer: It can’t be made salty again, but it also can’t change its flavor in the first place.¹

Jesus asks: Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Answer: There’s more to life than food, but food is essential to life. And the latter is more relevant to evaluating Jesus’s claim that you don’t need to worry about what you’ll eat.

He asks: Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Answer: Yes, but apparently God doesn’t value us more than Jesus thinks he values birds. If he did, he would always feed us, and then we would never have to worry about feeding ourselves.

He also asks: Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Answer: It depends on what you mean by “worrying”. Feeling worried probably isn’t going to help much, but the kind of “worrying” that involves thinking about how to solve problems certainly can prolong your life.

Then he asks: Why do you worry about clothes? Answer: Because God didn’t bother to give us sufficient natural coverings.

And he asks: See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you? Answer: No.

Jesus asks: Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Answer: I doubt it.

Jesus asks a crowd in Galilee: What did you go out into the wilderness to see? Answer: John the Baptist.

Jesus asks: How can anyone enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Answer: By doing it while the strong man is away. Or by being a stronger man.

He asks: Who is my mother, and who are my brothers? Answer: Mary, James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas.

Jesus asks: Why all this commotion and wailing? Answer: Because they think Jairus’s daughter is dead.

Jesus asks: What can anyone give in exchange for their soul? Answer: Depends on what’s being demanded in exchange for your soul, I suppose.

Jesus asks his generation: How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Answer: Not much longer.

Jesus asks: From whom do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes—from their own children or from others? Answer: Well, some royals choose to pay taxes…

Jesus asks: What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? Answer: How about something that makes sense, and actually makes the point you’re trying to make, and doesn’t rely on false premises, and doesn’t have outrageous moral implications, and doesn’t make God look stupid or evil? Got any of those? No?

He asks: What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? Answer: No, that’s not at all what I would expect him to do. I would hope he would at least make sure the rest of his sheep aren’t going to wander off, before he abandons them. If one of his sheep can get lost, what’s to keep the rest from wandering away? That’s what most urgently needs attention. It’s more important to avoid losing 99 sheep than to avoid losing one sheep.

Jesus’s questions about morality

Jesus asks: If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? (Implied answer: You’ll get nothing, so don’t bother loving those people.) Real answer: You’ll get love. But why would you think you need a reward for loving??

He asks: Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Answer: There’s a plank in my eye? Where? I don’t see anything. There must be something wrong with my eye. Like a plank, maybe.

Regarding one of his parables, Jesus asks: When the owner of the vineyard (representing God) comes, what will he do to those violent tenants? Answer: Have them arrested? That would be the reasonable thing to do in real life, anyway. But since this is a character who represents God, what he’s actually going to do is murder them.

Jesus asks: Why is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? Answer: I’ll assume you’re referring to Isaiah 53, since that’s the closest thing to this that exists in the Old Testament. Isaiah 53 does not say anything “must” happen; it’s in the past tense. It was never interpreted as a Messianic prophecy before Jesus’s time, because it was never meant to be one. And even supposing it was a prophecy, Jesus didn’t fulfill it. That chapter has several details that do not match what the gospels say about Jesus.

Jesus asks the man who asked him what good thing he needed to do: Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only One who is good. Answer: Because you don’t have to be good to know what’s good. And also because you claim to be the One who is good, so what are you objecting to??

In another version of the story, Jesus asks him: Why do you call me good? Answer: Because good does not mean perfect, so no, you don’t have to be God to be good. But again, why would Jesus object if someone called him perfect or God? Isn’t that what he’s claiming to be?

Jesus asks: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Answer: Because he wants to crush you and see you suffer.

Jesus’s questions for his disciples

Jesus asks his disciples: You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Answer: Because there’s a storm, and you weren’t doing anything about it. Also, apparently they’re afraid of you, because you’re so powerful. So what do you want them to do, have faith that you’re not powerful?

Jesus asks Peter: Why did you doubt that you could walk on water? Answer: Water isn’t known for being a very sturdy thing to stand on.

Jesus asks his disciples: Are you still so dull? Answer: Yep, your disciples are pretty stupid.

He asks his disciples: Why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread? Answer: Because you’re talking in confusing parables, as usual. Parables involving bread, in this case.

Jesus asks Peter: What do you think, Simon? Answer: He thinks his teacher pays the temple tax.

When his disciples ask him about one of his parables, Jesus asks: Don’t you understand this parable? Answer: No.

He asks: How then will you understand any parable? Answer: They could try finding someone who can tell parables that make sense.

When two of his disciples say they want him to do for them whatever they ask, Jesus asks: What do you want me to do for you? Answer: Whatever they ask.

Jesus asks his disciples: Do you see all these things? Answer: They wouldn’t be calling your attention to them if they hadn’t seen them.

He asks his disciples: Why are you bothering this woman? Answer: They just said why. She’s wasting valuable perfume instead of selling it and giving the money to the poor. And no, the fact that there will be other poor people around later is not a good reason to refuse to help the poor individuals who are with you now.

When they try to defend him from the people arresting him, Jesus asks his disciples: Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? Answer: What they were thinking was probably that you had told them to buy swords, and you had told them to keep watch, so you must want them to defend you. If you didn’t want them to defend you, what would be the point of buying swords or keeping watch?

And he asks: But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way? Answer: There aren’t any to fulfill.

Jesus’s questions for the Jewish religious leaders

Jesus asks: Which is easier, to say “Your sins are forgiven”, or to say “Get up and walk”? (Implied answer: “Your sins are forgiven” is easier to say.) Real answer: “Get up and walk” is easier to say. And that’s even if you didn’t have to explain yourself to the people who heard you blaspheming when you said the other thing. Anyway, Jesus doesn’t seem to actually care about which one is easier to say, since he ends up saying longer versions of both.

Jesus asks: Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need? Answer: I’m sure they have, but that says nothing about whether David was right to do it. Are you seriously arguing that because somebody broke the law once, it must be okay for people to break the law?

He asks: Or haven’t you read in the Law that the priests on Sabbath duty in the temple desecrate the Sabbath and yet are innocent? Answer: Nope, I’ve read the biblical Law several times, and never noticed any such thing.

Then he asks: Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath? (Implied answer: Yes.) Real answer: Lawful according to Jewish law? No, probably not.

And he asks: Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill? Answer: Whichever doesn’t involve doing any work. So probably neither.

When the Pharisees accuse Jesus of driving out demons by the prince of demons, Jesus asks: If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand? Answer: I think what they’re trying to say is that you’re not actually fighting against Satan, you’re just pretending to. After all, you said yourself that the demons you drive out of people are just going to come back and bring lots more demons with them, leaving people worse off than before.

Jesus asks: How can Satan drive out Satan? Answer: He doesn’t need to. Evil spirits come from God. So if you claim to drive out evil spirits by God, or worse, claim to be God, then you’re the one who is divided against himself. How then can your kingdom stand?

And Jesus asks: If I drive out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your people drive them out? (I have no idea what answer Jesus is trying to imply here.) Real answer: God, obviously. Except Jews don’t really think of it as “driving them out”. They see exorcisms as a way to help the intruding spirits as much as a way to help the affected people.

Jesus asks the Pharisees: How can you who are evil say anything good? Answer: By deceptively pretending to be good?

He asks the Pharisees: Why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition, teaching people to give money to God instead of using it to help their parents? Answer: The commands you’re referring to say nothing about giving your parents money.

Jesus asks the Pharisees: Why are you trying to trap me? Answer: Because they think you’re committing and inciting treason.

He asks the Pharisees: How will you escape being condemned to hell? Answer: How about by not doing what you just told them to do?

When the Sadducees ask about how marriage will work after the resurrection, Jesus asks them: Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God? Answer: No, the Jewish scriptures hardly even said anything about a resurrection, much less about the kind of details the Sadducees were asking about.

Jesus asks the people arresting him: Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Answer: Maybe not really, but some Jews were worried that their Roman overlords would see it that way, which would get all the Jews in big trouble.

To be continued…