The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the gospel of John.

Two of John the Baptist’s disciples ask Jesus: Where are you staying? (Jesus’s answer is to take them to see the place where he’s staying.) Alternative biblical answer: He has no place to lay his head.

Nathanael asks: Can anything good come from Nazareth? Answer: It’s the Silicon Valley of the Arab community.

A Samaritan woman asks Jesus: You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink? Answer: Why not? Do you think he has to be prejudiced just because he’s a Jew? I think you’re projectjudiced.

She asks Jesus: Where can you get this living water? Answer: For all we know, he can’t. The Bible never says Jesus actually permanently cured anyone’s thirst.

The non-Iscariot Judas asks Jesus: Why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world? Answer: Because Jesus hates the world, and doesn’t want to have to save it.

Pilate asks the Jewish religious leaders: What charges are you bringing against this man? Answer: Jewish blasphemy law violations that the Romans can’t prosecute, because they aren’t against the Roman law, so it’s pointless to bring those charges.

Pilate asks: Am I a Jew? Answer: I don’t think so.

He asks: What is truth? Answer: Truth is when what you think or say matches reality.

The Jews’ questions

Nicodemus asks: How can someone be born when they are old? Answer: Who said you have to do it when you’re old?

The Jews ask: How can this man give us his flesh to eat? Answer: Let me see… He could cut off parts of himself for you, or he could give you permission to eat him after he dies,¹ or he could just let you eat him alive…

The Jewish religious leaders ask: Where is he? Answer: Jesus is at the festival he said he wasn’t going to go to.

The Jews at the temple ask: How did this man get such learning without having been taught? Answer: He didn’t. Jesus has been learning from religious teachers since he was a boy.

The Jews ask Jesus: Who is trying to kill you? Answer: The leaders are trying to kill him. The common people, who he just accused of trying to kill him, are not.

Some of the people of Jerusalem ask: Isn’t this the man they are trying to kill? Answer: Yes.

And they ask: Have the authorities really concluded that he is the Messiah? Answer: No.

The Pharisees ask: Have any of the rulers or any of the Pharisees believed in him? (Their self answer: No!) Real answer: Yes.

The teachers of the law and Pharisees ask Jesus: In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say? Answer: Jesus says rules that he made up, that are incompatible with God’s Law.

The Jews ask: Will he kill himself? Is that why he says, “Where I go, you cannot come”? Answer: I didn’t know Jews were immortal.

Some Jews ask Jesus: Aren’t we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed? Answer: No, he’s not a Samaritan.

And they ask him: Who do you think you are? Answer: He thinks he’s the son of God.²

Some Pharisees ask: How can a sinner perform such signs? Answer: God says false prophets can do miracles too. It sounds like God even helps them do their miracles, for sinful purposes.

Many Jews who hear Jesus talking ask: He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him? Answer: To hear for yourself how crazy he is.

Other Jews disagree, and ask: Can a demon open the eyes of the blind? Answer: Demons can perform signs, so I don’t see why not.

After Lazarus dies, some Jews ask: Couldn’t he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying? Answer: He could have if he wanted to, but he chose not to, just because he wanted to get to show off.

Before Passover, many Jews ask: Isn’t he coming to the festival at all? Answer: Yes.

An official asks Jesus: Is this the way you answer the high priest? Answer: Yes, the way Jesus answered the high priest is the way Jesus answers the high priest.

Jesus’s questions

Jesus asks a Samaritan woman: Will you give me a drink? Answer: No, she won’t.

Jesus asks: The one who believes in me will live, even though they die, and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this? Answer: You just contradicted yourself, so no, that’s not believable.

Jesus asks Martha: Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God? Answer: If you did tell her that, it wasn’t recorded in the Bible.

Jesus asks: Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? “Father, save me from this hour”? (His self-answer: No, if I don’t let them kill me, then I won’t be able to do what God sent me here to do.) Real answer: Yes. God is supposed to be all-powerful, so he should be able to accomplish his goals without violence.

Jesus asks Peter: Will you really lay down your life for me? Answer: Yeah, if you want to call it that.

Jesus asks his disciples: My Father’s house has many rooms. If that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? Answer: You didn’t tell them that anyway.

Jesus asks Philip: Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say “Show us the Father”? Answer: You started out this chapter by mentioning God and yourself as clearly distinct, so why wouldn’t you expect your disciples to think that way?

Jesus asks his disciples: Are you asking one another what I meant when I said “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me? Answer: Yes.

When Pilate asks Jesus if he’s the king of the Jews, Jesus asks him: Is that your own idea? Answer: Apparently. There doesn’t seem to have been anyone else around who thought Jesus was the king of the Jews.

Incognito resurrected Jesus asks Mary Magdalene twice: Woman, why are you crying? Answer: Because she thinks your body has been stolen or something.

Incognito resurrected Jesus asks his disciples: Friends, haven’t you any fish? Answer: Go fish.

Jesus’s questions to the Jews

Jesus asks Nicodemus: You are Israel’s teacher, and do you not understand these things? Answer: No, nobody understands your nonsense, Jesus.

He asks Nicodemus: I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? Answer: The problem isn’t that he doesn’t believe you, it’s that he doesn’t even understand what you’re trying to say. Which is your fault.

Jesus asks the Jewish religious leaders: How can you believe, since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? Answer: They can’t believe you, because you’re unconvincing. Don’t act like it’s somehow their fault if they don’t believe you.

Jesus asks them: If you believed Moses, you would believe me, for he wrote about me. But since you do not believe what he wrote, how are you going to believe what I say? Answer: Well, first you’ll have to convince me that he wrote about you.

Jesus asks the Jews at the temple: Why are you trying to kill me? Answer: They’re not. Their leaders are.

Jesus asks them: If a boy can be circumcised on the Sabbath so that the law of Moses may not be broken, why are you angry with me for healing a man’s whole body on the Sabbath? Answer: They’re not, obviously. They can’t be angry because of that, because these people haven’t seen you do any such thing. If they’re angry, it’s probably because you’re falsely accusing them of trying to kill you.

Jesus asks some Jews: Why is my language not clear to you? Answer: Because you intentionally speak in confusing parables.

Jesus asks them: Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? Answer: Easily. If Jesus was without sin, then he would have thrown the first stone earlier in this chapter, but he didn’t.

He asks them: If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? Answer: Who accused you of telling the truth?

Jesus asks the Jews: Is it not written in your Law, “I have said you are gods”? (Jesus’s answer: Yes, the scripture calls people gods, therefore people can be called gods, therefore you have to believe Jesus when he says he’s God. But any other human who calls himself a god isn’t really.) Real answer: Yes, it is written, but it’s unclear who that Old Testament passage is addressing. It was probably originally meant to be about gods. Whatever it means, it definitely doesn’t support what Jesus wants it to mean.

Jesus asks them: Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said “I am God’s Son”? Answer: You said more than that.

Jesus asks the high priest: I have spoken openly to the world. I said nothing in secret. Why question me? Answer: Because you did say things to your disciples in secret. It’s also possible that the high priest wants to know something that you haven’t told anyone.

Jesus asks an official: If I said something wrong, testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me? Answer: You did not speak the truth. You said you had said nothing in secret, which was wrong.

To be continued…