The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the gospels of Matthew and Mark.1
The Magi ask: Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? Answer: The Jews had some kings who started reigning pretty young, but I don’t think they ever had one who was king from birth.
John the Baptist asks Jesus: I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me? Answer: Yes, he comes to you. I don’t know why, but he does.
The legion of demons ask Jesus: What do you want with us, Son of God? Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time? Answer: No, he’s just going to let you do whatever you want.
John the Baptist’s disciples ask Jesus: Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else? Answer: Neither.
People who see Jesus performing miracles ask: Could this be the Son of David? Answer: Nah, he’d be much older if he was.
Some people from Jairus’s house ask him: Your daughter is dead. Why bother the teacher anymore? Answer: Because she’s not dead.
In one of Jesus’s parables, a king (this character represents God) asks one of his servants: Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? Answer: Well, his fellow servant owed him a lot less than the hopelessly enormous debt that this servant had owed you. I would think that makes a difference. Plus, you’re a king, so you presumably didn’t really need the money all that badly. I would think that makes a difference, too. You don’t think everybody should always be required to forgive every debt they’re owed, do you? Because if you did, that would be the same as condoning theft.
In another parable, an employer (representing God) asks: Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Answer: Yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that whatever you do with your money is right.
The employer asks his workers: Or are you envious because I am generous? Answer: No, I’m pretty sure the problem they have with you has more to do with how selective your “generosity” is.
In another parable, a king (representing God) asks a guest at his son’s wedding: How did you get in here without wedding clothes? Answer: It probably has something to do with the fact that all your guests are random people that you had indiscriminately dragged in off the streets at the last minute.
A man asks Jesus: What good thing must I do to get eternal life? Answer: Who said the requirements were about doing good things? To get eternal life, you have to have a life full of hardships and suffering and bad things that you hate. (While also gaining lots of friends by being wealthy.) And you have to avoid doing and saying things God doesn’t like.
You can also get eternal life for arbitrary things like being part of the same household as a Christian, or being from Israel. Except you also have to believe in Jesus to be saved, and there’s probably not a lot of overlap between that and being from Israel. Really, whether you get eternal life is up to God’s arbitrary choice, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Or maybe you could try letting Satan destroy your flesh. That might help.
Some bystanders ask some of Jesus’s disciples: What are you doing, untying that colt? Answer: Yes.
Pilate asks Jesus: Are you the king of the Jews? Answer: No, Jesus refused to be the king of the Jews.
When the Jews demand that Jesus be crucified, Pilate asks: Why? What crime has he committed? Answer: Jesus’s crimes include…
- Obstruction of justice
- Counterfeiting
- Vandalism, theft, and destruction of others’ property
- Assault with a weapon
- Inciting violence
- False prophecy (a capital offense under God’s law)
- Blasphemy
- Working on the Sabbath (a capital offense under God’s law)
- Trying to change God’s laws
- Treason (supposing it was true that he was trying to become king of the Jews)
The disciples’ questions
After Jesus tells the storm to stop, his disciples ask: What kind of man is this? Answer: An ugly, bad-breathed, ignorant, rude, heretical, blaspheming, deliberately divisive, lying, xenophobic, hatemongering, violent, lawbreaking, motherfucking bastard.
After Jesus drives out a demon that his disciples had failed to drive out, his disciples ask: Why couldn’t we drive it out? Answer: Apparently it works better if you don’t invoke the name of Jesus.
Jesus’s disciples ask him: Why do you speak to the people in parables? Answer: Because he wants to let Satan sabotage his efforts, apparently.
Jesus’s disciples ask: Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? (Jesus’s answer: Whoever takes the lowly position of a child.) Alternative biblical answer: Whoever’s the best at following the rules.
When Jesus says the temple is going to be destroyed, his disciples ask him: When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age? Answer: 70 AD, and nothing.
The Jewish religious leaders’ questions
The teachers of the law ask: Why does this fellow talk like that? Answer: Because he thinks it will somehow be easier if he uses more words than necessary, and then has to explain himself, and then repeats even longer versions of both the long and the short versions of what he wanted to say.
They ask: Who can forgive sins but God alone? Answer: The disciples can, apparently. I guess they must be God too.
The Pharisees ask Jesus’s disciples: Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners? Answer: Because no one else exists.
Some Pharisees ask: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Answer: It is now.
When Jesus implies that it’s not lawful, they ask: Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Answer: He didn’t.
The chief priests ask: Do you hear what these children are saying? Answer: Yeah, they’re saying a word that they seem to have mistaken for an expression of praise.
The high priest asks Jesus: Are you not going to answer? Answer: No, not really.
He asks Jesus: What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you? Answer: It’s mostly true.