The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job asked. But first, a couple of questions from God to Satan.

God asks Satan: Where have you come from? Answer: I suppose God must have created him. What did you do that for, God?

On another day, God asks Satan: Have you considered my servant Job? Answer: Yes, he already told you in the previous chapter what he thought about Job. Have you forgotten already?

Job asks: Why did I not die at birth? Answer: Because then God wouldn’t get to torture you, I guess.

Job asks: Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass? Answer: Yes, donkeys bray for lots of different reasons.

He asks: Is tasteless food eaten without salt? Answer: I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the case somewhere in the world.

And he asks: Is there flavor in the sap of the mallow? Answer: Not much.

He asks: Is there any wickedness on my lips? Answer: No, there’s nothing wrong with saying God is unjust. God doesn’t seem to think there is, anyway. After Job spends the whole book insisting that God has treated him unjustly, God says Job has spoken the truth about him.

Job asks: Do not mortals have hard service on earth? Are not their days like those of hired laborers? Answer: I guess so… for the ones that are hired laborers, at least.

He asks: Are not my few days almost over? Answer: No.

He asks: Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food? Answer: Depends on what you mean by “test”. That sounds more like the brain’s department to me.

And he asks: Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding? Answer: Not significantly.

Then he asks: Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Answer: You want to challenge God’s apparent assessment of your morality because you aren’t fully aware of just how little God cares about that.

He asks: Can anyone bring charges against me? Answer: Yes, but they’re false ones.

He asks: How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Answer: None that I know of.

Job asks: Who can bring what is pure from the impure? His self-answer: No one. Alternative biblical answer: Elisha can. So can silversmiths. And harvesters. And fathers. God does it all the time, too. Your tongue is a world of evil, full of deadly poison, but that doesn’t stop it from praising God. And evildoers who don’t do God’s will can drive out demons and stuff just as well as anyone.

He asks: If someone dies, will they live again? His implied answer: No. Alternative biblical answer: Yes. Real answer: Not likely, but it depends on how you define death.

He asks: Where is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? Answer: You did just a few verses ago.

And he asks: Will it go down to the gates of death? Will we descend together into the dust? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power? Answer: Because there’s no just God running the world.

Job asks: How often is the lamp of the wicked snuffed out? Implied answer: Not often enough. Real answer: Always. All wicked people die, just like all good people.

He asks: Who denounces the conduct of the wicked to their face? Answer: The people who disapprove of them?

And he asks: Who repays them for what they have done? Answer: The legal system?

Job asks: Who can understand “the thunder of his power”? Answer: Anyone who cares to learn about it.

Job asks: Where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? Answer: In wise people.

Questions about God

Job asks his wife: Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? Answer: Yes, of course. Unless we reject the idea that God is completely good, it would make no sense to accept that God did something bad.

Job changes his tune, and asks: Why is life and light given to those in bitter misery, who God has hedged in, who seek and long for death that does not come, who will rejoice when they reach the grave? Answer: You can’t improve things if you’re dead.

Job asks: How can mere mortals prove their innocence before God? Answer: Just be innocent, and he’ll know. He may not care, though.

He asks: Who has resisted God and come out unscathed? Answer: Satan seems to be doing fine so far. Or how about George Carlin? Or Charles Bradlaugh…

Then he asks: Who can say to him, “What are you doing?” Answer: Anyone.

He asks: How can I dispute with him? How can I find words to argue with him? Answer: No problem, he doesn’t even disagree with you. Just keep going.

And he asks: If it is a matter of justice, who can challenge him? Answer: Come on, look at what you just said about him a few verses ago. And a few verses after. It’s not at all hard to beat that. Unless by “who can challenge him”, you mean “Who could be less just?”, or “Who can convince him to stop being so unjust”…

Job asks: If you ask the animals, which of them does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? Answer: I couldn’t get any animals to talk to me about God, so I can only assume that none of them know.

He asks: Could you deceive him as you might deceive a mortal? Answer: Well, the book of Hebrews claims that Abraham knew all along that he wasn’t actually going to lose the son God told him to sacrifice. If that was true, that would mean Abraham tricked God into thinking he had proven that Abraham was willing give up his son for him, when Abraham didn’t actually expect to lose his son at all. So if Hebrews is right, I guess it is possible to deceive God.

Job asks: Is my complaint directed to a human being? Why should I not be impatient? Answer: You might think it would be because God doesn’t like that, but in this case it doesn’t really matter if Job does things God doesn’t like, since this story is about God punishing him even when he’s done nothing wrong.

Job imagines people asking: What would we gain by praying to God? Answer: The same results you would get if you prayed to a jug of milk.

Job asks: Can anyone teach knowledge to God, since he judges even the highest? Answer: Sure, might doesn’t make him right.

Job asks: If I could state my case before God, would he vigorously oppose me? Job’s self-answer: No, he would not press charges against me. Real answer: Yes, he already knows you’re innocent, so telling him so wouldn’t make any difference.

He asks: Who can oppose God? Answer: Jacob can physically overpower him!

Job asks: Why does the Almighty not set times for judgment? Why must those who know him look in vain for such days? Answer: Many answers have been proposed for questions like that. None of them make much sense except that God doesn’t exist.

Then he asks: If it’s not true that God makes sure wicked people quickly die, who can prove me false and reduce my words to nothing? Answer: Uh… you? You’re the one who’s been arguing against that.

He asks: What hope do the godless have when God takes away their life? Biblical answer: Same as anyone else who dies. None. The dead are all cut off from God and he never remembers them again. But don’t worry, that’s no worse than being alive, since there’s no hope for the living either!

Then he asks: Does God listen to their cry when distress comes upon them? Answer: No, God doesn’t listen to anyone.

He asks: Will they find delight in the Almighty? Will they call on God at all times? Answer: Will “the godless” do that? Uh, no.

Job asks: What is our lot from God? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Answer: Yes, it is not.

And he asks: What will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account? Answer: You should tell him he shouldn’t have punished you for nothing, since doing that could easily make you give up on trying to please him. But all you’ll actually do is act like God has given you some reason to think you were wrong, when he hasn’t, and when he doesn’t even think you’ve said anything wrong.

Questions for Job’s friends

Job asks his “friends”: What do your arguments prove? Answer: Together with God’s comment that they did not speak the truth about him, their arguments in defense of God prove that God is not good.

He asks them: Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat my desperate words as wind? Answer: Yes.

Job asks his friends: Will you speak wickedly on God’s behalf? Will you show him partiality? Will you argue the case for God? Answer: Yes, they will argue that God is just, which God thinks is a wicked thing to say about him.

He asks his friends: Will you speak deceitfully for him? Answer: No, just ignorantly.

He asks them: Would it turn out well if he examined you? Answer: No, God doesn’t approve of them defending him.

Job asks his friends: Will your long-winded speeches never end? Answer: No, they won’t never.

He asks them: What ails you that you keep on arguing? Answer: Faith in the goodness of God does.

Job asks his friends: How long will you torment me and crush me with words? Answer: Just three more chapters from these three guys, but then somebody else joins in…

He asks them: Why do you pursue me as God does? Answer: Because they falsely think you’ve done something wrong.

Job asks his friends: You have all seen this yourselves. Why then this meaningless talk? Answer: Why are they arguing for the position that you’ve now randomly started to also defend after spending most of the book opposing it? Because it’s what they believe. What’s your excuse?

Questions for God

Job asks God: What is mankind that you give them so much attention, examine them every morning, and test them every moment? Answer: We don’t have to be anything special to get that kind of attention if God is all-seeing.

He asks God: Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? Answer: He will not. (See the next verse:)

He asks him: If I have sinned, what have I done to you, you who see everything we do? Answer: Nothing. Our actions only affect mortals.

And he asks him: Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? Answer: No, he just wanted to try to prove to Satan that you loved him unconditionally. It didn’t work.

He asks God: Why do you not forgive my sins? Answer: Because you didn’t sin.

Job asks God: Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the plans of the wicked? Answer: Probably.

He asks God: Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Answer: Not quite, in this case. But that’s definitely the kind of thing he would do.

He asks God: Why do you hide your face and consider me your enemy? Answer: Because he wants to try to prove that you won’t say anything bad about him if he treats you badly for no reason. (That’s not working out so well.)

Job asks God: Do you fix your eye on mortals? Answer: Yes.

He asks God: Will you bring them before you for judgment? Answer: The Bible says he will, but that’s not what’s happening here.

For more answers, see part 8.