The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the Psalms.

A king asks: Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? Answer: It probably has something to do with how tyrannical you and your God are being.

Someone asks God: Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Answer: Because he doesn’t exist.

He asks: Why does the wicked man revile God? Answer: Because God’s even more wicked?

And he asks: Why does he say to himself, “He won’t call me to account”? Answer: Experience?

Ethan the Ezrahite asks: Who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? Answer: Does Satan count? He and God have a lot in common.

Ethan asks: How long, Lord? Will you hide yourself forever? Answer: Yes, God never listens to humans. Other than that one time.

He asks: Who can live and not see death, or who can escape the power of the grave? Answer: Enoch and Melchizadek and Elijah.

He asks God: Where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David? Answer: He broke his promise to David, but what’s it to you, Ethan?

Moses asks: How long will it be? Answer: How long will what be? How long will our lives be limited to around 70 or 80 years? It’s still about like that over 3000 years later. Maybe we’ll be able to do something about that eventually, but not by waiting around for God to do something.

Someone asks some fools: When will you become wise? Answer: The Bible claims it’s impossible, but the Bible’s wrong, as usual.

He asks: Does he who fashioned the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see? Answer: The blind watchmaker does not hear or see.

Then he asks: Does he who disciplines nations not punish? Answer: Judging by what the Bible says about God, it seems like he mainly just punishes people who don’t deserve to be punished.

And he asks: Does he who teaches mankind lack knowledge? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Can a corrupt throne be allied with you—a throne that brings on misery by its decrees? Answer: You mean evil kings like David? Apparently yes.

Someone asks: Had the Egyptians not rebelled against God’s words in Moses’s time? Answer: No, the Egyptians had done exactly what God made them do.

Someone asks: Why was it, sea, that you fled? Why, Jordan, did you turn back? Why, mountains, did you leap like rams, you hills, like lambs? Answer: Because your author is insane?

Someone asks: Why do the nations say, “Where is their God?” Answer: Because you don’t use idols to represent your god, like they’re used to.

Someone asks: How long must your servant wait? When will you punish my persecutors? Answer: Never.

Someone asks: What will he do to you, and what more besides, you deceitful tongue? Answer: He won’t do any more to you than what he does to you, you deceitful tongue.

Someone asks: Where does my help come from? Answer: Helpful people.

Someone asks God: If you kept a record of sins, who could stand? Answer: Poor people who hate their unpleasant lives, but still dress right and get places on time. And rich people with lots of friends. And people who live with Christians, but don’t care about evil, and then get destroyed by Satan. And whoever else God randomly decided he wanted to save.

David’s questions

David asks God: Who praises you from the grave? Answer: No one.

He asks God: Compared to the heavens, the moon and the stars, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, what are human beings that you care for them, and what are mere mortals that you think of them? Answer: Sentient.

David asks: In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me: “Flee like a bird to your mountain. For look, the wicked bend their bows; they set their arrows against the strings to shoot from the shadows at the upright in heart. When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?” Answer: Because there is no God.

David imagines people asking: Who is lord over us? Answer: David.

David asks: Do all these evildoers know nothing? Answer: Maybe not nothing, but wrong actions usually are caused by wrong beliefs.

David asks God: Who may dwell in your sacred tent? Answer: You?

David asks: Who is God besides the Lord? Answer: God Nisanov and God Shammgod.

He asks: And who is the Rock except our God? Answer: Peter. And Dwayne Johnson.

David asks: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? Answer: So many possible reasons… Could it be the sacrilege? The excessive polygamy? The arrogance? The lies? The adultery? The theft? The injustice? The murder?

David asks: The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Answer: Maybe you’ll fear God? But more likely, you’ll fear your enemies.

David asks God: Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Answer: Well, Jesus thinks that kind of thing can happen…

David asks: Who is like you, Lord? Answer: Hitler.

David asks God: How long will you look on without helping? Answer: Always.

David says his enemies ask about him: When will he die and his name perish? Answer: He dies after reigning 40 years, but his name is still very well known thousands of years later.

David asks Doeg: Why do you boast of evil, you mighty hero? Why do you boast all day long, you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God? Answer: He thinks you’re doing something wrong, and that he’s doing right to stop you.

David asks: What can mere mortals do to me? Answer: Kill you and stuff.

David asks God: When will you come to me? Answer: Isn’t he supposed to be omnipresent? If he is, then he’s already there.

David asks: Who will bring me to the fortified city? Who will lead me to Edom? Is it not you, God, you who have rejected us and no longer go out with our armies? Answer: If he’s rejected you, then no, it’s probably not him.

David asks God: Where can I flee from your presence? Answer: In a house, in a temple, in the east or the west…

The sons of Korah’s questions

The sons of Korah ask: When can I go and meet with God? Answer: If he existed, I suppose you could meet your maker any time you wanted, but it would be a rather expensive trip…

They ask: Why, my soul, are you downcast and disturbed within me? Answer: Probably because God has forgotten you, and you’re oppressed by the enemy.

They ask God: Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Answer: Aren’t you guys the sons of one of those rebels whose families God killed along with them? Forget being forgotten, how are you even alive?

The sons of Korah ask: If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread out our hands to a foreign god, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Answer: I don’t know, he seems pretty good at ignoring evil. But yeah, he would probably notice a personal offense against him.

They ask God: Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression? Answer: He never was helping you. As Solomon says, what happens to you is just chance.

The sons of Korah ask: Why should I fear when evil days come, when wicked deceivers surround me? Answer: Uh, because you’ll be in danger?

The sons of Korah ask God: Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion? Answer: No. The dead are too busy suffering. Also, yes.

They ask God: Why do you reject me and hide your face from me? Answer: Maybe because he doesn’t want you to die.

Asaph’s questions

Asaph says God asks: Do I eat the flesh of bulls or drink the blood of goats? Answer: Yes.

Asaph imagines God asking the wicked: What right have you to recite my laws or take my covenant on your lips? Answer: Freedom of speech, freedom of religion.

Asaph asks: How long will the enemy mock you, God? Will the foe revile your name forever? Answer: Only until this god is forgotten.

Asaph asks God: Who can stand before you when you are angry? Answer: Moses, Balaam, Solomon, Rehoboam…

Asaph asks: Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion? And he asks: How long, Lord? Will you be angry forever? How long will your jealousy burn like fire? And the sons of Korah ask: Will you be angry with us forever? Will you prolong your anger through all generations? Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you? And Ethan the Ezrahite asks: How long will your wrath burn like fire? Answer: His anger and disfavor will last forever, like everything he does, because he has rejected his people completely and forever. And also, it won’t, because God would never reject his people.

Asaph asks: What god is as great as our God? Answer: All of them.

He asks: Why should the nations say, “Where is their God?” Answer: Same reason they should say it about any other god.

Asaph asks God: How long will your anger smolder against the prayers of your people? Answer: Until everyone realizes it’s not very respectful to act like they know better than God what God should do, and everyone therefore stops praying.

Asaph imagines God asking the other gods: How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Answer: I don’t think they’ll be doing that at all.

To be continued…