The Bible gets rather more interesting when you know about all the euphemisms that the writers and translators apparently used.

Biblical euphemisms for male genitals include:

• “Thigh”
• “Waist”
• “Feet”
• “Hand”
• “Grasshopper”

Biblical euphemisms for female genitals include:

• “Waist”
• “Mouth”
• “Feet”
• “Scalp“
• “Pomegranates”

Biblical euphemisms for sex include:

• “Knowing” someone
• “Grinding”
• “Eating”
• “Spreading one’s garment over” someone

The “Song of Songs” is full of euphemisms for various sex acts. And apparently when it says “Our bed is verdant“, it means “We’re having sex out on the grass”.

With all that in mind, here are some fun Bible passages to read, which may or may not contain euphemisms…

• Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his “thigh” when making him a promise. And Jacob makes his son put his hand under his “thigh” when making him a promise. (Seriously, that’s one of the ways people took oaths back then. They held each other’s junk.)
• The already thoroughly bizarre story of how Moses’s wife stopped God from randomly killing him… gets even weirder.
• God wants people to wave the “thighs” of animals at him.
• God says it’s okay to “eat” any kind of “grasshopper“. And Jesus says what goes into your “mouth” can’t defile you.
• Balaam beats his donkey after an angel causes it to crush his “foot” against the wall. (Too bad he couldn’t have read Psalms, or he’d know how to get angels to prevent him from striking his “foot” against a stone.)
• God punishes his people with 40 years of no erections?
• When the Israelites lived in Egypt, they had to water their plants by “foot“.
• Moses tells his people that everything they put their “feet” on will belong to them.
• The Philistines imprison Samson and put him to work “grinding“. (Some people think this means the Philistines forced Samson to breed with their women in hopes of producing super-strong Philistine offspring.)
• Ruth’s mother-in-law advises her to uncover a sleeping man’s “feet“, so she does. When the man wakes up and finds her lying at his “feet”, she asks him to “spread the corner of his garment over her”. He agrees to do what she asked, and they spend the night together, and then she hurries away before anyone sees her.
• While a sad, unsatisfied woman is praying to be able to make babies, a priest observes her “mouth“. Afterward, she goes and “eats something“, and she feels much better.
• Abigail needs to get on David’s good side, so she falls at his “feet“.
• When David told Uriah to go home and wash his “feet“, apparently what he meant was that Uriah should go home to his wife and have sex. That’s how Uriah took it, and it’s what David needed him to do just then.
• Mephibosheth didn’t trim his mustache, wash his clothes, or “take care of his feet” the whole time David was away.
• Rehoboam declares that his little finger is thicker than his father’s “waist“.
• The Shunammite desperately needs Elisha’s help, so she rides out to meet him and then takes hold of his “feet”.
• Asa had a severe disease in his “feet“.
• To prove that he’s blameless, Job declares that if he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, then his wife can “grind another man’s grain“.
• David thinks righteous people want to dip their “feet” in the blood of their enemies.
• Solomon warns that an adulterous woman’s “feet” lead to death. Her “feet” never stay at home. Her “mouth” is a deep pit that men fall into. After she “eats”, she wipes her “mouth“.
• Solomon says letting a fool be your messenger is like cutting off your “feet“. But Jesus thinks if your “foot” leads you astray, you should cut it off.
• Solomon considers and rejects “grinding” a fool as a potential way to cure foolishness.
• Solomon describes what it’s like when the days of your youth are gone, when the sound of “grinding” stops because it’s hard to find anyone to “grind” with, and your “grasshopper” drags itself along, and desire is no longer stirred.
• Solomon wants his girl to “open to him”, but she has just washed her “feet” and is reluctant to get them dirty.
• She uses the word “belly” (or something like that) to refer to a part of him that she compares to an ivory tusk.
• When he’s talking about how good each part of her body looks, there’s one part that English versions of the Bible usually mistranslate as “navel” (and also “waist”, etc.). The metaphors he uses would make less sense if he was actually talking about those parts.
• He goes down to look at her “pomegranates“. She wants to give him the nectar of her “pomegranates“.
• Isaiah sees some angels using their wings to cover up their “feet“. Why would they need to hide their feet, unless…?
• God punishes his people because they can’t restrain their “feet“.
• As soon as God sees a girl and thinks she’s old enough, the first thing he does is “spread his garment over her“.
• A sinful woman comes and starts kissing Jesus’s “feet“. Their host thinks that’s inappropriate, but Jesus thinks his host should have kissed him too.
• Jesus says one day two women will be “grinding” together, when one of them will suddenly be taken somewhere.
• Jesus takes off his clothes for some reason, and starts washing his disciples’ “feet“, and drying them on the same towel he has around his “waist”. Peter doesn’t want Jesus washing his “feet”, but Jesus insists, and he tells his disciples that they need to start washing each other’s “feet”, too.
• When some women see Jesus for the first time since he died, they rush over and clasp his “feet“.
• Paul says widows don’t get assistance from the church unless they’re well known for washing the “feet” of the Lord’s people.
• Jesus has a name tattooed on his “thigh“.