The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job was asked.

Eliphaz’s questions

Eliphaz asks Job: If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? Answer: Yes. I don’t know why people think of Job as patient.

Eliphaz asks: But who can keep from speaking? Answer: Elihu can, for a while anyway.

Eliphaz asks Job: Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope? Answer: Apparently not. They clearly didn’t do him any good.

Eliphaz asks: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Answer: Who hasn’t?

And he asks: Where were the upright ever destroyed? Answer: On Earth.

He asks: Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can even a strong man be more pure than his Maker? Answer: lol that doesn’t sound hard

Eliphaz asks Job: Call if you will, but who will answer you? Answer: God will. Sort of. Eventually.

Eliphaz asks Job: Are you the first man ever born? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Were you brought forth before the hills? Answer: No.

He asks Job: Do you listen in on God’s council? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Do you have a monopoly on wisdom? Answer: No.

He asks him: What do you know that we do not know? What insights do you have that we do not have? Answer: He knows his own past better than you do.

Then he asks him: Are God’s consolations spoken gently to you not enough for you? Answer: Maybe they would be if God had actually said anything to him…

And he asks him: Why has your heart carried you away so that you vent your rage against God? Answer: Because God is torturing him and ruining his life.

He asks: What are mortals, that they could be righteous? Answer: If a perfect God made them, they must be perfect.

Eliphaz asks: Can a man be of benefit to God? Can even a wise person benefit him? Answer: No, that’s why he… didn’t create us?

Eliphaz asks Job: What pleasure would it give God if you were righteous? What would he gain if your ways were blameless? Answer: He wouldn’t be affected at all.

He asks Job: Is it for your piety that he rebukes you and brings charges against you? Answer: It’s not really a reaction to Job’s behavior at all. It’s just a test, that God failed.

He asks him: Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless? Answer: Yes, they are not.

Eliphaz asks: Is not God in the heights of heaven? Answer: Apparently not. Why would God say he was lifting his hand “to heaven” if he was already in heaven? Why would the Bible say his judgment “rises as high as the heavens” if that was where it was coming from? How could Jesus go to heaven when he died and then come back without having returned to God, if that was where God was? It’s not even possible for God to be in heaven. The heavens can’t contain him.

Eliphaz imagines Job asking: What does God know? Answer: Little enough that he feels the need to perform unethical experiments on people in order to learn more about them.

He imagines Job asking: Does he judge through such darkness? Answer: The Father judges no one.

Eliphaz asks Job: Will you keep to the old path that the wicked have trod? Answer: No, you can’t stay where you’ve never been.

Eliphaz imagines the wicked asking: What can God do to us? Answer: See preceding verse.

Bildad’s questions

Bildad asks Job: How long will you say such things? Answer: 20 chapters.

Bildad asks: Does God pervert justice? Does the Almighty pervert what is right? Answer: All the time.

Bildad asks Job: Will former generations not instruct you and tell you? Answer: No, no one from an older generation participates in this conversation. (Unless you count God.)

Bildad asks Job: When will you end these speeches? Answer: Chapter 31.

He asks Job: Why are we considered stupid in your sight? Answer: Because you have faith in the goodness of God, and that’s stupid.

And he asks him: Is the earth to be abandoned for your sake? Or must the rocks be moved from their place? Answer: No, God mainly just needs to stop actively tormenting innocent people.

Bildad asks: Can God’s forces be numbered? Answer: Let me see… Zero. Yeah, that wasn’t so hard.

He asks: On whom does his light not rise? Answer: “Rise”? Are you talking about the sun? Then some possible biblical answers are: Pharaoh, the wicked, Israel, prophets, and Paul.

Bildad asks: How can a mortal be righteous before God? Answer: I already answered that when Eliphaz asked it.

Zophar’s questions

Zophar asks: Are all these words to go unanswered? Answer: No.

He asks: Is this talker to be vindicated? Answer: Yes.

Zophar asks Job: Will your idle talk reduce others to silence? Answer: No.

He asks him: Will no one rebuke you when you mock? Answer: No, no one will not rebuke him.

And he asks: When God sees evil, does he not take note? Answer: If he does, he must not care much. Most of the time he does nothing about it.

Continue reading The Bible’s questions, answered—part 8: Answers to questions for Job →

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job asked. But first, a couple of questions from God to Satan.

God asks Satan: Where have you come from? Answer: I suppose God must have created him. What did you do that for, God?

On another day, God asks Satan: Have you considered my servant Job? Answer: Yes, he already told you in the previous chapter what he thought about Job. Have you forgotten already?

Job asks: Why did I not die at birth? Answer: Because then God wouldn’t get to torture you, I guess.

Job asks: Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass? Answer: Yes, donkeys bray for lots of different reasons.

He asks: Is tasteless food eaten without salt? Answer: I’d be surprised if that wasn’t the case somewhere in the world.

And he asks: Is there flavor in the sap of the mallow? Answer: Not much.

He asks: Is there any wickedness on my lips? Answer: No, there’s nothing wrong with saying God is unjust. God doesn’t seem to think there is, anyway. After Job spends the whole book insisting that God has treated him unjustly, God says Job has spoken the truth about him.

Job asks: Do not mortals have hard service on earth? Are not their days like those of hired laborers? Answer: I guess so… for the ones that are hired laborers, at least.

He asks: Are not my few days almost over? Answer: No.

He asks: Does not the ear test words as the tongue tastes food? Answer: Depends on what you mean by “test”. That sounds more like the brain’s department to me.

And he asks: Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding? Answer: Not significantly.

Then he asks: Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Answer: You want to challenge God’s apparent assessment of your morality because you aren’t fully aware of just how little God cares about that.

He asks: Can anyone bring charges against me? Answer: Yes, but they’re false ones.

He asks: How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Answer: None that I know of.

Job asks: Who can bring what is pure from the impure? His self-answer: No one. Alternative biblical answer: Elisha can. So can silversmiths. And harvesters. And fathers. God does it all the time, too. Your tongue is a world of evil, full of deadly poison, but that doesn’t stop it from praising God. And evildoers who don’t do God’s will can drive out demons and stuff just as well as anyone.

He asks: If someone dies, will they live again? His implied answer: No. Alternative biblical answer: Yes. Real answer: Not likely, but it depends on how you define death.

He asks: Where is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? Answer: You did just a few verses ago.

And he asks: Will it go down to the gates of death? Will we descend together into the dust? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power? Answer: Because there’s no just God running the world.

Job asks: How often is the lamp of the wicked snuffed out? Implied answer: Not often enough. Real answer: Always. All wicked people die, just like all good people.

He asks: Who denounces the conduct of the wicked to their face? Answer: The people who disapprove of them?

And he asks: Who repays them for what they have done? Answer: The legal system?

Job asks: Who can understand “the thunder of his power”? Answer: Anyone who cares to learn about it.

Job asks: Where can wisdom be found? Where does understanding dwell? Answer: In wise people.

Questions about God

Job asks his wife: Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? Answer: Yes, of course. Unless we reject the idea that God is completely good, it would make no sense to accept that God did something bad.

Job changes his tune, and asks: Why is life and light given to those in bitter misery, who God has hedged in, who seek and long for death that does not come, who will rejoice when they reach the grave? Answer: You can’t improve things if you’re dead.

Job asks: How can mere mortals prove their innocence before God? Answer: Just be innocent, and he’ll know. He may not care, though.

He asks: Who has resisted God and come out unscathed? Answer: Satan seems to be doing fine so far. Or how about George Carlin? Or Charles Bradlaugh…

Then he asks: Who can say to him, “What are you doing?” Answer: Anyone.

He asks: How can I dispute with him? How can I find words to argue with him? Answer: No problem, he doesn’t even disagree with you. Just keep going.

And he asks: If it is a matter of justice, who can challenge him? Answer: Come on, look at what you just said about him a few verses ago. And a few verses after. It’s not at all hard to beat that. Unless by “who can challenge him”, you mean “Who could be less just?”, or “Who can convince him to stop being so unjust”…

Job asks: If you ask the animals, which of them does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? Answer: I couldn’t get any animals to talk to me about God, so I can only assume that none of them know.

He asks: Could you deceive him as you might deceive a mortal? Answer: Well, the book of Hebrews claims that Abraham knew all along that he wasn’t actually going to lose the son God told him to sacrifice. If that was true, that would mean Abraham tricked God into thinking he had proven that Abraham was willing give up his son for him, when Abraham didn’t actually expect to lose his son at all. So if Hebrews is right, I guess it is possible to deceive God.

Job asks: Is my complaint directed to a human being? Why should I not be impatient? Answer: You might think it would be because God doesn’t like that, but in this case it doesn’t really matter if Job does things God doesn’t like, since this story is about God punishing him even when he’s done nothing wrong.

Job imagines people asking: What would we gain by praying to God? Answer: The same results you would get if you prayed to a jug of milk.

Job asks: Can anyone teach knowledge to God, since he judges even the highest? Answer: Sure, might doesn’t make him right.

Job asks: If I could state my case before God, would he vigorously oppose me? Job’s self-answer: No, he would not press charges against me. Real answer: Yes, he already knows you’re innocent, so telling him so wouldn’t make any difference.

He asks: Who can oppose God? Answer: Jacob can physically overpower him!

Job asks: Why does the Almighty not set times for judgment? Why must those who know him look in vain for such days? Answer: Many answers have been proposed for questions like that. None of them make much sense except that God doesn’t exist.

Then he asks: If it’s not true that God makes sure wicked people quickly die, who can prove me false and reduce my words to nothing? Answer: Uh… you? You’re the one who’s been arguing against that.

He asks: What hope do the godless have when God takes away their life? Biblical answer: Same as anyone else who dies. None. The dead are all cut off from God and he never remembers them again. But don’t worry, that’s no worse than being alive, since there’s no hope for the living either!

Then he asks: Does God listen to their cry when distress comes upon them? Answer: No, God doesn’t listen to anyone.

He asks: Will they find delight in the Almighty? Will they call on God at all times? Answer: Will “the godless” do that? Uh, no.

Job asks: What is our lot from God? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Answer: Yes, it is not.

And he asks: What will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account? Answer: You should tell him he shouldn’t have punished you for nothing, since doing that could easily make you give up on trying to please him. But all you’ll actually do is act like God has given you some reason to think you were wrong, when he hasn’t, and when he doesn’t even think you’ve said anything wrong.

Continue reading The Bible’s questions, answered—part 7: Answers to questions from Job →