Good news: According to the Bible, you don’t ever need to worry about what you will eat. You can just let God take care of you, and he’ll provide you with all the food you need! He’ll drop it all over the ground and make you pick up unknown substances off the ground and eat them.

If a man suspects his wife might be cheating on him, God’s solution is to force her to drink some water contaminated with dust from the floor and ink from a scroll. God claims that this will only harm her if she’s actually guilty.

If you want to be a Nazirite for some reason, then when you’re done being that, somebody’s going to have to place a boiled shoulder in your hands.

Bodily excretions

When the Assyrians were besieging the Israelites, they told them they would soon have to resort to eating their own dung and drinking their own piss.

In the whole tribe of Ephraim, there’s not one table that isn’t covered with vomit.

When people don’t do what God wants, his response is to make sure every leg is wet with urine.

God told Ezekiel a very violent and lewd story where he complained that his girl preferred men who were hung like horses, and who could ejaculate like horses.

God threatened to smear dung on his priests’ faces.

Jesus restored a man’s ability to talk by spitting and touching his tongue. And he cured a blind man by spitting on the ground and putting the mud on the man’s eyes. Was that really necessary, Jesus?

Senseless violence

After torturing Job, God makes fun of him for not being able to put a cord through a leviathan’s nose, or a hook through its jaw, or harpoons through its hide, or spears through its head, and make it beg for mercy.

If somebody murdered somebody, but you don’t know who it was, you can still satisfy God’s bizarre sense of justice by breaking a cow’s neck.

Moses blessed the tribes of Joseph, saying they would gore the nations to the ends of the earth.

In three days, you will be impaled with a pole through your body, while birds pick away at your flesh.

When people don’t do what God wants, his response is to force them to eat the flesh of their sons and daughters. And to eat their own parents, too. That’ll make them stop doing bad things for sure.

A woman hammered a tent peg through her guest’s head while he slept. And then some people wrote a song praising her for crushing and piercing and shattering his head.

Another of God’s chosen “heroes” used thorns and briers to tear the flesh of the men of a city, because they had refused to give him free food.

The commanders of Saul’s and David’s armies made 24 of their men stab each other to death, just for fun.

Solomon says the good thing about having a gentle tongue is that you can break people’s bones with it.

A woman came before a king with a complaint: Another woman had convinced her to cook her son so they could eat him. The problem was that after they did that, when the woman then asked the other woman to cook her son too, as they had agreed, that other woman unfairly refused to contribute her part. She kept her son in hiding, leaving this woman with nothing to eat.

Elisha predicted that Hazael would become a violent king of Aram. He said Hazael would dash Israelite children to the ground and rip open pregnant women. So he did. (It doesn’t sound like Hazael was planning to do anything like that until Elisha gave him the idea.) Shallum king of Israel did similar things.

There are only one or two passages in the Bible where God disapproves of someone doing those things. The Bible doesn’t say whether God approved of these other people doing it or not. But it does say he punished his people by getting people to do those things to them.

Micah claims that at one point, the rulers of Israel were tearing the skin and flesh from their people’s bones, breaking their bones to pieces, and chopping up their flesh and eating it.

Habakkuk wishes God would still do the kinds of things he used to do. Like stealing a guy’s spear and piercing his head with it.

God tried to get Zechariah to be a shepherd, but he gave up and quit. He decided to let some of the sheep die, and let the rest eat each other’s flesh.

God had his prophet Zechariah announce that one day, God was going to be anti-prophecy. If anyone dared to continue prophesying then, their parents would stab them to death.

Jesus told a story about a man who was walking down the road when robbers came and stripped him, beat him, and left him half dead.

Before killing Jesus, the Roman soldiers flogged him, made him wear a crown of thorns, hit him in the head with a staff repeatedly, spat on him, and slapped his face.

The book of Acts claims that the Jews of Corinth beat their own synagogue leader in public, and nobody cared.

The vision of Revelation involves a beast and its horns stripping a prostitute, eating her flesh, and burning her with fire.

Dismemberment

If a woman tries to rescue her husband by grabbing his attacker’s private parts, God thinks you should cut off her hand.

A king cut off the thumbs and big toes of 70 other kings. Then the Israelites cut off the thumbs and big toes of that king.

A mob of wicked men surrounded a man’s house and demanded that he let them have sex with his male guest. But the man thought that would be vile and outrageous. So he offered them his daughter and his guest’s girlfriend instead. The guest himself agreed to send his girlfriend outside. The mob raped and abused her all night. By the time the guest went to check on her, she was dead. So he chopped her up into a dozen pieces and had them distributed all over the country.

Nahash (a very kind man, according to God’s favorite king David) offered to make peace with the Israelites, as long as they would let him gouge out all their right eyes.

One guy named Sheba somehow convinced the whole nation to instantly turn against David. David’s commander Joab threatened to attack the city Sheba was in. So the people of that city cut off Sheba’s head and threw it over the wall to Joab.

The idiot who wrote Proverbs 30 thinks ravens will peck out your eye if you ever mock your parents. They won’t eat it, though. Vultures will.

The king of Babylon put out the eyes of the last king of Judah, after making him watch his sons being killed.

God told Ezekiel a very violent and lewd story where he decided to get people to cut off his girl’s noses¹ and ears. And he said she’d be so sorry, she would tear her own breasts.

Herod promised to give his sexy stepdaughter/niece whatever she asked for. He ended up having to give her the head of John the Baptist on a platter.

Jesus advised people that they would be better off if they gouged out their own eyes and cut off their own hands.

When Jesus was arrested, his disciple Peter decided to cut off the ear of the high priest’s servant with a sword.

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul said he liked it better when they were willing to tear their eyes out and give them to him. And that he wished his Jewish opponents would cut off their whole dicks. Since they seemed to like that kind of thing so much.

Blood and gore

God wants you to give his priest a dove, so he can wring off its head, splash some of its blood on things and drain out the rest, tear it open, and burn it, because God likes the smell. He also wants the priest to dip a live bird in the blood of a dead bird. And use it to sprinkle blood all over your house. To make it “clean”.

God commanded his priests to sprinkle and smear blood all over each other and diseased people and everybody else.

When a new altar was made later, God made sure to give his people regulations for how to properly splash blood all over it. (To “purify” it.)

After David’s commander Joab stabbed David’s son to death, David tried to replace him with a new commander. But then Joab stabbed his replacement to death, so David let Joab keep his job. The description of this in the Bible is pretty gory.

The Bible claims that some people had a custom of cutting themselves with swords and spears so their blood flowed out, in order to get their gods’ attention.

Some eunuchs threw King Ahab’s widow out a window, just because some mass-murdering maniac came along and told them to. And her blood spattered everywhere as horses trampled over her. And then dogs came and ate her body. Then the maniac wrote a letter telling the guardians of Ahab’s 70 children to slaughter them all, and to bring him the children’s heads in baskets. So they did.²

Evil King Manasseh filled Jerusalem from end to end with innocent blood, while “good” King Josiah covered shrines with human bones. And he and “good” King Hezekiah both had people slaughter a bunch of animals so they could splash their blood on the altar.

After injuring his people’s heads, and beating them till there’s no soundness from their feet to the top of their heads, but only wounds, welts, and open sores, which are not cleansed or bandaged, God informs his people that they have been beaten, and their heads are injured, and there’s no soundness from their feet to the top of their heads, but only wounds, welts, and open sores, which are not cleansed or bandaged.

God so loves the world that he’s going give the nations over to slaughter, so the mountains will be soaked with blood and covered with stinky dead bodies. Then he’ll bathe his sword with the blood and fat of animals, slaughtering them too, until the land is drenched with blood and the dust is soaked with fat.

When God is feeling not so hostile toward his chosen people, then instead of doing horrible things to them, as usual, he instead forces their enemies to eat their own flesh and drink their own blood.

God told Ezekiel another very violent and lewd story about a girl he found kicking about in her blood. After she slaughtered her children, God complained that she didn’t seem to remember that time when she was kicking about in her blood.

God threatened a Pharaoh, saying he was going to drench the land with his flowing blood, spread his flesh on the mountains and in the ravines, and fill the valleys with his remains.

Judas fell over and his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. (At least according to the version of the story in Acts.)

One day, God is going to pour out the blood and entrails of all people like dung.

God is going to make all the nations attack Jerusalem at once. Then he’s going to punish them for doing that, by making their eyes, their tongues, and their flesh rot while they’re still standing there.

Jesus makes an appearance near the end of Revelation wearing a robe dipped in blood.