The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations.

God says Israel asks him: Will you always be angry? Will your wrath continue forever? Answer: Well, the Bible says he won’t, but of course, the Bible also says he will.

God imagines his people asking: Why has the Lord our God done all this to us? Answer: Because your God is an idiot who thinks that punishing you relentlessly will somehow make you start liking him.

Jeremiah imagines foreigners asking: Do people make their own gods? Jeremiah’s answer: Yes, but they are not gods. Real answer: Yes, and that’s all gods are.

God says the people of Jerusalem ask: Who can come against us? Who can enter our refuge? Answer: Nebuzaradan.

The people of Judah ask Jeremiah: Why do you prophesy in the Lord’s name that this house will be like Shiloh and this city will be desolate and deserted? Answer: Because Jerusalem is being besieged? It’s not hard to guess that’s what will happen.

Johanan asks Gedaliah: Why should Ishmael take your life and cause all the Jews who are gathered around you to be scattered and the remnant of Judah to perish? Answer: He shouldn’t. But since you’re demanding a reason he should, how about the fact that it was prophesied that everyone who didn’t go to Babylon would die?

God imagines the Philistines asking: But how can the sword of God rest when he has ordered it to attack Ashkelon and the coast? Answer: You could try asking God to stop. That might be slightly more likely to work than asking the sword to stop.

God’s questions to the Jews

God asks his people: What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me? And he asks: Why do you bring charges against me? Answer: Where do i begin?

He asks his people: Have you not brought this on yourselves by forsaking your God? Answer: If something bad happened to them because you were offended by something they did, it sounds like what happened to them was probably something you did.

He asks them: Why go to Egypt to drink water from the Nile? And why go to Assyria to drink water from the Euphrates? Answer: So they can drink water from the Nile and the Euphrates.

God asks his people: Why do you go about so much, changing your ways? Answer: Because you want them to?

And he asks Israel: But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers—would you now return to me? Implied answer: No, that would be wrong. Alternative biblical answer: Yes, and that’s exactly what God wants.

God asks Jerusalem: Why should I forgive you? Answer: Because you’re merciful and forgiving, even when people rebel against you. Or at least that’s what Daniel claims you’re like. Was he wrong?

God asks his people: Will you do evil and follow other gods, and then come and stand before me in my house and say, “We are safe”—safe to do all these detestable things? Answer: It seems unlikely to me that people would say that. They presumably wouldn’t think that worshiping their other gods was bad, so it wouldn’t be something they would think they needed to make sure it was safe to do. Unless they’re aware that God doesn’t like it, in which case I doubt they would think that being in his house would help.

God asks the people of Judah: Has this house, which bears my Name, become a den of robbers to you? Answer: Sounds like it’s one to God, anyway. But he doesn’t even know the difference between people robbing him and people giving him gifts. So his perception of the situation can’t tell us much about what’s really going on. I haven’t heard their side of the story, but no, I doubt they would see their temple as a den of robbers.

God asks his people: How can you say “We are wise, for we have the law of the Lord”, when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely? Answer: By having faith in biblical inerrancy.

God asks: What is my beloved doing in my temple as she, with many others, works out her evil schemes? Answer: She’s working out her evil schemes, apparently.

And he asks her: Can consecrated meat avert your punishment? Answer: It had better be able to. That’s the whole point of sacrifice, isn’t it? You wouldn’t command people to sacrifice animals if it was pointless, would you?

God asks: Who will have pity on you, Jerusalem? Who will mourn for you? Who will stop to ask how you are? Answer: Jeremiah.

He asks: Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does? Answer: Treat human beings like inanimate objects? You could, but you would be evil.

God asks the king of Judah: Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar? Answer: No, that’s not what makes him a king.

When people ask what the message from the Lord is, God intends to ask: What message? I will forsake you. Answer: That one.

God asks his people: Why do you cry out over your wound, your pain that has no cure? Answer: Because they have a painful wound that can’t be cured.

God asks: How long will you wander, unfaithful Daughter Israel? Answer: You tell me. You’re the one forcing them out of their home, so how long they will wander is presumably part of your plan.

God asks the Jews who have fled to Egypt: Why bring such great disaster on yourselves by cutting off from Judah the men and women, the children and infants, and so leave yourselves without a remnant? Answer: They’re not doing that, you are.

He asks them:  Why arouse my anger with what your hands have made, burning incense to other gods in Egypt, where you have come to live? Answer: Because in their anecdotal experience, serving other gods is positively correlated with their wellbeing. If that’s not what you wanted to happen, then you should have either timed your punishment better to make sure they wouldn’t experience confusing correlations, or educated them to make sure they wouldn’t engage in such flawed reasoning.

God’s questions about gods

God asks: Has a nation ever changed its gods? Implied answer: No, what this nation is doing is unprecedented and unheard of. Real answer: Yes.

He asks: Have I been a desert to Israel or a land of great darkness? Implied answer: No, their abandonment of their God is a mystery. Alternative biblical answer: Yes, he has been terribly harsh to his people.

God asks: Should you not fear me? Should you not tremble in my presence? Answer: If he’s really as merciful as his book sometimes claims he is, then no, I see no reason to fear him.

He asks: What do I care about incense from Sheba or sweet calamus from a distant land? Answer: You care enough about incense to demand dozens of times in your law that all your people give it to you regularly.

God asks: Am I the one they are provoking by worshiping a goddess? Answer: Yes, no one else minds if they do that.

And he asks: Are they not rather harming themselves, to their own shame? Answer: No.

Then he asks: Why then have these people turned away? Why does Jerusalem always turn away from me? Answer: Maybe they prefer gods that don’t torment them.

He asks: Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have? Answer: Real wisdom.

God asks: Why have my people aroused my anger with their worthless foreign idols? Answer: Because you’re quick to anger. Why are you so easily angered over nothing?

He asks: Who has ever heard anything like this? Answer: What, idolatry? Anyone who’s read the Bible.

God asks: He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me? Answer: No, someone who knew how you treat the poor wouldn’t do that, unless they rejected you.

He asks: What prophet has stood in the council of the Lord to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? Answer: No one ever has.

Then he asks: Am I only a God nearby, and not a God far away? Answer: You’re not even a God nearby.

And he asks: Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Answer: Adam, Eve, David, Jonah, dead people, sinners, people in houses…

He asks: Is not my word like fire, and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces? Answer: Does your word cause a lot of destruction? I guess so.

God asks: Is anything too hard for me? Answer: Apparently. The Bible mentions God failing at a lot of things.

He asks: Who is like me and who can challenge me? Answer: Satan is like you, and he, Job, Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, Hezekiah, and a Canaanite woman can challenge you.

God’s other questions

God asks: Is Israel a servant, a slave by birth? Implied answer: No. Alternative biblical answer: Yeah, kinda. And in this very chapter you act like they’re supposed to be your slaves!

He asks: Who can restrain a female camel or wild donkey in heat? Implied answer: No one. Alternative biblical answer: Humans.

Then he asks: Why do my people say “We are free to roam; we will come to you no more”? Answer: Why wouldn’t they be free? Do you think they should be slaves or not? Make up your mind.

And he asks: Does a young woman forget her jewelry, a bride her wedding ornaments? Implied answer: No, people never change how they feel about who they married. Real answer: Yes, of course people sometimes change how they feel about who they married.

God asks: If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him and marries another man, should he return to her again? Answer: If she and her new husband don’t mind, sure. I mean, unless it’s illegal.

Then he asks: In that scenario, wouldn’t the land be completely defiled? Answer: Uh… no? What a bizarre question.

God asks: Should I not punish them for this? Answer: Absolutely not. You should never punish anyone for anything. Punishment is a questionable practice even when done by humans. And if you’re an all-powerful God, there are definitely always better options. There is no excuse for inflicting harm on people if you’re God.

And he asks: Should I not avenge myself on such a nation as this? Answer: Nothing humans do has any effect on you, which means you are not the victim. So no, you do not ever need to avenge yourself.

God asks: When people fall down, do they not get up? When someone turns away, do they not return? Implied answer: Always. Real answer: Sometimes.

He asks: See, I will refine and test them, for what else can I do because of the sin of my people? Answer: You’re God. You have unlimited options.

God asks: If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? Answer: By riding a horse.

He asks: Does the snow of Lebanon ever vanish from its rocky slopes? Do its cool waters from distant sources ever stop flowing? Implied answer: No. Real answer: Yes.

And he asks: What has straw to do with grain? Answer: They’re both part of the same plant.

God asks: Can a man bear children? Answer: Not in the usual sense of the word “bear” in that context.

He asks: Their leader will be one of their own; their ruler will arise from among them. I will bring him near and he will come close to me—for who is he who will devote himself to be close to me? Answer: Their leader?

God asks: Was Israel caught among thieves, that you shake your head in scorn whenever you speak of her? Answer: According to the Bible, Israel did steal its land from the Canaanites, so the biblical answer is yes.

God asks the Ammonites: Why do you boast of your valleys so fruitful? Answer: Because their valleys are so fruitful.

Jeremiah’s questions

Jeremiah asks the people of Judah: What are you doing, you devastated one? Answer: Dressing herself in scarlet, putting on jewels of gold, and highlighting her eyes with makeup, apparently.

Jeremiah asks God: Do not your eyes look for truth? Answer: No. If he already knows everything, he doesn’t need to look for the truth. Or maybe you meant: Does he want people to believe the truth? The answer is still no. God actually wants people to believe a lie.

Jeremiah asks: To whom can I speak and give warning? Who will listen to me? Their ears are closed so they cannot hear. Answer: I guess you’ll have to find some people other than the ones God told Isaiah to command not to listen.

He asks: If there is a balm and a physician in Gilead, then why is there no healing for the wound of my people? Answer: Because it’s a metaphor.

Then he asks: Who is wise enough to understand why the land has been ruined and laid waste like a desert that no one can cross? Who has been instructed by the Lord and can explain it? Answer: Jeremiah writes God’s explanation after this, so Jeremiah must be the one who can explain it.

Jeremiah asks God: Who should not fear you? Answer: People who insult Jesus?

Jeremiah asks: Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all the faithless live at ease? God’s “answer”: This is nothing; just wait till you see how much more evil I’m about to allow and cause. Real answer: Because there’s no God. Alternative biblical answer: Because God approves of wickedness.

Jeremiah asks God: Have you rejected Judah completely? Biblical answer: He certainly has, and also no, he would never do that.

And he asks him: Do you despise Zion? Biblical answer: He certainly does, and also no, he doesn’t despise anyone.

Jeremiah asks: Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Answer: No, there is no god that can bring rain.

And he asks: Do the skies themselves send down showers? Implied answer: No, duh. Real answer: Yes, duh.

Jeremiah asks: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Answer: Certainly not you, if you think the heart has anything to do with deception.

He asks: Why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame? Answer: To see trouble and sorrow, and to end your days in shame.

Then he asks: Is this man Jehoiachin a despised, broken pot, an object no one wants? Answer: No, but your God doesn’t seem to know the difference between humans and pottery. And that’s how you know that your God’s opinions on morality are worthless.

Jeremiah asks the king of Judah: Why will you and your people die by the sword, famine, and plague with which the Lord has threatened any nation that will not serve the king of Babylon? Answer: They won’t, because they will serve the king of Babylon.

Questions from Lamentations

The author of Lamentations imagines the people of Judah asking: Is any suffering like my suffering that was inflicted on me, that the Lord brought on me in the day of his fierce anger? Answer: Probably.

Jeremiah, or whoever wrote Lamentations, probably not actually Jeremiah, but let’s just call him Jeremiah… asks Jerusalem: What can I say for you? Answer: You can say the things you were just saying, apparently.

He asks: With what can I compare you, Daughter Jerusalem? Answer: A daughter, apparently.

And he asks Jerusalem: Who can heal you? Answer: Cyrus?

Jeremiah asks God: Whom have you ever treated like this? Answer: Israel. Forcing his people to eat their children is nothing new for God.

He asks: Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? Should priest and prophet be killed in the sanctuary of the Lord? Answer: No. Therefore, what God is doing is wrong.

Jeremiah asks: To crush underfoot all prisoners in the land, to deny people their rights before the Most High, to deprive them of justice—would not the Lord see such things? Answer: And stop or punish the person doing them, you mean? From what you’ve been saying, it sounds more like those are things that God would do himself, not things he would prevent.

He asks: Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Answer: Anyone can. Unless free will doesn’t exist.

Then he asks: Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? Answer: God, create disasters? Well, Paul says everything God has created is good. But what does Paul know?

And he asks: Why should the living complain when punished for their sins? Answer: Because God’s punishments are often disproportionate, and some “sins” aren’t even actually bad.

Jeremiah asks God: Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Answer: Because your people always inevitably fail to follow all of God’s impossibly burdensome rules.

To be continued…