All about angels and demons

This is a summary of everything the Bible has to say about angels and demons.

What are angels?

Angels are spirits and flames.

How many are there?

There are at least a hundred million of them. There might even be one for every human.1

Does that number ever change?

Angels never die. That’s why God told a cherub he was mortal. Angels have existed longer than the earth. They don’t get married, which some might take to mean they don’t reproduce. And no, the Bible does not say humans can become angels when they die. It just says we will be like angels.

Where do they live?

Angels live in heaven with God. But they can travel back and forth between heaven and earth. They take the stairs.

What do they eat?

Sometimes angels refuse to eat humans’ food. And sometimes they don’t. Normally they eat manna, the bread of heaven.

What are their powers?

Angels are stronger than humans. That’s why it takes two of them to overcome one man.2 Angels can fly,3 and sometimes they give God a ride.4 They can also stand on water. They have their own language(s) that most humans can’t understand, which is kind of strange considering what their main job is.

What’s their job?

Angels deliver messages from God to humans. They also do other things for God, like imprisoning the devil, taking people to heaven or hell, protecting people, freeing people, disabling people, torturing people, killing people, and destroying the world.

Are they good or evil?

Angels have a good sense of morality, and like to see people repent. But that doesn’t necessarily mean angels behave morally. When angels sin, God sends them straight to hell. That’s why there are going to be evil angels running loose in heaven.

How intelligent are they?

Angels are very wise, and they know a lot. They don’t know everything though, so sometimes they might make mistakes. But God trusts them anyway. A guardian cherub apparently once ruled the city of Tyre as king, and he was very wise, but there have been humans who were wiser.

Are they superior to humans?

Humans are a little “lower” than angels, but Jesus is superior to the angels. But even Jesus was lower than the angels when he was a human. In the future, superhuman Jesus will take orders from angels, and the angels will be judged by humans.

Are they gods?

Not all of them, but at least one angel might be. The Bible doesn’t really make much of a distinction between God and this one angel called “the angel of the Lord“, so maybe they’re one and the same? It does call God an angel a couple of times. Usually angels don’t want to be worshiped, because they are mere servants of God, not gods. But angels don’t always object to people bowing down to them.

What do they look like?

The Bible usually describes angels as looking like men. Very awesome young men who glow brightly and wear shiny white clothes. Though sometimes they wear clouds and fire and rainbows and stuff instead. They can have up to six wings. Angels can pass for humans when they want to.

Do different kinds of angels look different?

Yes, cherubim look very different. They are fiery creatures with up to four faces (mostly the faces of animals) all around their heads so they never have to turn around. They have at least four wings with hands, gleaming calf-feet, and eyes all over their bodies. They also have big, sparkly, eye-covered, intersecting wheels next to them that move along with them.

What about demons? What are they?

Demons are evil spirits; the devil’s angels.

What’s their job?

God sends them to torment people.

I thought you said they work for the devil.

Yes, and Jesus will torture those tormentors in hell one day.

So where are they living now?

I don’t know, Babylon?

What do they look like?

Frogs.

Are they gods?

According to Paul, pagan gods are demons, so… yes?

What are their powers?

Demons can perform miraculous signs, but they can’t cure the blind. They can also possess people and animals and make them blind, mute, crippled, rabid, epileptic, insane, paranoid, delusional, deceptive, selfish, strong, violent, murderous, suicidal, or precognitive.

That sounds bad. I think. How do you get rid of them?

You can drive them away by praying, touching their victims with things that Paul touched, playing the lyre, or talking to them.

Do you have to be a Christian?

No, that’s not necessary. Being a follower of Jesus actually seems to make it harder to drive out demons.

How about if you’re a Satanist?

Uh, no, that won’t help either. It’s not in Satan’s interest to help you drive out demons.

Okay, I’ll just make sure to start playing the lyre next time I meet a strong paranoid psychic.

Wait! If you drive demons away, they’ll just come back later and bring all their friends with them, making their victims worse off than before. So I think it’s better to leave them alone.

How is making their victims worse off not in Satan’s interest?

Because evil spirits aren’t on his side. Evil spirits acknowledge that Jesus is Lord, which proves that, as I said before, the evil spirits are from God. The evil spirits are born of God. The evil spirits are speaking by the Holy Spirit. God lives in the evil spirits and the evil spirits live in God. The evil spirits have overcome the world. Jesus will acknowledge the evil spirits and welcome them into heaven.

Is that why being a Christian doesn’t help you drive out demons?

That would explain it. Jesus is God, and God is the one who sends demons to torment people in the first place. How can Jesus drive out Jesus? If God opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand; his end has come.

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