Monthly Archives: June 2024

Will the door be opened for everyone who knocks?

Contradictions, , ,

Jesus says you just have to knock, and the door will be opened for you. Because just as everyone who asks receives, the door will be opened to the one who knocks.

It worked for Peter… eventually. He had to knock an awfully long time, though. The servant who went to answer the door ran back without opening it, and tried to convince the others that Peter was there, but they couldn’t believe it because Peter was supposed to be in prison. But he kept knocking, and after a while they did open the door for him.

Jesus didn’t tell us it would take so long for the door to be opened. Why didn’t he specify how long you might have to knock, so people wouldn’t think he was wrong and give up? Because Jesus was wrong. He said so himself:

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 5: Answers to questions in the reigns of David and Solomon

The bad book

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions in the stories from when David, and then his son Solomon, ruled over all Israel.

Saul’s cousin asks David’s nephew: Why should I strike you down? Answer: You shouldn’t.

Saul’s son asks Saul’s cousin: Why did you sleep with my father’s girlfriend? Answer: Why not? Your father is dead.

David’s other nephew, Joab, asks him: What have you done? Answer: Things David had done in that chapter include waging war against the people he promised not to kill, having children with a bunch of women we’ve never heard of before, and demanding that Abner do him a favor before he’ll allow Abner to do him another favor.

Joab asks him: Why did you let Abner go? Answer: So Abner could continue to help him become king of Israel.

Mephibosheth asks David: What am I, that you should notice a dead dog like me? Answer: A dead dog, apparently. And David is a worm, so maybe he intends to eat the dead dog?

The Ammonite commanders ask their new king: Do you think David is honoring your father by sending envoys to you to express sympathy? Answer: Yes, he thinks that. Also, it’s true.

They ask: Hasn’t David sent them to you only to explore the city and spy it out and overthrow it? Answer: No.

Uriah asks: With the ark of the covenant and the men of Israel currently in tents, how could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? Answer: Well, you’re already eating and drinking at the palace, so that part clearly isn’t a problem for you…

David’s attendants ask: How can we now tell him his child is dead? Answer: By answering his question when he asks if his child is dead.

When David abruptly stops mourning as soon as he finds out his child is dead, they ask him: Why are you acting this way? Answer: Because he thinks he can manipulate God.

A woman asks David: Why then have you done this? When you side against people trying to kill my son, do you not convict yourself, since you have not brought back your own banished son? Answer: No, David never tried to kill his son like the people he condemned in the woman’s story, so no hypocrisy here.

Absalom tells Joab that he had told Joab to ask David: Why have I come from Geshur? Answer: Because Joab wanted you to. Ask him, not David.

Abishai asks: Shouldn’t Shimei be put to death for cursing David? Answer: For speaking? Of course not.

Barzillai asks David: Why should I be an added burden to you? Answer: Because David was a burden to you?

He asks: Why should the king reward me in this way? Answer: Because you provided for him.

The men of Israel ask: Why did the men of Judah steal the king away? Answer: Nobody’s taking your king away. David is still king of Israel. Which isn’t even separate from Judah at this time anyway.

When David tells Joab to count the men of Israel, Joab asks: Why do you want to do such a thing? Answer: So he’ll know how many there are. Also because God told him to.

The prophet Nathan says God asks: Did I ever say to any leader of my people, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?” Answer: Well, Nathan had just told David that God wanted him to do that. So either the answer is yes, or Nathan is a false prophet and should be killed.

God imagines future people asking: Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple? Answer: Because he was so bad at demonstrating his existence and superiority that the people decided they might as well be worshiping worthless idols.

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Did the Jews think God was their only father?

Contradictions,

In John 8, Jesus talks to some Jews, who are on his side at the beginning of the conversation. But then he starts making outrageous unfounded accusations against them, and before long they think Jesus is demon-possessed and should be stoned to death.

During that conversation, Jesus mentions these Jews doing what their father has told them. They respond that Abraham is their father. When Jesus disagrees, the Jews now insist that God is the only father they have. (Which they think somehow shows that they’re not illegitimate children.) Jesus doesn’t agree with that either, and insists the devil is their father. But forget about what Jesus thinks… How can the Jews say God is their only father, when they just said Abraham is their father?

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The Story of Jonah and the Fish—
It was This Big!

Bible stories, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

God told a prophet named Jonah to go to the Assyrian city of Nineveh and announce that it would be destroyed soon. But Jonah knew God well enough to know that he wouldn’t actually do what he said he would do. Jonah didn’t think it would be right to deliver a false prophecy, so he ran away from God and hid on a ship that was going somewhere else.1

But God sent a storm, which nearly wrecked the ship. The sailors found out that Jonah had angered his God and brought a storm on their ship. So Jonah suggested they throw him overboard, to divert God’s wrath away from the ship. But the sailors didn’t want to kill him. They tried to sail back and return him to land, so he could resume his mission.

But God liked Jonah’s idea better, so he made the storm worse and prevented them from getting back to land. So the sailors reluctantly threw Jonah overboard, and the storm stopped. God sent a huge fish, which swallowed Jonah and then threw him up on land three days later.

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It was This Big! →
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Is prostitution acceptable?

Contradictions,

No.

The Bible doesn’t actually contain a law banning all prostitution, but it does tend to be disapproving of it.

When Judah found out that his daughter-in-law was “guilty of prostitution”, he thought she should be burned to death. And Paul thinks Christians should never be “united” with prostitutes.

What does God think of prostitution? He seems to disapprove of his people visiting the houses of prostitutes. He seems to think prostitution is a shameful practice, a horrible thing that defiles Israel. God said prostitution was leading his people astray and would cause them not to flourish. He said he was against someone because by being a prostitute, she had somehow enslaved nations and caused huge wars. The Bible implies that male shrine prostitution was one of the “detestable practices” that provoked God to try to wipe out the native inhabitants of Canaan.

Kings who expelled the male shrine prostitutes from the land were doing what was right in God’s eyes. God punished Jehoram for leading the people to “prostitute themselves”, though it’s not clear whether that’s literal or a metaphor for idolatry.

God had his prophets tell several allegorical stories portraying his people as a prostitute. He describes her prostitution as a wicked act of rebellion. He doesn’t want his wife back after she becomes a prostitute. God punishes the land when she defiles it with her prostitution and wickedness, and he thinks she ought to be ashamed. He also disapproves of her killing his children, but just the prostitution would have been bad enough.

And then there’s Ezekiel 23, where Israel and Judah are both prostitutes, which God thinks is depraved, defiling, disgusting, and shameful. So he hands them over to be stripped, mutilated, and killed, in order to put a stop to their prostitution.

So it sure sounds like God hates prostitution, though it’s possible he just hates idolatry, which is what those parables are really about. That’s a problem with a lot of these passages. It’s hard to tell whether the Bible is really talking about prostitution or not, since it so often either uses it metaphorically, or conflates it with other behaviors like adultery.

Anyway, God also has a few laws on the subject of prostitution. He never completely outlaws it, but he does have some laws concerning more specific scenarios:

Yes.

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