The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from Paul’s letters to the Corinthians.

Paul asks: Is Christ divided? (Implied answer: No.) Alternative biblical answer: Yes, he has people break his body before they eat it.

He asks: Was Paul crucified for you? Answer: No, I think he was beheaded.

And he asks: Where is the philosopher of this age? Answer: Athens.

Paul asks: Who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? (Implied answer: No one.) Alternative biblical answer: God, Samuel, Daniel, Jesus, and birds.

Paul asks: Am I not free? Answer: Not for much longer.

He asks: Am I not an apostle? Answer: In the broad, literal sense of the word, I suppose.

Then he asks: Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Answer: Yes, you have not.

Paul asks: If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? Answer: If it had a sense of hearing, it would be in the eye. But it probably wouldn’t have one.

Paul asks: If it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? Answer: Because the preachers were wrong.

He asks: If there is no resurrection, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? Answer: They’ll continue doing what they’ve been doing, because they think there is a resurrection.

Then he asks: If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized for them? Answer: Because people think the dead are raised.

And he asks: As for us, why do we endanger ourselves every hour? Answer: Because you think the dead are raised.

Paul asks: Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Answer: Yes, you are. You sure like to do that a lot.

Paul asks: What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Answer: If Christ is God and Belial is Satan, they actually have quite a lot in common. Jesus and Satan both try to prevent people from believing and being saved, they both encourage people to needlessly do dangerous things that will probably get them killed, they both tell people to hate their brothers and sisters… They also sort of have the name Lucifer in common, except the Bible doesn’t call Satan that; it just calls Jesus that.

He asks: Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? Answer: They both unbelieve most of the same things.

And he asks: What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? Answer: The temple of God was full of graven images.

Questions about the church

Paul asks his Corinthian followers: Are you not acting like mere humans? For when one says “I follow Paul” and another “I follow Apollos”, are you not mere human beings? Answer: …Yeah? What did you expect them to be??

He asks: What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Answer: The same thing you just criticized your followers for being?

Paul asks the Corinthians: Who makes you different from anyone else? Answer: Well, I know what makes them different from everyone else: The Corinthians know everything! And they have everything they want! Apparently God/Jesus was who caused them to be different in the first way. I don’t know who caused them to be different from everyone else in the second way, though.

He asks the Corinthians: What do you have that you did not receive? Answer: Skills, I would expect.

He asks them: And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? Answer: If they did receive what, the thing they didn’t receive? Your question is incoherent.

He asks his followers: Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? Answer: It’s possible. You should know; you’re the one promoting foolishness.

He asks: Do all believers work miracles? (Implied answer: No.) Alternative biblical answer: Yes they do, unless Jesus is a liar.

Questions about morality

Paul asks his followers: Shouldn’t you have gone into mourning and have put out of your fellowship the man who has been sleeping with his father’s wife? Answer: Only if his father’s wife didn’t want him to, or if his father didn’t want him to, or if this “father’s wife” is actually the man’s mother. Otherwise, let them do what they want.

He asks his followers: Are you not to judge those inside the church? (Implied answer: Yes.) Alternative biblical answer: No.

Paul asks: Do you not know that we will judge angels? Answer: I’ve never heard of such a thing except from this verse.

Paul asks his followers: If you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? Answer: Apparently.

He asks: The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Answer: I can’t believe I have to answer this for you. In fact, I’m not going to bother giving you the real answer. Since God’s kingdom is all you care about, I’ll give you an answer in terms of that, instead:

You say wrongdoers and swindlers won’t enter the kingdom. So if you take legal action to discourage people from doing wrong and swindling, then more people will end up in the kingdom.

Paul asks: How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (Implied answer: You can’t know, so you probably shouldn’t marry non-Christians in the first place.) Alternative biblical answer: You can know by reading Acts 16:31 and 1 Corinthians 7:14.

He asks: If someone with a weak conscience sees you, with all your knowledge, eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed to idols? Answer: Yes, and as you just got through explaining, that’s not a problem.

After claiming that he has a right to not work and to get paid anyway because workers always get paid, Paul asks: Do I say this merely on human authority? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Doesn’t the Law say the same thing? Answer: No.

Then he asks: For it is written in the Law of Moses: “Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.” Is it about oxen that God is concerned? (Implied answer: No.) Real answer: Yes, obviously.

And he asks: Surely he says this for us, doesn’t he? Answer: For us, but not about us.

He asks: Why is my freedom being judged by another’s conscience? Answer: You tell me. You’re the one who just said you shouldn’t eat something because of another person’s faulty conscience.

Paul asks: Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Answer: Nah, that would be stupid. She should just keep her head uncovered and not pray.

He asks: Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? Answer: No, I’m pretty sure that’s more of a subjective cultural thing.

Questions about rights and repayment

Paul asks: Don’t we have the right to food and drink? (Implied answer: Yes.) Real answer: It depends on what you mean by “the right to food and drink”. You don’t have a right to be given free food and drink. That can’t be a right, because there would be no way to enforce such a right without violating the rights of others. But you do have a right to not be forcibly prevented from (non-forcibly) acquiring food and drink yourself.

Alternative answer based on Paul’s own views: If you have a right to not work, and if those who don’t work don’t have a right to eat, then no, I guess you don’t have a right to eat. Or at least, you can’t simultaneously enjoy both a right to not work and a right to eat. You have to pick one.

He asks: Or is it only I and Barnabas who lack the right to not work for a living? Answer: Well, I don’t think any authorities are going to stop you or anyone else from not working for a living. I don’t imagine you’ll live long if you choose to live that way, but you have the right to starve yourself, if that’s what you want.

Paul asks: Who serves as a soldier at his own expense? Answer: Someone who really wants to be a soldier, I guess.

He asks: Who plants a vineyard and does not eat its grapes? Who tends a flock and does not drink the milk? (Implied answer: No one.) Alternative biblical answer: People who disobey God. Real answer: Hired workers who get paid in money rather than in grapes or milk.

Paul asks his followers: If we have sown spiritual seed among you, is it too much if we reap a material harvest from you? Answer: Yep. You’ve provided nothing of value.

He asks his followers: If others have this right of support from you, shouldn’t we have it all the more? Answer: No.

Questions about tongues

Paul asks: Now, brothers and sisters, if I come to you and speak in tongues, what good will I be to you? (Paul’s answer: Speaking in tongues to the church would be pointless, because according to Paul, speaking in tongues means babbling in a way that no human can understand. Including yourself.) Alternative biblical answer: According to Acts, speaking in tongues is the useful ability to speak to people who don’t know your language. But in this case that would probably still be pointless, since everyone here speaks Greek.

He asks: Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the pipe or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes? Answer: By recognizing the rhythm?

He asks: If the trumpet does not sound a clear call, who will get ready for battle? Answer: Whoever already knew about the situation and told the trumpeter about it?

Then he asks: Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? Answer: They could be one of those gifted interpreters you mentioned.

Then he asks: So what shall I do? Answer: You could learn to speak some real languages.

And he asks: So if the whole church comes together and everyone speaks in tongues, and inquirers or unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind? Answer: Yep. So why did you just tell the church that that was what they should do?

To be continued…