Will everyone die?

Yes.

God says humans are mortal. When Joshua was very old and about to die, he said he was about to go the way of all the earth. Because dying is what everyone on earth does. Solomon says all come from dust and all return to dust, because death is the destiny of everyone. People are destined to die. Isaiah says all people are like grass that withers.

The Bible says all people are subject to death, because all people have sinned. No matter how rich you might be, no payment can ever be enough to redeem your life so that you can live forever. Isaiah suggests that even in the afterlife, people will still die. It will just take longer before they do.

Zephaniah says not only is everyone mortal, but one day everyone is going to die at the same time and leave no one alive! God is going to sweep away everything from the face of the earth, destroying all mankind. The whole earth will be consumed with fire, and God will make a sudden end of all who live on the earth.

No.

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Bad advice in the Bible

If you’re looking for good advice, I don’t recommend consulting the Bible. Just like the Bible’s rules, the Bible’s advice is unbelievably bad.

When God first created humans, he announced that he was giving them “every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth” to be their food. Even though a lot of them are poisonous.

Solomon (supposedly the wisest person ever) claims that the prudent keep their knowledge to themselves. But that’s obviously not always a good idea. Would Esther have been more prudent to keep her knowledge of Haman’s plans to herself, instead of telling the king so he could stop Haman from getting all the Jews killed?

The rich king Solomon also says you should never say, or even think, anything negative about the king, or about the rich. Because they will find out about your thought crimes, because apparently they have mind-reading birds spying on you.

Solomon claims that it pleases the eyes to see the sun. He fails to mention that looking at the sun actually makes your eyes hurt, and that anything more than a brief glimpse is likely to damage your eyes.

One saying of the “wise” says you shouldn’t build a house until you’re finished with all your outdoor work, getting your fields ready. As if building a house so you have somewhere to live is supposed to be a low-priority luxury or something.

Jesus has some horrible advice about what to do when you’ve sinned. He thinks you should just cut off whichever part of your body “causes you to sin”. He claims you’ll be better off if you gouge out your own eyes and cut off your own hands. Because apparently you can’t go to heaven otherwise. Though apparently when you’re living in heaven, you’ll still be missing whatever body parts you cut off. Anyway, Solomon says sinners don’t know what makes them stumble, so luckily it’s not really possible to follow Jesus’s advice here.

But Jesus has lots more bad advice! He says it doesn’t matter what you put in your mouth, or whether you washed your hands first, because it’s just going to come back out of you. He thinks if you’re generous, that will magically make everything clean for you, so you’ll never need to wash your hands. Jesus also gives needlessly limiting advice to students, telling them that they can never become better than their teachers.

Jesus advises people to be like the good Samaritan, but neglects to mention the fact that seemingly needy strangers are often scammers, and some of them are dangerous violent criminals. Jesus doesn’t think you need to worry about that kind of thing, since people who have killed you can’t harm you any further, so you shouldn’t be afraid of being killed! And anyway, Jesus wants you to hate your life. And your family.

Paul says you should do everything without complaining or arguing, ignoring the fact that complaining and arguing are useful and important things to do. When there’s a problem, people need to identify it and point it out, so it can get solved. When there’s an objective disagreement, people need to discuss it, so that whoever has a false belief can stop having a false belief. Preventing these things from getting done is wrong.

But Paul insists that his followers need to be sheeple, completely agreeing with each other about everything, with no independent thought allowed. He says they all have to insist on going along with his own dumb ideas about slavery and stuff. And he claims that anyone who is so conceited and confused as to teach anything that disagrees with him must “have an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels” that can result in nothing but trouble.

More advice from the Bible: You’re no worse if you don’t eat, and no better if you do, so you might as well never eat. Welcome enemy spies and aid them in destroying your country, because you’ll get killed if you don’t. And don’t love anything in the world, because anyone who is a friend of the world is an enemy of God.

Irresponsible advice

When God created humans (and also again after the flood), he instructed them to increase in number, fill the earth, and subdue it. Overpopulate the world until it can no longer support you, so you can defeat the earth!

God told his people to take a year off from working in their fields every seven years, and also every 50 years. He assured them that he would make the land produce enough food in the sixth year to last for three years. Which is necessary because it will take around a year after they start planting again before the food planted in the eighth year will be ready.

But God didn’t think this through quite as well as he thinks he did. He didn’t realize that sometimes the next year after the 7th year will also be the 50th year. Then you’ll need to save up enough food for four years: the sixth (last normal year), seventh (Sabbath rest), eighth (Jubilee rest), and ninth years (while planting). But God will only provide enough to last you three years.

Solomon says it’s pointless to spend a lot of time working for food, because if God loves you, he will make sure you can afford to rest. Then he contradicts himself with an even less reasonable admonition. He says you should never get even a little sleep, or you’ll suddenly become poor. (This message is repeated several times in Proverbs.) Solomon also says the wise store up their food, while fools gulp theirs down. What’s so wise about keeping food lying around till it rots?

According to King Lemuel (whoever that is) and/or his mother, the proper use of beer and wine is to help poor suffering people forget about their situation. And Paul thinks wine is good for sick people. But I’m pretty sure drinking isn’t the best way to deal with your problems. If this book was really written by God, it would have better advice than that.

Jesus expects his followers to forgive any debts that people owe them, which is absurdly simple-minded. This would mean Christians who lend money will never get it back. So Christians are going to have to either lose all their money to the people who notice that Christians never insist on being repaid, or just refuse to ever lend money.

I guess the latter is more likely, since people who actually do what Jesus said won’t have any money to lend. Jesus requires his followers to sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor. Seems like it would be kind of hard to live if you’re not allowed to own anything, though.

Jesus thinks cleaning the inside of a cup somehow makes the outside clean too. And he apparently agrees with Solomon that people should never sleep. Jesus expects you to keep watch all day and night, every day, for the rest of your life, so your master won’t catch you sleeping when he returns. Because your master thinks it’s wrong for you to sleep at night, apparently.

Here’s some of the stupidest advice Jesus gave: Don’t bother doing any of the basic stuff you need to do to stay alive, because living is more important than living! Life is what matters, so don’t bother looking for food to preserve your life. Your body is what matters, so don’t bother looking for clothes to preserve your body.

Live like a dumb animal! Rely on whatever natural beauty you might have to somehow replace the protective function of clothing. Also, never plan ahead. Don’t save up money for the times when you’ll really need it. Just spend it all today.1

Paul thinks you should do what is right in the eyes of everyone. So if anyone thinks something is right, I should do it? That doesn’t sound like a very good reason to do things. This would be a dumb idea even if it was possible to please everyone.

Paul mistakenly believed the world was about to end, and he advised his followers to act accordingly. That means acting irresponsibly, living like there’s no tomorrow. For instance, Paul pressured poor people to donate more than they could afford. He expected his followers to look forward to the destruction of the earth, and to try to make it happen faster.

He also taught them that it was wrong to “think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh“. So don’t even think about getting food to eat! And definitely don’t think you can produce food by planting and watering. Don’t you know that only God can make things grow? Follow Paul’s example, and just ignore the fact that your body is wasting away. You were about to get a new one anyway!

When people are afraid, Isaiah’s solution is to tell them not to be. And in Revelation, Jesus sends a message to some Christians telling them they’re about to suffer and maybe die, but also telling them not to be afraid. Why should people not be afraid when these things are about to happen to them? And when Jesus isn’t even promising to protect them or anything?

I guess he just expects them to accept it for no good reason at all; in other words, to have faith. The Bible encourages you to embrace faith, and other irrational and anti-intellectual ways of thinking that are inherently opposed to truth.

Promoting ideas that will cause people to do wrong

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Had David killed Saul’s relatives against God’s will?

In 2 Samuel 16, Shimei accuses David of having murdered Saul’s relatives, and says God is punishing him for it. David makes no objection to this claim, and accepts that this message and curse are from God. But what Shimei claimed David had done is not at all what the Bible says actually happened.

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The Story of the Temptation of Jesus
The Devil is Surprisingly Bad at Making Deals

After he was baptized, Jesus started following the devil around for some reason. The devil suggested turning rocks into bread so that Jesus would have something to eat after fasting for 40 days. But Jesus didn’t think it was right to eat only bread, so he chose to eat nothing.

Continue reading The Story of the Temptation of Jesus
The Devil is Surprisingly Bad at Making Deals
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Should people envy?

No.

Envy leads to the death of the simple-minded people who indulge in it, at least according to Eliphaz.

One of the Ten Commandments is: You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor. Moses also warned the Israelites not to covet the Canaanite idols. When Achan coveted some of the plunder from Jericho and took it for himself, God refused to help Israel anymore until they killed Achan’s whole family. And when some other Israelites envied Moses’s authority, God made the earth open up and swallow them.

David says you shouldn’t be envious of those who do wrong. And Solomon says you shouldn’t envy the violent. He says envy rots your bones, and jealousy is worse than cruel and overwhelming anger. He says greed brings ruin to your whole household, and anyone who is eager to get rich will be punished with poverty. Asaph envied the wicked and arrogant when he saw how well-off they were, but he considered that a mistake. The wise will tell you not to let yourself envy sinners, because those people are going to die.

Isaiah says greed is sinful and enrages God. Jeremiah says people should be ashamed of their greed, and God will punish them for it. Ezekiel says God will judge people for wanting to take possession of countries. And Micah says God will inflict disaster on people who covet and seize fields and houses.

Jesus says envy is an evil thought that defiles people. And he warns people to be careful not to be greedy.

Paul says greed and envy are among the evils that people become filled with when they have depraved minds, and those people deserve death. People who get jealous are “acting like mere humans“, which is a bad thing, apparently. Paul says we should walk in the way of love, and love doesn’t envy. He says envy is a result of arguments from corrupt minds that understand nothing. People who live in envy are foolish and disobedient.

Paul says anyone who is greedy isn’t a real Christian, and can’t be part of the Christian community. Greedy, jealous, selfishly ambitious, and envious people can’t enter the kingdom of God, either. Paul says the greedy part of your nature must be put to death, before it brings on God’s wrath. Eagerness to gain money is a root of all kinds of evil, causing people to leave the faith and come to grief.

Paul instructed his followers to behave decently, as opposed to indulging in jealousy. He didn’t want there to be any jealousy among his followers. He told them not to envy each other, and not to be full of greed. It would be improper to have even a hint of greed among them.

James says envy and selfish ambition are demonic, and invariably go along with every other evil practice. He says violent fights are the result of covetous desires. And Peter tells his followers to rid themselves of all envy. He says experts in greed are accursed, and greedy false teachers will be destroyed.

Yes.

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Relative discrimination

Here’s what the Bible says about discrimination based on who you’re related to:

Pharaoh treated Abraham well because he had a beautiful sister who Pharaoh didn’t know was also Abraham’s wife.

God, Jesus, and Paul insist that you have to honor your parents, even though not all parents are honorable. Under God’s law, you could be cursed or even killed for saying bad things about your parents. According to the idiot who wrote Proverbs 30, your eyes will be pecked out by ravens and eaten by vultures if you ever scorn or mock your parents. And Jesus says it’s wrong to donate money to God instead of using it to help out your parents.

Members of a priest’s family can eat the food that people offer “to God”, but nobody else gets to. Even God doesn’t eat it.

God says you can’t treat your younger son like he’s your firstborn just because he’s the son of your favorite wife.

God told Gideon to kill all the Midianites, who were oppressing his people. But Gideon wouldn’t have killed the kings of Midian if they hadn’t killed Gideon’s brothers. Later, the author of Judges acts like the Israelites were wrong not to be loyal to the family of Gideon just because Gideon had done good things for them.

The people of the city of Shechem preferred to have just Abimelek rule over them rather than have all his brothers rule over them too, because Abimelek was the son of a woman from Shechem.

David wanted to be kind to Mephibosheth just because he was the son of David’s best friend. (He was also the grandson of David’s enemy.) David also wanted to be kind to the son of Nahash the Ammonite king just because Nahash had supposedly been kind to him.

A psalm says God will make people mighty because their parents like his commands. David thought God was going to show unfailing love to David’s descendants forever. He didn’t really do that, though. In fact, God said David’s descendants would never be safe from the sword, because of what David did.

Solomon says if you fear God, your children will be safe. And if you’re good, your children will be blessed, and your grandchildren will inherit money from you. God blesses or curses your whole household depending on how righteous you are. Solomon says a servant will end up being favored over a son, if the servant is more prudent than the son. And he claims that God will bless a whole land if its king is born to nobles.

God says if three righteous men lived in a sinful country, he would only spare those three men. He wouldn’t spare their children just for being related to the righteous men. He says he won’t spare a wicked man for having a righteous father, and he won’t kill a righteous man for having a wicked father.

Discriminating against someone’s relatives

You’re not allowed to enter God’s assembly if your ancestors ten generations ago were married when they weren’t allowed to be married.

If you don’t obey all of God’s laws, God will inflict extreme curses not just on you, but also on your children and all your descendants. And God will also get your fiance raped, and force you to eat your children.

Solomon says God curses the whole household of the wicked. Solomon also says you shouldn’t go to your relatives when you need help. He says it’s better to go to your friend, or your family’s friend. (At least if they don’t live too far away.)

Descendants of Caleb2 are stereotyped in the Bible as surly and mean. And the author of 2 Kings acts like you can’t be expected to be a good person if you’re related even by marriage to an evil person.

When David took a census because God told him to, God said he was going to punish David for that. But then he punished the rest of Israel for it instead. David pointed out that God was punishing the wrong people, and suggested that God should punish him and his family instead. Which makes a lot more sense than what God was doing, but it still doesn’t make any sense. Because David’s family hadn’t done anything wrong. (And also because David hadn’t done anything wrong, unless obeying God is wrong.)

David looked forward to seeing God wipe out all the descendants of his enemies. The sons of Korah wrote a song to try to get somebody’s daughter to forget about her family and her country.

God’s chosen king Jeroboam was evil, so God chose a new king for Israel. He had the new king kill all of Jeroboam’s relatives and slaves. Then God decided that king was evil too, so he did the same thing to the new king’s family. Later, God had Jehu do the same thing to King Ahab’s relatives and slaves,3 and then God punished Jehu’s family because Jehu had done what God told him to do.

God didn’t like Jehoiachin, so he declared that none of Jehoiachin’s offspring could ever prosper or reign over Judah.

God announced through the prophet Jeremiah that he had decided prophecy wouldn’t be allowed anymore. If anyone claimed to have a message from God, God would punish that person’s whole household.

The people in Jesus’s hometown somehow found the idea offensive that a member of a familiar family from their own town could be a wise miracle-working prophet. And Jesus said that’s how it always is; prophets are never honored by their relatives.

Jesus acts like if you’re a descendant of murderers, you might as well be a murderer yourself. He says you should never invite your relatives to dinner, only invite poor and disabled people. And he says people who don’t hate their families can’t be his disciples.

Matthew claims that the Jews volunteered to have their descendants take the blame for killing Jesus.

Paul says if your mother or grandmother is a widow and in need, you should be the one who has to help her. If you don’t provide for your relatives, you have “denied the faith”.

Against an unfavored person’s children

One of Noah’s sons accidentally saw him naked, so Noah cursed not his son, but his son’s son and all his descendants to be slaves forever.

All of Job’s children got killed just because they were related to the guy that God and Satan had decided to torment for no good reason.

The children of a fool are not safe from being cursed along with him, at least according to Eliphaz. Job said children will go blind if their parents are bribed to slander their friends, because God likes to punish the children of the wicked instead of actually punishing the wicked. Job said God also makes sure the children always go hungry and get killed with the sword. Not because they did anything wrong, but because their parents did. God confirmed that Job had spoken the truth about him.

Some men thought David would appreciate it if they murdered the innocent son of David’s enemy Saul. David did not approve, and he had those guys killed. But later, God withheld rain from his people for three years until almost all of the rest of the descendants of Saul had been killed, because of what Saul had done, not because of anything the descendants had done. And David was happy to go along with that.

David encouraged God to not just punish the wicked, but also punish their little children. He wanted his enemy’s children to be beggars who no one would take pity on. And somebody else wrote a song about how great it would be to smash his oppressor’s babies against the rocks.

God said he wouldn’t love his wife’s children because of what his wife did. And God killed somebody’s children just because Joshua had said whoever rebuilt Jericho would lose his oldest and youngest children. God doesn’t like it when people say he punishes people for what their parents did, even though he does do that.

After some men tricked a king into having Daniel thrown into the lions’ den, the king had those men and their wives and children thrown into the lions’ den.

In one of Jesus’ parables, the character representing God was going to have a man and his wife and children enslaved to pay for the man’s debt.

Discriminating against people who aren’t related to someone

When God drowned nearly everyone in the world, he decided to keep a few people alive just because they were part of righteous Noah’s family. It never says those family members who weren’t Noah were righteous. So given what it does say, I’ll have to assume they were evil.

Abraham said he didn’t want to quarrel with Lot because they were close relatives. If that’s his reason, I guess he would have been fine with quarreling with him if they hadn’t been close relatives.

The angels God sent to Sodom were going to spare Lot’s wife and sons-in-law, and did spare Lot’s daughters, even though Lot was the only righteous person there. Or at least Peter thinks he was, but even Lot wasn’t actually a good person. God only spared him because he was Abraham’s cousin.

Abraham insisted that his son marry one of his relatives. Samson’s parents also would have preferred him to marry one of his own relatives.

When Jacob thought Esau and his men were coming to attack him and his family, he took his family with him and went to confront Esau. But he put his servant-wives and their children in front, and his favorite wife and her son safely in back.

God made rules that anyone who approached his sanctuary or offered him incense would be killed, unless they were part of Aaron’s family. (Not that being sons of Aaron helped much…) Everybody acted like good king Uzziah was doing something terribly wrong when he made an incense offering to God, because he wasn’t a descendant of Aaron.

God told the descendants of Jacob not to get into a war with the Edomites, who were the descendants of Jacob’s brother Esau. And he told them not to steal anything from them. They weren’t even allowed to despise an Edomite. But everybody else in Caanan, he wanted them to plunder and kill.

There’s an oddly specific biblical law that says you can’t cook a young goat in its mother’s milk. There’s no rule against cooking a young goat in an unrelated goat’s milk,4 but don’t do it to the young of the goat you got the milk from!

God’s law says only the brother of a dead man can marry the dead man’s widow. Boaz couldn’t marry Ruth until he had made sure that no one more closely related to her dead husband wanted to marry her.

The Israelites killed almost everyone in Jericho, but they spared the family of the prostitute who had helped their spies by lying. Jephthah’s half-brothers drove him away and said he wouldn’t get any inheritance, because he wasn’t a son of their father’s wife.

Asaph says God says to a wicked person that the wicked person is wrong to slander his own brother. He makes it sound like the fact that it’s his brother makes it worse, so I guess God would prefer people to only slander unrelated people.

Solomon says even the relatives of the poor shun them, but the mere friends of the poor avoid them even more. Solomon’s favorite girlfriend thinks only siblings can kiss in public without being despised.

A woman complained that she and another woman had agreed to eat both of their sons, but after they ate her son, the other woman hid her own son so they didn’t get to eat him.

God says a priest isn’t allowed to defile himself by being near a dead person, unless it’s a dead family member. Then it’s fine for him to defile himself.

Jesus says the children of kings don’t have to pay taxes.

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Does everyone who loves others fulfill the law?

Paul states that whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. He goes on to explain that what he’s saying is that what all the commandments amount to is loving people. And that’s why love is the fulfillment of the law. 1 John says that to love God is to keep his commands. And it also says everyone who loves others has been born of God, and that means they can’t sin anymore. So let’s look at a few examples of people in the Bible who loved others.

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The Story of John the Baptist
Too Many Herods!

John the Baptist, a relative of Jesus, was in the wilderness of Judea, baptizing and insulting people. People thought he was demon-possessed. He made people get in the river, even though it’s possible to be baptized without getting wet at all.

Jesus (now grown up) came to the river where John was baptizing. John thought Jesus should be the one baptizing him, because he thought Jesus was greater than him. But Jesus wasn’t actually any greater than John, so Jesus had John baptize him instead.

Then John was put in prison for claiming that it was against the law for King Herod‘s son Herod to marry his niece Herodias after she divorced his brother Herod Philip. Herod and his wife Herodias both wanted to kill John, but Herod was hesitant to kill someone who was thought of as a prophet.

On Herod’s birthday, Herodias got her sexy daughter to help her convince Herod to have John beheaded immediately. Herod was very distressed at the thought of having to kill the man he wanted to kill. But he did it anyway, because he had promised to give his hot stepdaughter/niece whatever she asked for.

(Herodias’s daughter married Herod’s other brother who was also named Herod Philip. And later, she married the son of one of Herodias’s two brothers who were named Herod. Herodias’s other brother, Herod Agrippa, later persecuted the disciples of Jesus, and then an angel killed him for failing to point out that he wasn’t a god. Herod Agrippa’s son was… Herod Agrippa, who met the “apostle” Paul.)

Continue reading The Story of John the Baptist
Too Many Herods!
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What was Joseph’s position relative to Pharaoh?

After Joseph gave Pharaoh explanations for his dreams, Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of his palace. And Pharaoh declared that all the Egyptians would have to submit to Joseph’s orders. But that doesn’t mean Joseph would be above even Pharaoh, does it?

Since Pharaoh was still the king, Pharaoh would still be greater than Joseph. Joseph was second-in-command. Joseph still had to ask Pharaoh for permission to leave the country temporarily. He couldn’t even easily speak to Pharaoh in person.

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God has no excuse for punishing people

When the Bible describes God “punishing” people, most of the time he’s actually harming innocent people instead of the person who actually did something wrong. But even when he does manage to target the right person, is it right for him to be harming people?

If you’re going to be inflicting harm on people, you’d better have a very good reason to do it. There are several purposes that punishment is meant to accomplish, that are said to justify the practice of punishing people. But those justifications are questionable, and particularly if you’re God, none of the justifications apply. God has no excuse for ever punishing anyone.

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