Category Archives: The bad book

Does every firstborn male belong to God?

Contradictions,

Yes.

When God killed the firstborn of the Egyptians, he decided that the firstborn of the Israelites would be set apart to be his. So God commanded his people to consecrate every firstborn male to him. He said the first son of every female animal or human in Israel belongs to him. You can never choose to dedicate a firstborn animal to God, because the firstborn already belongs to God by default.

That means the people have to give all their firstborn males over to God. You must give him the firstborn of your sons, doing the same thing you do with the firstborn among your livestock: They can only stay with their mothers for seven days, then you hand them over to God. They are to be set apart and never put to work the way others would be. This is how God decided it will be, therefore this is how it will be forever, and it can never be changed.

No.

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Who chose Saul?

Contradictions

The Bible says God is always the one who establishes who the authorities are. So naturally it was God who sent Saul to the prophet Samuel to be anointed king of Israel. When Samuel privately anointed Saul, he said it was God’s doing. After that, Samuel publicly cast lots as a way of letting God choose a king. They brought out Saul after he was chosen by lot, and Samuel described him as “the man the Lord has chosen“.

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The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

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Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.1 After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms →
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Did God allow a census of Israel?

Contradictions, , ,

The Bible says when David took a census of Israel, that was Satan’s idea. Joab couldn’t believe David wanted to do such a repulsive thing, and he only helped because he had to. David was conscience-stricken afterward, and believed he had done a very foolish thing and sinned greatly. And God agreed that there would have to be a severe punishment for this evil act.

But the Bible also says that census was God’s idea! David was just doing what God wanted him to do, as he always did, so why would God have a problem with that? There was never any law against taking a census. On the contrary, God had commanded his chosen leaders to take a census of Israel multiple times in the past, and it was not a problem. God had also made laws about how to do it properly, which implies that taking a census was going to be a regular occurrence.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 9: Answers to questions in Psalms

The bad book

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the Psalms.

A king asks: Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? Answer: It probably has something to do with how tyrannical you and your God are being.

Someone asks God: Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Answer: Because he doesn’t exist.

He asks: Why does the wicked man revile God? Answer: Because God’s even more wicked?

And he asks: Why does he say to himself, “He won’t call me to account”? Answer: Experience?

Ethan the Ezrahite asks: Who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? Answer: Does Satan count? He and God have a lot in common.

Ethan asks: How long, Lord? Will you hide yourself forever? Answer: Yes, God never listens to humans. Other than that one time.

He asks: Who can live and not see death, or who can escape the power of the grave? Answer: Enoch and Melchizadek and Elijah.

He asks God: Where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David? Answer: He broke his promise to David, but what’s it to you, Ethan?

Moses asks: How long will it be? Answer: How long will what be? How long will our lives be limited to around 70 or 80 years? It’s still about like that over 3000 years later. Maybe we’ll be able to do something about that eventually, but not by waiting around for God to do something.

Someone asks some fools: When will you become wise? Answer: The Bible claims it’s impossible, but the Bible’s wrong, as usual.

He asks: Does he who fashioned the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see? Answer: The blind watchmaker does not hear or see.

Then he asks: Does he who disciplines nations not punish? Answer: Judging by what the Bible says about God, it seems like he mainly just punishes people who don’t deserve to be punished.

And he asks: Does he who teaches mankind lack knowledge? Answer: Yes.

He asks: Can a corrupt throne be allied with you—a throne that brings on misery by its decrees? Answer: You mean evil kings like David? Apparently yes.

Someone asks: Had the Egyptians not rebelled against God’s words in Moses’s time? Answer: No, the Egyptians had done exactly what God made them do.

Someone asks: Why was it, sea, that you fled? Why, Jordan, did you turn back? Why, mountains, did you leap like rams, you hills, like lambs? Answer: Because your author is insane?

Someone asks: Why do the nations say, “Where is their God?” Answer: Because you don’t use idols to represent your god, like they’re used to.

Someone asks: How long must your servant wait? When will you punish my persecutors? Answer: Never.

Someone asks: What will he do to you, and what more besides, you deceitful tongue? Answer: He won’t do any more to you than what he does to you, you deceitful tongue.

Someone asks: Where does my help come from? Answer: Helpful people.

Someone asks God: If you kept a record of sins, who could stand? Answer: Poor people who hate their unpleasant lives, but still dress right and get places on time. And rich people with lots of friends. And people who live with Christians, but don’t care about evil, and then get destroyed by Satan. And whoever else God randomly decided he wanted to save.

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Does the Law give you freedom?

Contradictions

Yes.

The longest chapter in the Bible is all about how great somebody thinks God’s Law is. One of the things he says about it is that he can walk about in freedom as a result of always seeking and obeying the law.

Paul says being under the law kills you… but dying frees you from the law. So the law does give you freedom. From itself. Paul also says the law of the Spirit sets you free from the law of death. That seems to contradict what he said about the law killing you, unless “the law of the Spirit” is something different from the Law from God that he was talking about before… but either way, he is still saying the law frees you. And James too says the law gives freedom if you follow it.

No.

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Did Satan tell Jesus to jump off the temple before or after he told him to worship him?

Contradictions, , , ,

The gospel of Matthew has Satan take Jesus to the temple roof and challenge him to jump off. Then it has him take Jesus to a mountain and offer him the world in exchange for worshiping him.

The gospel of Luke has Satan take Jesus to a mountain and offer him the world in exchange for worshiping him. Then it has him take Jesus to the temple roof and challenge him to jump off.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 8: Answers to questions for Job

The bad book,

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions that Job was asked.

Eliphaz’s questions

Eliphaz asks Job: If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? Answer: Yes. I don’t know why people think of Job as patient.

Eliphaz asks: But who can keep from speaking? Answer: Elihu can, for a while anyway.

Eliphaz asks Job: Should not your piety be your confidence and your blameless ways your hope? Answer: Apparently not. They clearly didn’t do him any good.

Eliphaz asks: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Answer: Who hasn’t?

And he asks: Where were the upright ever destroyed? Answer: On Earth.

He asks: Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can even a strong man be more pure than his Maker? Answer: lol that doesn’t sound hard

Eliphaz asks Job: Call if you will, but who will answer you? Answer: God will. Sort of. Eventually.

Eliphaz asks Job: Are you the first man ever born? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Were you brought forth before the hills? Answer: No.

He asks Job: Do you listen in on God’s council? Answer: No.

And he asks Job: Do you have a monopoly on wisdom? Answer: No.

He asks him: What do you know that we do not know? What insights do you have that we do not have? Answer: He knows his own past better than you do.

Then he asks him: Are God’s consolations spoken gently to you not enough for you? Answer: Maybe they would be if God had actually said anything to him…

And he asks him: Why has your heart carried you away so that you vent your rage against God? Answer: Because God is torturing him and ruining his life.

He asks: What are mortals, that they could be righteous? Answer: If a perfect God made them, they must be perfect.

Eliphaz asks: Can a man be of benefit to God? Can even a wise person benefit him? Answer: No, that’s why he… didn’t create us?

Eliphaz asks Job: What pleasure would it give God if you were righteous? What would he gain if your ways were blameless? Answer: He wouldn’t be affected at all.

He asks Job: Is it for your piety that he rebukes you and brings charges against you? Answer: It’s not really a reaction to Job’s behavior at all. It’s just a test, that God failed.

He asks him: Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless? Answer: Yes, they are not.

Eliphaz asks: Is not God in the heights of heaven? Answer: Apparently not. Why would God say he was lifting his hand “to heaven” if he was already in heaven? Why would the Bible say his judgment “rises as high as the heavens” if that was where it was coming from? How could Jesus go to heaven when he died and then come back without having returned to God, if that was where God was? It’s not even possible for God to be in heaven. The heavens can’t contain him.

Eliphaz imagines Job asking: What does God know? Answer: Little enough that he feels the need to perform unethical experiments on people in order to learn more about them.

He imagines Job asking: Does he judge through such darkness? Answer: The Father judges no one.

Eliphaz asks Job: Will you keep to the old path that the wicked have trod? Answer: No, you can’t stay where you’ve never been.

Eliphaz imagines the wicked asking: What can God do to us? Answer: See preceding verse.

Bildad’s questions

Bildad asks Job: How long will you say such things? Answer: 20 chapters.

Bildad asks: Does God pervert justice? Does the Almighty pervert what is right? Answer: All the time.

Bildad asks Job: Will former generations not instruct you and tell you? Answer: No, no one from an older generation participates in this conversation. (Unless you count God.)

Bildad asks Job: When will you end these speeches? Answer: Chapter 31.

He asks Job: Why are we considered stupid in your sight? Answer: Because you have faith in the goodness of God, and that’s stupid.

And he asks him: Is the earth to be abandoned for your sake? Or must the rocks be moved from their place? Answer: No, God mainly just needs to stop actively tormenting innocent people.

Bildad asks: Can God’s forces be numbered? Answer: Let me see… Zero. Yeah, that wasn’t so hard.

He asks: On whom does his light not rise? Answer: “Rise”? Are you talking about the sun? Then some possible biblical answers are: Pharaoh, the wicked, Israel, prophets, and Paul.

Bildad asks: How can a mortal be righteous before God? Answer: I already answered that when Eliphaz asked it.

Zophar’s questions

Zophar asks: Are all these words to go unanswered? Answer: No.

He asks: Is this talker to be vindicated? Answer: Yes.

Zophar asks Job: Will your idle talk reduce others to silence? Answer: No.

He asks him: Will no one rebuke you when you mock? Answer: No, no one will not rebuke him.

And he asks: When God sees evil, does he not take note? Answer: If he does, he must not care much. Most of the time he does nothing about it.

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