Tag Archives: jesus

The Story of the Resurrection of Lazarus
A Friend Who Stinks

Jesus heard that his friend Lazarus was very sick. If Jesus had gone to help him, Lazarus wouldn’t have died. But God had made Lazarus sick, just to give Jesus a chance to show off. So Jesus chose to stay where he was and let him die.

Then four days after Lazarus died, Jesus finally went to the hometown of Lazarus, whose sisters were mourning. Jesus went to the tomb and told Lazarus to come out, and he did. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still sick.1

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A Friend Who Stinks
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How long was Jesus dead?

Three days and three nights

Before Jesus died, he told his disciples he would be in the heart of the earth for three days and three nights. He said he would rise again after three days. In other words, he would rise three days later, and he would raise his body again in three days.

Other times, he told his disciples he would be raised to life “on the third day“. That’s a rather ambiguous way to say it. It’s not really clear which day he’s counting from as the first day here. But let’s just assume he meant the same thing as when he said it more precisely.

The day Jesus came back to life, some disciples mentioned that it was the third day since Jesus had been crucified. And then when Jesus appeared to some other disciples, he claimed that the scriptures said the Messiah would rise from the dead on the third day. And Peter and Paul both later stated that Jesus was raised from the dead on the third day. So that’s what Jesus and his followers said, but what does the Bible say actually happened?

Two days and two nights

The gospels disagree with each other on most of the details of the resurrection story. But one thing they all agree on is that Jesus was not dead for three days and three nights. The gospels say Jesus died in the afternoon on Preparation Day, the day before the Sabbath. By the time the women went to visit his tomb around sunrise on the first day of the week, after the Sabbath, Jesus had risen.

Preparation day starting in the afternoon + night + the Sabbath day (the seventh day of the week) + one more night before Jesus rises early on the first day of the week = less than two days and two nights.

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The Story of the Calling of the Disciples
Fishing for People

Two disciples of John the Baptist decided they would rather follow Jesus. One of them was Andrew, and he introduced Jesus to his brother Peter. Then Jesus went to a lake, where he met two pairs of brothers who were fishing. One of those pairs was Peter and Andrew. When he said he could teach them how to fish for people, they immediately abandoned their task and followed him.

Jesus’s new followers followed his example by immediately abandoning their families when he called them. Jesus required them to do this, because dividing families was his purpose in life. He promised to give each of them a hundred new families, because Jesus thinks families are replaceable. In total, Jesus chose twelve men to be his main disciples, also known as the apostles.

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Fishing for People
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The Story of the Temptation of Jesus
The Devil is Surprisingly Bad at Making Deals

After he was baptized, Jesus started following the devil around for some reason. The devil suggested turning rocks into bread so that Jesus would have something to eat after fasting for 40 days. But Jesus didn’t think it was right to eat only bread, so he chose to eat nothing.

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The Devil is Surprisingly Bad at Making Deals
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The Story of John the Baptist
Too Many Herods!

John the Baptist, a relative of Jesus, was in the wilderness of Judea, baptizing and insulting people. People thought he was demon-possessed. He made people get in the river, even though it’s possible to be baptized without getting wet at all.

Jesus (now grown up) came to the river where John was baptizing. John thought Jesus should be the one baptizing him, because he thought Jesus was greater than him. But Jesus wasn’t actually any greater than John, so Jesus had John baptize him instead.

Then John was put in prison for claiming that it was against the law for King Herod‘s son Herod to marry his niece Herodias after she divorced his brother Herod Philip. Herod and his wife Herodias both wanted to kill John, but Herod was hesitant to kill someone who was thought of as a prophet.

On Herod’s birthday, Herodias got her sexy daughter to help her convince Herod to have John beheaded immediately. Herod was very distressed at the thought of having to kill the man he wanted to kill. But he did it anyway, because he had promised to give his hot stepdaughter/niece whatever she asked for.

(Herodias’s daughter married Herod’s other brother who was also named Herod Philip. And later, she married the son of one of Herodias’s two brothers who were named Herod. Herodias’s other brother, Herod Agrippa, later persecuted the disciples of Jesus, and then an angel killed him for failing to point out that he wasn’t a god. Herod Agrippa’s son was… Herod Agrippa, who met the “apostle” Paul.)

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Too Many Herods!
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The Story of the Birth of Jesus
The Massacre of the Innocents

Over a hundred years after the time of Esther, Judea (the home of the Jews) was taken over by the Greeks when Alexander the Great arrived. And three hundred years after that, the Roman Empire took it over.

A carpenter named Joseph, who was descended from the kings of Judah, was engaged to a woman named Mary. Then God impregnated her, which nearly caused them to break up. But God insisted that Joseph should marry Mary anyway, so he did. But he didn’t have sex with her until after she gave birth to God’s baby, which they named Jesus.

While Mary was pregnant, Joseph decided to go to Bethlehem to take part in the governor Quirinius’s census of Judea. Even though Joseph didn’t live in Judea, and even though the census wouldn’t happen till several years later. And Jesus was born there.

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The Massacre of the Innocents
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Did Satan tell Jesus to jump off the temple before or after he told him to worship him?

The gospel of Matthew has Satan take Jesus to the temple roof and challenge him to jump off. Then it has him take Jesus to a mountain and offer him the world in exchange for worshiping him.

The gospel of Luke has Satan take Jesus to a mountain and offer him the world in exchange for worshiping him. Then it has him take Jesus to the temple roof and challenge him to jump off.

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How long before Jesus crushes everyone to death?

The book of Revelation reveals that one day, angels are going to harvest the grapes of the Earth and gather them into the great winepress of God’s wrath. Then someone (identified later in the book as Jesus) is going to trample those grapes until he’s surrounded by an enormous flood of blood from the grapes.

So that’s kinda weird. Why would grapes have blood in them? Is this supposed to be some kind of miracle or something? I don’t normally do this, but let’s assume the Bible is making a metaphor, and see where that takes us. Maybe when it says blood, it means grape juice!

…Or maybe when it says grapes, it means people. Yeah, that one’s more interesting. And more likely to be what they intended, I guess. So, how many people would Jesus have to murder to get that much blood? Let’s find out…

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