Tag Archives: kidnapping

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

October 28, 2024Bible storiesahaz, babylon, betrayal, bible, blessings, bribes, buildings, death, deception, destruction, disasters, egypt, evil, failure, fire, god, hezekiah, hoshea, illness, imprisonment, injustice, israelites, jehoahaz, jehoiachin, jehoiakim, jews, josiah, kidnapping, law, massacres, money, moral influences, morality, murder, nebuchadnezzar, pagans, poverty, promises, prophecy, punishment, reward, samaritans, scapegoating, selfishness, temple, theft, violence, war, zedekiahR. A. Absalom

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.¹ After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The Story of the Levite’s Concubine—
The Most Pointlessly Evil Story in the Bible

January 10, 2022Bible storiesdestruction, discrimination, escape, evil, failure, family, foolishness, god, homosexuality, hypocrisy, injustice, israelites, kidnapping, marriage, massacres, moral influences, murder, overreaction, pointlessness, promises, punishment, rape, revenge, scapegoating, tribes of israel, violence, virginity, warR. A. Absalom

A Levite man’s girlfriend broke up with him and went back to live with her parents. But then he followed her to her parents’ house and took her back. On the way back to the man’s home, they stopped for the night in Gibeah, a city of the tribe of Benjamin, and stayed in an old man’s house.

Some of the Benjamite men from that city came and surrounded the house. They told the old man to send the Levite man out so they could have sex with him. The old man said he couldn’t let them have sex with his guest, because that would be outrageous and vile. So he offered to let them rape his daughter and his guest’s girlfriend instead.

The Levite man thought that was a good idea, so he sent his girlfriend outside. The men of Gibeah spent the whole night gang-raping her to death. Then the man went home, and he chopped up his girlfriend into a dozen pieces and had them distributed all over the country.

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The Story of the Moabite/Midianite Clusterfuck—
The Origin of the Priesthood

August 12, 2021Bible storiesbalaam, canaanites, destruction, discrimination, fornication, genocide, god, idols, injustice, israelites, kidnapping, moral influences, moses, murder, obedience, overreaction, priests, punishment, rape, reward, sex, slavery, theft, virginity, warR. A. Absalom

The women of Moab and Midian, following the advice of God through his prophet Balaam, invited the Israelite men to have sex with them and worship the gods of Moab. This made God angry, so he decided to kill all the Israelites yet again, and he told Moses, the leader of Israel, to kill all the leaders of Israel. So Moses told the judges of Israel to kill all the Israelites who had worshipped a Moabite god.

God had already killed tens of thousands of Israelites himself, when an Israelite leader brought a Midianite woman into his tent. When Aaron’s grandson Phinehas saw this, he followed them into the tent and killed them with a spear. This somehow turned away God’s anger and convinced him not to kill all the Israelites. God was so pleased with Phinehas that he made a covenant of peace with him and said the descendants of Phinehas would always be God’s priests.

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The Story of Dinah and Shechem—
Somebody's in Canaan with Dinah

September 21, 2020Bible storiescircumcision, curses, deception, dinah, escape, family, incest, jacob, kidnapping, marriage, massacres, morality, polygamy, rape, reputation, revenge, scapegoating, theftR. A. Absalom

Jacob ran away from his angry brother, and married his cousins Rachel and Leah and their servants Bilhah and Zilpah. They had twelve sons and a daughter named Dinah.

Shechem, the son of a ruler in the nearby city of Shechem, raped Dinah. When Dinah’s brothers heard about that, they were furious, because Shechem had sex with Jacob’s daughter. Nobody should have sex with Jacob’s daughter!

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Reductio Ad Absalom

For the message of the cross is foolishness.

Tag Archives: kidnapping

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

The Story of the Levite’s Concubine—
The Most Pointlessly Evil Story in the Bible

The Story of the Moabite/Midianite Clusterfuck—
The Origin of the Priesthood

The Story of Dinah and Shechem—
Somebody's in Canaan with Dinah