Tag Archives: murder

The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

July 25, 2023Bible storiesabsalom, amnon, animals, betrayal, curses, david, deception, destruction, escape, evil, failure, family, fire, food, foolishness, hair, homosexuality, illness, imprisonment, incest, infidelity, ingratitude, injustice, insults, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, morality, mourning, murder, overreaction, polygamy, prayer, punishment, rape, rebellion, reputation, revenge, sabotage, sex, slavery, suicide, trees, violence, warR. A. Absalom

David’s son Amnon was obsessed with his beautiful sister Tamar. Amnon’s nephew advised him to pretend to be sick. Then he could request a meal to be served to him in bed by his sister. So he did. When Tamar went to Amnon’s bedroom and tried to give him some food, he wouldn’t eat it. Instead, he told her to get in bed with him.

Tamar said she couldn’t do that right now, because that would be foolish and wicked and disgraceful. They should get married first! She was sure their righteous father David would allow his children to marry each other. But Amnon ignored her proposal, raped her, and sent her away. Absalom, another son of David, saw Tamar crying, and he told her to shut up. He said she should stop taking Amnon’s actions so seriously, because he was just her brother.

King David was not happy with what Amnon had done. Two years later, Absalom had Amnon killed. David heard that all his sons had been killed, and he wasn’t happy about that, either. When he found out that only Amnon was dead, he was just slightly more happy. Absalom wasn’t allowed to see his father for two years. Then Absalom set Joab’s barley field on fire, which convinced him to let Absalom visit David.

Absalom became popular (despite his disgracefully long hair) by kissing all the men who came to see King David. Then Absalom was able to get the people to declare him king of Israel. When David heard that his son was trying to overthrow him, he and most of his household ran away. But he made ten of his girlfriends stay behind to take care of his palace.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of David and Bathsheba—
The Only Thing David Ever Did That God Didn't Approve of

June 14, 2023Bible storiesbathsheba, buildings, david, deception, envy, evil, failure, family, hypocrisy, illness, infidelity, injustice, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, misunderstanding, mourning, murder, nudity, promises, punishment, scapegoating, secrets, sex, spying, uriah, warR. A. Absalom

King David heard that Nahash, the Ammonite king who had wanted to gouge out the eyes of all the Israelites, had died. So David sent diplomats to tell Nahash’s successor how sorry David was that such a kind man had died. But the Ammonites assumed that David’s men must be spies plotting to overthrow them. So they sent the diplomats away half naked, and started a war with Israel. David stayed home while he had his commander Joab go out and lead Israel in fighting the Ammonites (which God had commanded them not to do).

David was walking around on the roof of his palace one night, when he saw a beautiful woman taking a bath. He learned that her name was Bathsheba, and that she was the wife of Uriah, one of David’s chief warriors, who was away fighting in the war. David had Bathsheba brought to the palace, had sex with her, and sent her back home.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

May 16, 2023Bible storiesanimals, ark of the covenant, blessings, buildings, curses, david, death, destruction, failure, god, idols, illness, ingratitude, injustice, israelites, jealousy, marriage, massacres, michal, mind control, miracles, murder, nudity, overreaction, philistines, punishment, reputation, self-defeating, sex, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Back when Israel was led by Samuel, there had been a war between the Israelites and the Philistines, and Israel was losing. The Israelites thought it might help if God was with them, so they brought out the ark of the covenant. When the Philistines heard that a mighty enemy god had arrived, they were afraid, and they knew they would have to fight hard to defeat Israel. So the Philistines fought hard, and defeated Israel.

They killed tens of thousands of Israelites, captured the ark of God, and took it to the temple of their god Dagon. But then Dagon started bowing down to the ark, and the Philistines started getting tumors. They tried moving the ark to different cities, but Philistines died wherever the ark went.

After seven months of this, the Philistines decided they should send the ark away. They put the ark on a cart and let two cows take it back to Israelite territory. When the Israelites saw that the cows had brought their ark back, they were so grateful that they… killed the cows.

But then when 70 Israelites looked inside the ark at the things that God had told Moses to put there so people could look at them, God killed them all. Now the people who had found the ark of God didn’t want to keep it, since it seemed to bring death everywhere it went. So they sent the ark to the house of some guy named Abinadab.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of King Ish-Bosheth—
The One Where Nearly Everybody Gets Killed, But It's Not God's Doing for a Change

April 16, 2023Bible storiesbetrayal, buildings, curses, david, death, evil, execution, failure, false accusation, family, fighting, foolishness, infidelity, ingratitude, injustice, insults, israelites, jealousy, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, misunderstanding, moral influences, murder, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, polygamy, poverty, punishment, rebellion, revenge, saul, scapegoating, spying, theft, warR. A. Absalom

After Saul and his whole family died, his dead son Ish-Bosheth succeeded him as king of Israel. But David was made king of the tribe of Judah. The commander of the army of Israel was Saul’s cousin Abner, and the commander of the army of Judah was David’s nephew Joab.

These commanders thought it would be fun to see some men stab each other to death. So they made two dozen of their soldiers stab each other to death. But Joab’s brother Asahel didn’t like that, so he chased Abner. Abner didn’t like that, so he stabbed Asahel to death. Joab didn’t like that, so he chased Abner, too. But then Abner suggested not chasing him. So Joab stopped chasing him.

King Ish-Bosheth offended his commander Abner by accusing him of sleeping with Saul’s girlfriend. So Abner decided to desert Ish-Bosheth and help David take over Israel. When Abner offered to help David become king of all Israel, David agreed to let him do that… but only if he did David a favor first.

By this time David had married at least four women. But Saul had taken back his daughter Michal, David’s first wife, and given her to somebody else. David had Abner steal Michal back for him and make her other husband go away. After doing that, Abner went off to convince the Israelites to make David their king.

But David’s commander Joab didn’t like Abner, who had killed Joab’s brother. Joab thought Abner must have only come there to spy on David for Ish-Bosheth. So Joab found Abner and stabbed him to death. David didn’t like that (even though he had previously declared that Abner must die). So David put a curse on Joab’s family, and later had his son kill Joab.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of the Witch of Endor—
The Fall of Tall Saul

March 10, 2023Bible storiesdavid, death, execution, failure, false accusation, foolishness, god, ingratitude, injustice, judgment, law, mistakes, morality, murder, overreaction, philistines, prophecy, punishment, resurrection, samuel, saul, secrets, suicide, torture, warR. A. Absalom

The Philistines came to attack Israel, and King Saul was afraid. Despite what had happened the last time he had sought God’s help, he asked God for advice, but God wouldn’t answer him. (Maybe God was deep in thought, or busy, or traveling, or sleeping…)

Saul wanted to ask God’s prophet Samuel for advice, but by this time Samuel was dead. Saul decided to ask Samuel for advice anyway. So he found a witch and got her to resurrect the spirit of Samuel. He promised her that she would not be punished for what she was doing, which was against God’s law.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of David and Abigail—
David Expects to be Treated Like a King Prematurely

February 7, 2023Bible storiesabigail, animals, betrayal, coercion, david, evil, food, foolishness, god, injustice, insults, marriage, massacres, misunderstanding, murder, overreaction, pointlessness, polygamy, rescue, revenge, reward, scapegoating, wealthR. A. Absalom

David sent messengers to a rich man named Nabal, asking him to give David and his men something, anything he could find. David thought Nabal owed him something in exchange for not harming Nabal’s employees. But Nabal chose not to give David anything, since he didn’t even know who David was. So David took 400 men with him and went to attack Nabal and murder all the men who worked for him.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of David and Jonathan—
The Gay Story

November 14, 2022Bible storiescircumcision, coercion, david, deception, demons, discrimination, envy, escape, failure, family, food, foolishness, gentiles, god, homosexuality, idols, in-law-cest, insults, jonathan, love, marriage, massacres, michal, mistakes, moral influences, murder, music, nudity, overreaction, philistines, pointlessness, poverty, promises, reputation, rescue, reward, samuel, saul, self-defeating, tests, warR. A. Absalom

Saul hates David, Saul’s children love David

After David killed Goliath, women from all over Israel started singing and dancing and claiming that David had slain tens of thousands, but Saul had only slain thousands. This made Saul jealous and angry at David, and they became enemies.

The next day, Saul tried to kill David twice by throwing a spear at him, but he missed both times. Since Saul wasn’t able to kill David himself, he decided to let his other enemies do it for him. So Saul offered to let David marry his daughter Merab if David fought some more Philistines. But David didn’t think he was worthy of becoming the king’s son-in-law, because he wasn’t rich and famous enough.

(Even though women all over Israel were singing his praises. Even though he had been chosen by God to become king of Israel. Even though Saul had promised to give great wealth and his daughter to whoever killed Goliath.)

So Merab married somebody else. But Saul found out that his other daughter, Michal, was in love with David, so Saul offered to let David marry her if he killed 100 Philistines. So David forgot about his supposed unworthiness, and killed 200 Philistines and brought their foreskins to Saul,¹ and then David married Michal. Then Saul found out that Michal was in love with David. Again.

But David loved Saul’s son Jonathan more than he loved women. Jonathan loved David too, so he took off his clothes and became one with him. Jonathan informed David (who had already had to dodge Saul’s spear twice) that Saul was trying to get David killed. Jonathan knew this because Saul had told Jonathan to kill David. Then Jonathan told Saul that there was no reason to kill David for no reason, so Saul promised to stop trying to kill David.

Idol threats

But then God sent an evil spirit that made Saul throw a spear at David again, so David ran away from Saul’s house and stayed at his own house. Saul sent men to wait outside David’s house that night and kill him in the morning. When David realized that Saul’s men had come to kill him, he wrote a song about it.² Then he threatened to kill his wife if she didn’t help him escape, so she lowered him through a window, and distracted Saul’s men with a decoy made from an idol that she had handy for some reason.

Saul went after David so he could capture him and kill him, but when he ran into Samuel and some other men, God made Saul strip off his clothes and lie down with the men and spend the night with them.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of the Rejection of Saul—
Not Evil Enough to Please God

September 21, 2022Bible storiesanimals, david, deception, demons, evil, failure, false accusation, foolishness, genocide, god, hypocrisy, ingratitude, injustice, israelites, judgment, mistakes, murder, music, obedience, overreaction, philistines, pointlessness, punishment, sacrifice, samuel, saul, scapegoating, warR. A. Absalom

King Saul attacked his enemies, the Philistines, but the Israelite army was outnumbered and had almost no weapons, so they ran and hid. Saul tried making a burnt offering so God would help him. But then Samuel told him that was a foolish thing to do, and now God had rejected Saul and would have to find a new king for his people.

Later, Samuel told King Saul that God wanted him to break God’s law and kill all the people and animals in the city of Amalek for the sins of their ancestors. So Saul ambushed the city and killed all the people except the king of the Amalekites,³ and all the animals except the best ones, which his men were planning to sacrifice to God later. Then God realized that he had made a bad decision when he made Saul king. Because Saul had failed to kill everyone and everything immediately,⁴ God rejected Saul as king of his people. Again.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of Jonathan and the Cursed Honey—
Saul Tries to Starve His Own Army

August 7, 2022Bible storiesbad rules, curses, failure, family, fasting, food, foolishness, god, ingratitude, injustice, israelites, jonathan, judgment, mind control, mistakes, murder, obedience, overreaction, philistines, promises, punishment, rescue, saul, self-defeating, warR. A. Absalom

During a war with the Philistines, King Saul’s son Jonathan ate some honey that he found on the ground. But then someone informed him that his father had said anyone who ate anything that day would be cursed. Jonathan thought that was dumb. By depriving them of food, Saul was making his army too weak to fight the Philistines. So Jonathan sneaked away and started killing Philistines himself. Then God made the Philistines panic and attack each other so the Israelites wouldn’t have to.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

The Story of the Calling of Samuel—
Why the Family of Eli Was Cursed

June 13, 2022Bible storiesadoption, blindness, coercion, curses, death, deception, eli, evil, failure, family, god, illness, ingratitude, injustice, misunderstanding, moral influences, murder, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, polygamy, priests, prophecy, punishment, samuel, scapegoating, secrets, wineR. A. Absalom

A man named Elkanah had two wives, named Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah didn’t, because God wouldn’t let her. Peninnah kept tormenting Hannah about this for years, and she was miserable. Her husband told her she should stop crying, because she had him, which was better than having children. Hannah silently asked God to give her a son. When Eli, the priest and leader of Israel, saw her mouth moving but didn’t hear her saying anything, he told her she needed to stop getting drunk.

Then God let Hannah have a son, and she named him Samuel. She was so happy to finally have a son that she gave him away to Eli, whose sons were scoundrels. Eli tried to get his sons to change their ways, but God wouldn’t let them repent, because he wanted an excuse to kill them.

Continue reading →

Share this post:

Reductio Ad Absalom

For the message of the cross is foolishness.

Tag Archives: murder

The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

The Story of David and Bathsheba—
The Only Thing David Ever Did That God Didn't Approve of

The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

The Story of King Ish-Bosheth—
The One Where Nearly Everybody Gets Killed, But It's Not God's Doing for a Change

The Story of the Witch of Endor—
The Fall of Tall Saul

The Story of David and Abigail—
David Expects to be Treated Like a King Prematurely

The Story of David and Jonathan—
The Gay Story

Saul hates David, Saul’s children love David

Idol threats

The Story of the Rejection of Saul—
Not Evil Enough to Please God

The Story of Jonathan and the Cursed Honey—
Saul Tries to Starve His Own Army

The Story of the Calling of Samuel—
Why the Family of Eli Was Cursed