The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions in the stories from when David, and then his son Solomon, ruled over all Israel.

Saul’s cousin asks David’s nephew: Why should I strike you down? Answer: You shouldn’t.

Saul’s son asks Saul’s cousin: Why did you sleep with my father’s girlfriend? Answer: Why not? Your father is dead.

David’s other nephew, Joab, asks him: What have you done? Answer: Things David had done in that chapter include waging war against the people he promised not to kill, having children with a bunch of women we’ve never heard of before, and demanding that Abner do him a favor before he’ll allow Abner to do him another favor.

Joab asks him: Why did you let Abner go? Answer: So Abner could continue to help him become king of Israel.

Mephibosheth asks David: What am I, that you should notice a dead dog like me? Answer: A dead dog, apparently. And David is a worm, so maybe he intends to eat the dead dog?

The Ammonite commanders ask their new king: Do you think David is honoring your father by sending envoys to you to express sympathy? Answer: Yes, he thinks that. Also, it’s true.

They ask: Hasn’t David sent them to you only to explore the city and spy it out and overthrow it? Answer: No.

Uriah asks: With the ark of the covenant and the men of Israel currently in tents, how could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? Answer: Well, you’re already eating and drinking at the palace, so that part clearly isn’t a problem for you…

David’s attendants ask: How can we now tell him his child is dead? Answer: By answering his question when he asks if his child is dead.

When David abruptly stops mourning as soon as he finds out his child is dead, they ask him: Why are you acting this way? Answer: Because he thinks he can manipulate God.

A woman asks David: Why then have you done this? When you side against people trying to kill my son, do you not convict yourself, since you have not brought back your own banished son? Answer: No, David never tried to kill his son like the people he condemned in the woman’s story, so no hypocrisy here.

Absalom tells Joab that he had told Joab to ask David: Why have I come from Geshur? Answer: Because Joab wanted you to. Ask him, not David.

Abishai asks: Shouldn’t Shimei be put to death for cursing David? Answer: For speaking? Of course not.

Barzillai asks David: Why should I be an added burden to you? Answer: Because David was a burden to you?

He asks: Why should the king reward me in this way? Answer: Because you provided for him.

The men of Israel ask: Why did the men of Judah steal the king away? Answer: Nobody’s taking your king away. David is still king of Israel. Which isn’t even separate from Judah at this time anyway.

When David tells Joab to count the men of Israel, Joab asks: Why do you want to do such a thing? Answer: So he’ll know how many there are. Also because God told him to.

The prophet Nathan says God asks: Did I ever say to any leader of my people, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?” Answer: Well, Nathan had just told David that God wanted him to do that. So either the answer is yes, or Nathan is a false prophet and should be killed.

God imagines future people asking: Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple? Answer: Because he was so bad at demonstrating his existence and superiority that the people decided they might as well be worshiping worthless idols.

David’s questions

David asks an Amalekite: Why weren’t you afraid to destroy the Lord’s anointed? Answer: Because “the Lord’s anointed” told him to.

After God confirms that David should go to one of the towns of Judah, David asks: Where shall I go? Answer: To one of the towns of Judah.

David asks God: What more can David say to you? Answer: David can say quite a bit more to him, apparently.

David asks God: Who is like your people Israel, the one nation on earth that God chose as a people for himself? Biblical answer: Either no other nation, or all other nations. The Bible isn’t clear which, but it’s definitely one of those two things. Real answer: No people is like that because there are no gods.

Joab imagines David asking: Who killed Abimelek son of Jerub-Besheth? Answer: His armor-bearer.

Imaginary David asks: Didn’t a woman drop a millstone on him, so that he died? Answer: Yeah, that too.

David asks: Now that my child is dead, why should I go on fasting? Answer: Because your child is dead.

When Abishai objects to Shimei cursing David, David asks: If he is cursing because the Lord said to him, “Curse David,” who can ask, “Why do you do this?” Answer: Abishai can. But why are you assuming it was God’s idea?

David tells a messenger to tell the priests to ask Amasa: Are you not my own flesh and blood? Answer: Amasa was indeed David’s nephew, just like Joab, who Amasa would briefly replace, until Joab got his job back by killing his cousin Amasa.

David asks: Don’t I know that today I am king over Israel? Answer: …Yes?

David asks: Is it not the blood of men who went at the risk of their lives? Answer: No, they didn’t bring you blood to drink, they brought you exactly what you asked for. But if you’re not even going to drink it, they shouldn’t have bothered.

He asks: Should I drink the blood of these men who went at the risk of their lives? Answer: No, you should drink the water they brought you.

When God starts slaughtering his people instead of punishing the person who supposedly did something wrong, David asks: Was it not I who ordered the fighting men to be counted? Answer: Yes, though God also ordered the same thing. Better punish him too.

David asks: How can I ever bring the ark of God to me? Answer: Carrying poles.

David asks: Who am I, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Answer: You’re the king.

Solomon’s questions

Solomon asks God: Who is able to govern this great people of yours? Answer: About 50 biblical kings of Israel and Judah, not to mention Moses, Joshua, the judges, the kings of other nations that ruled over the Hebrews, and later Jewish rulers that the Bible doesn’t mention.

Solomon asks his mother: Why do you request Abishag for Adonijah? Answer: Because Adonijah wants her.

Solomon asks Shimei: Did I not make you swear by the Lord? Why then did you not keep your oath to the Lord? Answer: He never swore an oath. He just said he would do what you said. And what you said was that he would die the day he left, which is in fact exactly what he did.

Solomon asks: Who is able to build a temple for God? Answer: Solomon.

He asks: Who am I to build a temple for him? Answer: You’re the guy he told to build a temple for him.

Then he asks: Will God really dwell on earth with humans? Answer: The Bible has about a dozen contradictory answers as to where God lives, so who knows? But note that if Solomon is right in suggesting that God will not dwell on earth with humans, then Jesus is not God.

For more answers, see part 6.