Some Canaanites had a baby girl, but they hated her for some reason, so they left her to die in a field. A man found the baby lying there naked, and he magically made her grow up and become beautiful. Then he abandoned her too.
Later, the man came back and noticed that the naked girl was all grown up! She had boobs and everything. So he married her. But this woman had an extremely high sex drive, and her husband couldn’t satisfy her. So she started having sex with her well-endowed Egyptian neighbors, and with every stranger who passed by. She made statues of men and had sex with them, too.
Her husband was furious and called her a whore, even though he knew that she was actually the one paying for all that sex. He tried to punish her by stripping her in front of all her lovers, as if they hadn’t already seen her naked. Then the beautiful woman’s lovers got a mob to come and kill her, for some reason.
The end.
Interpretation
God established his people Israel in the land of Canaan, and commanded them not to have any other gods. But the Israelites weren’t satisfied with their God, so they made offerings to the gods of Egypt and other nations, and made their own idols to worship too. This made God furious.
Then God’s people were attacked and defeated by the armies of Assyria and Babylon, which were sent by… the other gods? The lovers represent other gods, right? They always do. But I thought the other gods weren’t even real! So that part makes no sense either in the story, or in the interpretation. God isn’t very good at analogies, is he?
The moral of the story
Make sure the gods you worship aren’t real, or they might randomly decide to kill you for worshiping them.