God kills people a lot. If you want to make sure God won’t kill you, maybe the stories in the Bible can help you figure out what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Here are some Bible-based tips for staying on God’s good side:

Things to avoid

• Don’t get too good at complimenting people.
• Don’t neglect to impregnate your brother’s wife.
• Don’t approach God when you’re not wearing the right underwear.
• Convince God to stay away from you. Otherwise, he might kill you just because he can’t control himself. You’re only safe if God is not with you.
• Never make offerings to God. It’s too easy to do it wrong and offend him.
• Never be happy about or indifferent to anything that God gets upset about.
• Don’t mourn when God murders your loved ones.
• If you want something, don’t ask God for it, because sometimes he acts like a malicious genie.
• Don’t tell the truth about how bad a job God is doing when he tries to do good things for people.
• If God gives you a place to live, don’t stay there.
• Don’t let your brother do a miracle slightly differently from how God wants it done.
• Don’t obey God. Don’t attack who God sends you to attack.
• Always listen to prophets when they tell you what to do. You’d better not criticize the prophets, or let anyone in your family criticize them either. Don’t try to tell prophets what to do, and don’t question their claims. Just blindly obey all prophets, even when they want you to injure them.
• Don’t listen to prophets who claim to be telling you what God wants you to do. They might be lying. If you take advice from God’s prophets, he might destroy your whole nation.
• Don’t marry a prophet, or God might decide to kill you just to try to make a point. (Even when he knows that won’t be an effective way to make his point.)
• Don’t marry God, if you’re a prostitute.
• Never fail to get advice from God, even when he refuses to give you any.
• Don’t look inside the ark of the covenant at the things God told Moses to put there so people could look at them.
• Don’t try to protect the ark of the covenant.
• Don’t have wicked parents or children.
• Don’t have parents who do things God doesn’t want done. Or any other family members, either.
• Don’t let your parents conceive you in a sinful way.
• Don’t let any of your ancestors sin. Even if God forces them to.
• Don’t live in a country ruled by people with delusions of grandeur.
• Don’t live in a country governed by people who obey God.
• Stay away from lions when it’s time for God to feed them.
• Don’t roar at God.
• Don’t be a good person. God thinks killing good people is a good way to make sure nothing bad happens to them.
• If you’re a destroyer, don’t stop destroying, or God might decide it’s time for you to be destroyed.
• Don’t be anywhere near other people God wants to kill.
• Don’t whitewash your walls.
• Don’t think you’re wise, even if you are.
• Never retire.
• Don’t get mistaken for a god.
• Don’t be God’s son.
• Don’t resist when your community turns communist.
• Don’t follow or even learn about God’s law.
• Don’t be ignorant of God’s law.
• Don’t be unaware of who Jesus is, even when Jesus is actively trying to hide who he is.
• Don’t eat or drink anything unless you’re sure you’re doing it in a way that God approves of. If you eat too much, God might decide to destroy your city.

How to stop him when you think he’s going to kill you

• Eat the fruit of the tree of life. God may not actually want you to do that, but once you’ve done it, you’ll be immortal, and God won’t be able to stop you from living forever. Even if he wants to because you ate the fruit “in an unworthy manner“, whatever that means.
• Kill somebody. Preferably someone who has disobeyed God, but even if you kill someone God likes better than you, God won’t kill you. In fact, he will protect you for the rest of your life, so you won’t have to worry about anyone else killing you either. (Just remember to never stop destroying, or God will decide it’s time for you to be destroyed.)
• Be part of a godly person’s family. It doesn’t matter what you’re like. You just need to have someone God likes in your family, and you’ll be safe. (Well, unless God decides to turn against that godly person for no reason. Or unless God decides that he likes people who are willing to murder their loved ones. Or unless God’s angels don’t happen to try very hard to rescue you when God decides to kill everyone around you.)
• Build a tower that reaches heaven, and you will be more powerful than God. God will probably try to kill you for challenging him, but it will be easy for you to stop him, because now nothing will be impossible for you.
• If strange men tell you that God’s about to kill you for being in the wrong city, believe them and get out of that city. And don’t look back, or he might kill you even after you’ve left the city. Don’t ask me why.
• If you hear that God is about to kill a group of people in your area that doesn’t include you, mark the outside of your home with blood, so God won’t accidentally kill you too.
• If God randomly tries to kill you for no reason, try touching your son’s foreskin to your feet. That might change his mind.
• Or you could pay God a ransom for your life. (It won’t keep you alive forever, but at least now he might not kill you right away.)
• Make an offering to God, to bribe him to ignore how you’ve offended him. (But remember, never make offerings to God, or you might do it wrong and offend him even more.)
• Convince God that killing you would be bad for his reputation. Or if he expects people to praise him for killing you, convince him that somebody else would get credit for it.
• God often forgets who he thought needed killing. Remind God that he was supposed to be angry at somebody else, not at you.
• If God tells people to kill you, trick them into promising not to. This will change God’s mind, and make him not want them to kill you anymore.
• If God sends people to kill you, sneak past them at night and run away.
• Get somebody to set you free from God’s trap. Then God won’t be able to kill you, so he’ll kill the person who freed you instead.
• Fight hard. God has been known to lose fights with humans.
• Ride in an iron chariot. God is no match for iron chariots.
• Make sure you have a big enough army on your side to protect you when God inevitably gets angry at you for no good reason.
• Duck and cover.