Tag Archives: illness

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

October 28, 2024Bible storiesahaz, babylon, betrayal, bible, blessings, bribes, buildings, death, deception, destruction, disasters, egypt, evil, failure, fire, god, hezekiah, hoshea, illness, imprisonment, injustice, israelites, jehoahaz, jehoiachin, jehoiakim, jews, josiah, kidnapping, law, massacres, money, moral influences, morality, murder, nebuchadnezzar, pagans, poverty, promises, prophecy, punishment, reward, samaritans, scapegoating, selfishness, temple, theft, violence, war, zedekiahR. A. Absalom

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.¹ After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The Story of the Good Kings of Judah—
No Rest for the Righteous

September 1, 2024Bible storiesgod, illness, injustice, joash, jotham, morality, murder, polygamy, prophecy, punishment, revenge, violence, warR. A. Absalom

After Queen Athaliah was murdered, she was replaced by the seven-year-old king Joash. He reigned for 40 years, doing what was right. Joash had two wives, and he wouldn’t worship God or listen to his prophets. God got Joash severely wounded in battle, and then his own officials murdered him.

Joash was succeeded by his son Amaziah, who killed his father’s murderers. He reigned for 29 years, doing what was right. Just like his father, Amaziah wouldn’t worship God or listen to his prophets. So God got the king of Israel to attack Judah, and then Amaziah got murdered, too.

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The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

July 7, 2024Bible storiesahab, ahaziah, asa, athaliah, bribes, censorship, death, evil, family, god, illness, imprisonment, incest, israelites, jehoram, jehoshaphat, jews, judgment, marriage, massacres, money, morality, pointlessness, punishment, rehoboam, reputation, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Rehoboam, the first king of Judah, was evil. He and his cousin Maakah had a son named Abijah, who succeeded him as king and was also evil. With God’s help, Abijah killed half a million Israelites.²

The next king of Judah was Abijah’s son Asa, and he always did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. Asa brutally oppressed his own people, led them to steal building materials from the king of Israel, and imprisoned people when they criticized him. He took money from God’s treasury and used it to pay the king of Aram to fight against God’s people Israel. God was displeased with this, because he had wanted to fight against Israel himself. So then Asa developed a severe foot disease, and he died two years later.

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The Story of David’s Census—
Morning by Morning He Dispenses With Justice

November 28, 2023Bible storiesdavid, death, disasters, emotion, evil, foolishness, god, illness, injustice, israelites, joab, judgment, massacres, money, moral influences, numbers, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, punishment, sacrifice, scapegoatingR. A. Absalom

God was feeling angry at his people, and needed an excuse to punish them. So he told David to take a census of Israel.³ David’s commander Joab thought God’s idea was repulsive for some reason, but he helped David count the Israelites anyway.

After taking the census, David decided that Joab was right, that what he had done was foolish and sinful, and God agreed. God sent a prophet to ask David how he would like to be punished for obeying God. David didn’t fear God as much as he feared men, so he said he would prefer God to punish him himself, rather than sending David’s enemies to punish him.

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The Bible is disgusting

October 31, 2023The bad bookblindness, death, evil, food, illness, massacres, murder, pointlessness, rape, sacrifice, torture, violence, warR. A. Absalom

Good news: According to the Bible, you don’t ever need to worry about what you will eat. You can just let God take care of you, and he’ll provide you with all the food you need! He’ll drop it all over the ground and make you pick up unknown substances off the ground and eat them.

If a man suspects his wife might be cheating on him, God’s solution is to force her to drink some water contaminated with dust from the floor and ink from a scroll. God claims that this will only harm her if she’s actually guilty.

If you want to be a Nazirite for some reason, then when you’re done being that, somebody’s going to have to place a boiled shoulder in your hands.

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The Story of Mephibosheth and Ziba—
A Lame Deal

August 23, 2023Bible storiesabsalom, betrayal, david, deception, false accusation, foolishness, fraud, illness, injustice, jonathan, punishment, rebellion, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Mephibosheth was the son of David’s best friend Jonathan, so David was good to him and let him live in his palace. When David fled from Absalom, Mephibosheth stayed at the palace, rather than going with David. Mephibosheth’s steward Ziba told David that the reason Mephibosheth had stayed behind was that Mephibosheth was planning to take over the kingdom. So David decided to take away everything he had given to Mephibosheth and give it to Ziba. But Ziba was lying.

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The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

July 25, 2023Bible storiesabsalom, amnon, animals, betrayal, curses, david, deception, destruction, escape, evil, failure, family, fire, food, foolishness, hair, homosexuality, illness, imprisonment, incest, infidelity, ingratitude, injustice, insults, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, morality, mourning, murder, overreaction, polygamy, prayer, punishment, rape, rebellion, reputation, revenge, sabotage, sex, slavery, suicide, trees, violence, warR. A. Absalom

David’s son Amnon was obsessed with his beautiful sister Tamar. Amnon’s nephew advised him to pretend to be sick. Then he could request a meal to be served to him in bed by his sister. So he did. When Tamar went to Amnon’s bedroom and tried to give him some food, he wouldn’t eat it. Instead, he told her to get in bed with him.

Tamar said she couldn’t do that right now, because that would be foolish and wicked and disgraceful. They should get married first! She was sure their righteous father David would allow his children to marry each other. But Amnon ignored her proposal, raped her, and sent her away. Absalom, another son of David, saw Tamar crying, and he told her to shut up. He said she should stop taking Amnon’s actions so seriously, because he was just her brother.

King David was not happy with what Amnon had done. Two years later, Absalom had Amnon killed. David heard that all his sons had been killed, and he wasn’t happy about that, either. When he found out that only Amnon was dead, he was just slightly more happy. Absalom wasn’t allowed to see his father for two years. Then Absalom set Joab’s barley field on fire, which convinced him to let Absalom visit David.

Absalom became popular (despite his disgracefully long hair) by kissing all the men who came to see King David. Then Absalom was able to get the people to declare him king of Israel. When David heard that his son was trying to overthrow him, he and most of his household ran away. But he made ten of his girlfriends stay behind to take care of his palace.

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The Story of David and Bathsheba—
The Only Thing David Ever Did That God Didn't Approve of

June 14, 2023Bible storiesbathsheba, buildings, david, deception, envy, evil, failure, family, hypocrisy, illness, infidelity, injustice, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, misunderstanding, mourning, murder, nudity, promises, punishment, scapegoating, secrets, sex, spying, uriah, warR. A. Absalom

King David heard that Nahash, the Ammonite king who had wanted to gouge out the eyes of all the Israelites, had died. So David sent diplomats to tell Nahash’s successor how sorry David was that such a kind man had died. But the Ammonites assumed that David’s men must be spies plotting to overthrow them. So they sent the diplomats away half naked, and started a war with Israel. David stayed home while he had his commander Joab go out and lead Israel in fighting the Ammonites (which God had commanded them not to do).

David was walking around on the roof of his palace one night, when he saw a beautiful woman taking a bath. He learned that her name was Bathsheba, and that she was the wife of Uriah, one of David’s chief warriors, who was away fighting in the war. David had Bathsheba brought to the palace, had sex with her, and sent her back home.

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The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

May 16, 2023Bible storiesanimals, ark of the covenant, blessings, buildings, curses, david, death, destruction, failure, god, idols, illness, ingratitude, injustice, israelites, jealousy, marriage, massacres, michal, mind control, miracles, murder, nudity, overreaction, philistines, punishment, reputation, self-defeating, sex, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Back when Israel was led by Samuel, there had been a war between the Israelites and the Philistines, and Israel was losing. The Israelites thought it might help if God was with them, so they brought out the ark of the covenant. When the Philistines heard that a mighty enemy god had arrived, they were afraid, and they knew they would have to fight hard to defeat Israel. So the Philistines fought hard, and defeated Israel.

They killed tens of thousands of Israelites, captured the ark of God, and took it to the temple of their god Dagon. But then Dagon started bowing down to the ark, and the Philistines started getting tumors. They tried moving the ark to different cities, but Philistines died wherever the ark went.

After seven months of this, the Philistines decided they should send the ark away. They put the ark on a cart and let two cows take it back to Israelite territory. When the Israelites saw that the cows had brought their ark back, they were so grateful that they… killed the cows.

But then when 70 Israelites looked inside the ark at the things that God had told Moses to put there so people could look at them, God killed them all. Now the people who had found the ark of God didn’t want to keep it, since it seemed to bring death everywhere it went. So they sent the ark to the house of some guy named Abinadab.

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The Story of the Calling of Samuel—
Why the Family of Eli Was Cursed

June 13, 2022Bible storiesadoption, blindness, coercion, curses, death, deception, eli, evil, failure, family, god, illness, ingratitude, injustice, misunderstanding, moral influences, murder, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, polygamy, priests, prophecy, punishment, samuel, scapegoating, secrets, wineR. A. Absalom

A man named Elkanah had two wives, named Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah didn’t, because God wouldn’t let her. Peninnah kept tormenting Hannah about this for years, and she was miserable. Her husband told her she should stop crying, because she had him, which was better than having children. Hannah silently asked God to give her a son. When Eli, the priest and leader of Israel, saw her mouth moving but didn’t hear her saying anything, he told her she needed to stop getting drunk.

Then God let Hannah have a son, and she named him Samuel. She was so happy to finally have a son that she gave him away to Eli, whose sons were scoundrels. Eli tried to get his sons to change their ways, but God wouldn’t let them repent, because he wanted an excuse to kill them.

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Reductio Ad Absalom

For the message of the cross is foolishness.

Tag Archives: illness

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

The Story of the Good Kings of Judah—
No Rest for the Righteous

The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

The Story of David’s Census—
Morning by Morning He Dispenses With Justice

The Bible is disgusting

The Story of Mephibosheth and Ziba—
A Lame Deal

The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

The Story of David and Bathsheba—
The Only Thing David Ever Did That God Didn't Approve of

The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

The Story of the Calling of Samuel—
Why the Family of Eli Was Cursed