Tag Archives: massacres

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

October 28, 2024Bible storiesahaz, babylon, betrayal, bible, blessings, bribes, buildings, death, deception, destruction, disasters, egypt, evil, failure, fire, god, hezekiah, hoshea, illness, imprisonment, injustice, israelites, jehoahaz, jehoiachin, jehoiakim, jews, josiah, kidnapping, law, massacres, money, moral influences, morality, murder, nebuchadnezzar, pagans, poverty, promises, prophecy, punishment, reward, samaritans, scapegoating, selfishness, temple, theft, violence, war, zedekiahR. A. Absalom

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.¹ After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The Story of Queen Athaliah—
Seven Year Bitch

August 4, 2024Bible storiesahaziah, athaliah, evil, failure, family, god, idols, israelites, jehu, joash, joram, massacres, moral influences, murder, nudity, obedience, overreaction, priests, rebellion, reputation, rescueR. A. Absalom

God told a man named Jehu to murder Ahab’s son Joram so Jehu could replace him as king of Israel. So Jehu murdered Joram and his whole family. God was pleased. Ahaziah king of Judah was visiting Joram at the time, so Jehu also murdered Ahaziah and 42 of his relatives. Then Jehu murdered all the Israelites who worshipped Baal.

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The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

July 7, 2024Bible storiesahab, ahaziah, asa, athaliah, bribes, censorship, death, evil, family, god, illness, imprisonment, incest, israelites, jehoram, jehoshaphat, jews, judgment, marriage, massacres, money, morality, pointlessness, punishment, rehoboam, reputation, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Rehoboam, the first king of Judah, was evil. He and his cousin Maakah had a son named Abijah, who succeeded him as king and was also evil. With God’s help, Abijah killed half a million Israelites.²

The next king of Judah was Abijah’s son Asa, and he always did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. Asa brutally oppressed his own people, led them to steal building materials from the king of Israel, and imprisoned people when they criticized him. He took money from God’s treasury and used it to pay the king of Aram to fight against God’s people Israel. God was displeased with this, because he had wanted to fight against Israel himself. So then Asa developed a severe foot disease, and he died two years later.

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The Story of Elisha and the Mean Boys—
God Rescues His Servant From Persecution

May 17, 2024Bible storiesanimals, child abuse, curses, death, disasters, flight, god, hair, heaven, insults, massacres, miracles, overreaction, prophecy, punishment, rescue, violenceR. A. Absalom

The life of Elijah the prophet ended when God took him up to heaven in a whirlwind. He was succeeded by his servant Elisha, who gained the ability to do miracles like Elijah had done. As Elisha was walking along, a bunch of boys saw him and started making fun of him because he was bald. This bothered Elisha, so he stopped to put a curse on them. Then God sent two bears out of the woods to maul the mean little boys, so the bald prophet could continue on his way without anyone reminding him that he was bald.

The end.

The moral of the story

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Did Joshua completely destroy Debir?

March 25, 2024Contradictionsdestruction, joshua, massacresR. A. Absalom

The book of Joshua says Joshua attacked the city of Debir, putting it and its villages to the sword. He and his people totally destroyed everyone there, leaving no survivors.

The chapter after that mentions that Joshua totally destroyed the Anakites from Debir and some other places, along with their towns. That’s either a contradiction of the statement that they were already destroyed, or just part of a recap. But there’s definitely a contradiction later.

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The Story of Elijah’s God Contest—
The Gods Must Be Lazy

February 7, 2024Bible storiesahab, animals, anomalous weather, destruction, elijah, evil, failure, fire, idols, insults, israelites, massacres, miracles, mountains, overreaction, prayer, prophecy, sacrifice, testsR. A. Absalom

During the reign of the evil King Ahab, some of the Israelites began to abandon their God. They started worshiping another god, called Baal. So Elijah, a prophet of God, challenged Ahab and the 450 prophets of Baal. He had them meet him on a mountain in the presence of the people of Israel.

Elijah had a bull killed and put it on an altar to sacrifice it to God, but didn’t set it on fire. The prophets of Baal did the same for their god. The prophets kept calling to Baal all day, asking him to prove his existence by setting his bull on fire himself, but Baal didn’t respond. Elijah suggested shouting louder, in case Baal was asleep or something, but that didn’t help.

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The Story of Rehoboam and Jeroboam—
The Kingdom Splits in Two

January 6, 2024Bible storiesbaasha, betrayal, death, escape, evil, failure, foolishness, god, idols, injustice, israelites, jeroboam, jews, massacres, mind control, murder, obedience, prophecy, punishment, rebellion, rehoboam, reputation, scapegoating, self-defeating, slavery, solomon, suicide, temple, torture, wisdom, workR. A. Absalom

God wanted to punish King Solomon for worshiping other gods. But he liked Solomon’s dead father too much to do that. So he decided to wait until Solomon was dead and punish his son instead.

A prophet announced that God was going to let most of Israel be taken over by Jeroboam, one of Solomon’s officials. Solomon wisely attempted to hinder God’s plan by killing Jeroboam. But before he could, Jeroboam fled to Egypt, where he waited for Solomon to die. Solomon was succeeded by his son Rehoboam.

The people of Israel told Rehoboam they would serve him, but only if he didn’t make them work as hard as his father had. Rehoboam wasn’t sure how to answer them, so he asked for advice. The elders he asked said he should give the people what they wanted. But the young men he asked said he should make the people work even harder. While torturing them with scorpions.

To punish Rehoboam for what his dead father had done, God made Rehoboam decide to follow the bad advice of the young men. This caused most of the Israelites to turn against him. Israel made Jeroboam their king instead of Rehoboam, but the tribes of Judah and Benjamin seceded from Israel. They became the kingdom of Judah, and kept Rehoboam as their king.

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The Story of David’s Census—
Morning by Morning He Dispenses With Justice

November 28, 2023Bible storiesdavid, death, disasters, emotion, evil, foolishness, god, illness, injustice, israelites, joab, judgment, massacres, money, moral influences, numbers, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, punishment, sacrifice, scapegoatingR. A. Absalom

God was feeling angry at his people, and needed an excuse to punish them. So he told David to take a census of Israel.³ David’s commander Joab thought God’s idea was repulsive for some reason, but he helped David count the Israelites anyway.

After taking the census, David decided that Joab was right, that what he had done was foolish and sinful, and God agreed. God sent a prophet to ask David how he would like to be punished for obeying God. David didn’t fear God as much as he feared men, so he said he would prefer God to punish him himself, rather than sending David’s enemies to punish him.

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The Bible is disgusting

October 31, 2023The bad bookblindness, death, evil, food, illness, massacres, murder, pointlessness, rape, sacrifice, torture, violence, warR. A. Absalom

Good news: According to the Bible, you don’t ever need to worry about what you will eat. You can just let God take care of you, and he’ll provide you with all the food you need! He’ll drop it all over the ground and make you pick up unknown substances off the ground and eat them.

If a man suspects his wife might be cheating on him, God’s solution is to force her to drink some water contaminated with dust from the floor and ink from a scroll. God claims that this will only harm her if she’s actually guilty.

If you want to be a Nazirite for some reason, then when you’re done being that, somebody’s going to have to place a boiled shoulder in your hands.

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The Story of the House of Saul—
The Children's Teeth Are Set on Edge

September 20, 2023Bible storiesbetrayal, david, evil, famine, foolishness, genocide, god, injustice, massacres, prayer, promises, punishment, revenge, reward, saul, scapegoatingR. A. Absalom

During David’s reign, there was a famine in Israel. After it had gone on for three years, David asked God why there was a famine. God explained that he was punishing dead king Saul for trying to kill all the Gibeonites after Joshua had promised they wouldn’t be killed.

King David asked the remaining Gibeonites how he could make amends. They said they would like it if he helped them kill seven descendants of Saul. (Whose whole family had already been killed off.)

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Reductio Ad Absalom

For the message of the cross is foolishness.

Tag Archives: massacres

The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah—
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

The Story of Queen Athaliah—
Seven Year Bitch

The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

The Story of Elisha and the Mean Boys—
God Rescues His Servant From Persecution

The moral of the story

Did Joshua completely destroy Debir?

The Story of Elijah’s God Contest—
The Gods Must Be Lazy

The Story of Rehoboam and Jeroboam—
The Kingdom Splits in Two

The Story of David’s Census—
Morning by Morning He Dispenses With Justice

The Bible is disgusting

The Story of the House of Saul—
The Children's Teeth Are Set on Edge