Tag Archives: reputation

The Story of the Resurrection of Lazarus—
A Friend Who Stinks

May 13, 2025Bible storiesbetrayal, death, illness, jesus, moral influences, reputation, resurrection, selfishnessR. A. Absalom

Jesus heard that his friend Lazarus was very sick. If Jesus had gone to help him, Lazarus wouldn’t have died. But God had made Lazarus sick, just to give Jesus a chance to show off. So Jesus chose to stay where he was and let him die.

Then four days after Lazarus died, Jesus finally went to the hometown of Lazarus, whose sisters were mourning. Jesus went to the tomb and told Lazarus to come out, and he did. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still sick.¹

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The Story of Queen Esther—
A Leisurely-Delivered Urgent Message

December 25, 2024Bible storiesarguing, betrayal, discrimination, divorce, evil, execution, failure, false accusation, family, food, foolishness, genocide, hypocrisy, injustice, jews, marriage, massacres, mistakes, misunderstanding, moral influences, murder, nudity, obedience, overreaction, pointlessness, polygamy, punishment, rebellion, reputation, rescue, revenge, reward, scapegoating, self-defeating, selfishness, wealth, wisdomR. A. Absalom

An ineffective feminist, a beauty queen, and a genocidal anti-Semite

Xerxes king of Persia (the grandson of Cyrus) held a banquet. He showed off his vast wealth to his nobles and officials and subjects there. He wanted to show off his beautiful wife Vashti too, but she refused to come. The king consulted seven wise men, and they said he should divorce Vashti. That way, all the women in his kingdom wouldn’t think they could get away with disobeying their husbands. So he divorced her.

Now the king needed to find a new wife. So he had lots of beautiful young women from all over the kingdom brought into his harem, so he could try them out. After four years of this, the king found that a girl named Esther was the most attractive. And he made her his new queen.

King Xerxes’ top official was Haman, a descendant of Agag the Amalekite and enemy of the Jews. The king commanded everyone to kneel before Haman, but Esther’s cousin, Mordecai the Jew, refused to do so. This made Haman very angry. So he convinced the king to have all the Jews in the kingdom killed at the end of the year. The king was happy to issue this decree. (He didn’t realize that his wife Esther was Jewish, since she had never told him.)

Esther tries to waste her opportunities

When Mordecai heard about what was happening, he told Esther she should talk to her husband about it. But Esther said no one was allowed to approach the king without being summoned. Anyone who did was usually killed. And the king hadn’t called for her in a month. But Mordecai said if Esther didn’t go to the king, she would be killed anyway, because she was Jewish. So Esther decided to go ask the king for help.

The king was happy to see his beautiful wife, and decided not to kill her for entering his presence. He asked her what she wanted. But instead of telling him, she asked him and Haman to attend a banquet with her. At the banquet, the king asked Esther what she wanted again. But instead of telling him, she asked him and Haman to attend another banquet with her the next day.

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The Story of Queen Athaliah—
Seven Year Bitch

August 4, 2024Bible storiesahaziah, athaliah, evil, failure, family, god, idols, israelites, jehu, joash, joram, massacres, moral influences, murder, nudity, obedience, overreaction, priests, rebellion, reputation, rescueR. A. Absalom

God told a man named Jehu to murder Ahab’s son Joram so Jehu could replace him as king of Israel. So Jehu murdered Joram and his whole family. God was pleased. Ahaziah king of Judah was visiting Joram at the time, so Jehu also murdered Ahaziah and 42 of his relatives. Then Jehu murdered all the Israelites who worshipped Baal.

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The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

July 7, 2024Bible storiesahab, ahaziah, asa, athaliah, bribes, censorship, death, evil, family, god, illness, imprisonment, incest, israelites, jehoram, jehoshaphat, jews, judgment, marriage, massacres, money, morality, pointlessness, punishment, rehoboam, reputation, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Rehoboam, the first king of Judah, was evil. He and his cousin Maakah had a son named Abijah, who succeeded him as king and was also evil. With God’s help, Abijah killed half a million Israelites.²

The next king of Judah was Abijah’s son Asa, and he always did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. Asa brutally oppressed his own people, led them to steal building materials from the king of Israel, and imprisoned people when they criticized him. He took money from God’s treasury and used it to pay the king of Aram to fight against God’s people Israel. God was displeased with this, because he had wanted to fight against Israel himself. So then Asa developed a severe foot disease, and he died two years later.

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The Story of Rehoboam and Jeroboam—
The Kingdom Splits in Two

January 6, 2024Bible storiesbaasha, betrayal, death, escape, evil, failure, foolishness, god, idols, injustice, israelites, jeroboam, jews, massacres, mind control, murder, obedience, prophecy, punishment, rebellion, rehoboam, reputation, scapegoating, self-defeating, slavery, solomon, suicide, temple, torture, wisdom, workR. A. Absalom

God wanted to punish King Solomon for worshiping other gods. But he liked Solomon’s dead father too much to do that. So he decided to wait until Solomon was dead and punish his son instead.

A prophet announced that God was going to let most of Israel be taken over by Jeroboam, one of Solomon’s officials. Solomon wisely attempted to hinder God’s plan by killing Jeroboam. But before he could, Jeroboam fled to Egypt, where he waited for Solomon to die. Solomon was succeeded by his son Rehoboam.

The people of Israel told Rehoboam they would serve him, but only if he didn’t make them work as hard as his father had. Rehoboam wasn’t sure how to answer them, so he asked for advice. The elders he asked said he should give the people what they wanted. But the young men he asked said he should make the people work even harder. While torturing them with scorpions.

To punish Rehoboam for what his dead father had done, God made Rehoboam decide to follow the bad advice of the young men. This caused most of the Israelites to turn against him. Israel made Jeroboam their king instead of Rehoboam, but the tribes of Judah and Benjamin seceded from Israel. They became the kingdom of Judah, and kept Rehoboam as their king.

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The Story of King Solomon—
The Wisest Man in the World

December 30, 2023Bible storiesanimals, bathsheba, betrayal, blessings, buildings, creation, david, death, failure, false accusation, family, food, foolishness, god, heaven, idols, immortality, incest, infidelity, injustice, jealousy, marriage, money, murder, music, overreaction, pagans, pointlessness, polygamy, promises, prostitution, reputation, sacrifice, selfishness, slavery, solomon, temple, virginity, war, wealth, wisdomR. A. Absalom

When King David was old, he had trouble staying warm. His attendants solved that problem by finding a hot girl to lie next to him in bed. Her name was Abishag, but he didn’t shag her. One day, David’s wife Bathsheba came to his room with a complaint.

She said David had promised that her son Solomon would be the next king. But now another son of David, Adonijah, had made himself king. Then David had Bathsheba come to his room, and he declared Solomon to be the new king of Israel.

When Adonijah heard about that, he was afraid Solomon would kill him. Solomon decided not to kill his brother for trying to become king. But then when Adonijah tried to marry Abishag, Solomon did kill him, because he thought that meant Adonijah was trying to become king. After David died, Solomon also killed a man David had sworn would not be killed, because Solomon was a wise man.

One night, after Solomon sacrificed at an unauthorized altar, God offered to give him anything he wanted. Solomon asked for wisdom, because he was young and inexperienced and ignorant and didn’t know right from wrong. God was so pleased that Solomon hadn’t asked for money that he made Solomon the richest king of all time, and he also made him the wisest person of all time. Solomon later asked God to let him live as long as the sun and moon endured. But apparently God didn’t like that request as much.

After he became wise, Solomon suggested cutting a baby in half. Then he wisely decided not to let the baby be raised by a prostitute who thought his idea was a good one. (He gave the baby to a different prostitute instead.)

King Solomon ruled over many other kingdoms in addition to Israel. During his reign there was peace for Israel, except when there wasn’t. He wrote thousands of songs³ and proverbs, and studied plants and animals. People came from all over the world to hear his wisdom. But wisdom was beyond him.

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Is it disgraceful for a man to have long hair?

November 19, 2023Contradictionsgender, hair, reputationR. A. Absalom

Paul thinks it’s glorious for a woman to have long hair, but it’s disgraceful for a man to have long hair. He thinks this is common sense, and anyone should be able to see this just by considering the basic nature of things. But at least some people in the Old Testament, including God, don’t seem to agree with Paul.

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The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

July 25, 2023Bible storiesabsalom, amnon, animals, betrayal, curses, david, deception, destruction, escape, evil, failure, family, fire, food, foolishness, hair, homosexuality, illness, imprisonment, incest, infidelity, ingratitude, injustice, insults, joab, judgment, marriage, mistakes, morality, mourning, murder, overreaction, polygamy, prayer, punishment, rape, rebellion, reputation, revenge, sabotage, sex, slavery, suicide, trees, violence, warR. A. Absalom

David’s son Amnon was obsessed with his beautiful sister Tamar. Amnon’s nephew advised him to pretend to be sick. Then he could request a meal to be served to him in bed by his sister. So he did. When Tamar went to Amnon’s bedroom and tried to give him some food, he wouldn’t eat it. Instead, he told her to get in bed with him.

Tamar said she couldn’t do that right now, because that would be foolish and wicked and disgraceful. They should get married first! She was sure their righteous father David would allow his children to marry each other. But Amnon ignored her proposal, raped her, and sent her away. Absalom, another son of David, saw Tamar crying, and he told her to shut up. He said she should stop taking Amnon’s actions so seriously, because he was just her brother.

King David was not happy with what Amnon had done. Two years later, Absalom had Amnon killed. David heard that all his sons had been killed, and he wasn’t happy about that, either. When he found out that only Amnon was dead, he was just slightly more happy. Absalom wasn’t allowed to see his father for two years. Then Absalom set Joab’s barley field on fire, which convinced him to let Absalom visit David.

Absalom became popular (despite his disgracefully long hair) by kissing all the men who came to see King David. Then Absalom was able to get the people to declare him king of Israel. When David heard that his son was trying to overthrow him, he and most of his household ran away. But he made ten of his girlfriends stay behind to take care of his palace.

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The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

May 16, 2023Bible storiesanimals, ark of the covenant, blessings, buildings, curses, david, death, destruction, failure, god, idols, illness, ingratitude, injustice, israelites, jealousy, marriage, massacres, michal, mind control, miracles, murder, nudity, overreaction, philistines, punishment, reputation, self-defeating, sex, theft, warR. A. Absalom

Back when Israel was led by Samuel, there had been a war between the Israelites and the Philistines, and Israel was losing. The Israelites thought it might help if God was with them, so they brought out the ark of the covenant. When the Philistines heard that a mighty enemy god had arrived, they were afraid, and they knew they would have to fight hard to defeat Israel. So the Philistines fought hard, and defeated Israel.

They killed tens of thousands of Israelites, captured the ark of God, and took it to the temple of their god Dagon. But then Dagon started bowing down to the ark, and the Philistines started getting tumors. They tried moving the ark to different cities, but Philistines died wherever the ark went.

After seven months of this, the Philistines decided they should send the ark away. They put the ark on a cart and let two cows take it back to Israelite territory. When the Israelites saw that the cows had brought their ark back, they were so grateful that they… killed the cows.

But then when 70 Israelites looked inside the ark at the things that God had told Moses to put there so people could look at them, God killed them all. Now the people who had found the ark of God didn’t want to keep it, since it seemed to bring death everywhere it went. So they sent the ark to the house of some guy named Abinadab.

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The Story of the Hunt for David—
David Joins Israel's Enemies

January 8, 2023Bible storiesbetrayal, caves, david, deception, destruction, escape, failure, foolishness, forgiveness, god, insanity, israelites, massacres, morality, philistines, pointlessness, prophecy, reputation, revenge, saul, secrets, sleep, theft, warR. A. Absalom

David went to the Philistine city of Gath to escape from Saul. But the people there thought they recognized him as a notorious Philistine slaughterer. So David pretended he was insane,⁴ and then he ran away and hid in a cave.

Then he went into a city and fought the Philistines who were attacking it. But God told him that Saul was coming, and that the people of the city would hand him over to Saul to keep him from destroying their city. So David left the city, and what God predicted didn’t happen.

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Reductio Ad Absalom

For the message of the cross is foolishness.

Tag Archives: reputation

The Story of the Resurrection of Lazarus—
A Friend Who Stinks

The Story of Queen Esther—
A Leisurely-Delivered Urgent Message

An ineffective feminist, a beauty queen, and a genocidal anti-Semite

Esther tries to waste her opportunities

The Story of Queen Athaliah—
Seven Year Bitch

The Story of the Evil Kings of Judah—
David's Dynasty Starts to Approach Hitler Levels of Evil

The Story of Rehoboam and Jeroboam—
The Kingdom Splits in Two

The Story of King Solomon—
The Wisest Man in the World

Is it disgraceful for a man to have long hair?

The Story of King Absalom—
A Man’s Enemies Are the Members of His Own Household

The Story of the Lost Ark—
God Gives You Cancer

The Story of the Hunt for David—
David Joins Israel's Enemies