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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 12: Answers to questions in Jeremiah

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations.

God says Israel asks him: Will you always be angry? Will your wrath continue forever? Answer: Well, the Bible says he won’t, but of course, the Bible also says he will.

God imagines his people asking: Why has the Lord our God done all this to us? Answer: Because your God is an idiot who thinks that punishing you relentlessly will somehow make you start liking him.

Jeremiah imagines foreigners asking: Do people make their own gods? Jeremiah’s answer: Yes, but they are not gods. Real answer: Yes, and that’s all that gods are.

God says the people of Jerusalem ask: Who can come against us? Who can enter our refuge? Answer: Nebuzaradan.

The people of Judah ask Jeremiah: Why do you prophesy in the Lord’s name that this house will be like Shiloh and this city will be desolate and deserted? Answer: Because Jerusalem is being besieged? It’s not hard to guess that’s what will happen.

Johanan asks Gedaliah: Why should Ishmael take your life and cause all the Jews who are gathered around you to be scattered and the remnant of Judah to perish? Answer: He shouldn’t. But since you’re demanding a reason he should, how about the fact that it was prophesied that everyone who didn’t go to Babylon would die?

God imagines the Philistines asking: But how can the sword of God rest when he has ordered it to attack Ashkelon and the coast? Answer: You could try asking God to stop. That might be slightly more likely to work than asking the sword to stop.

God’s questions to the Jews

God asks his people: What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me? And he asks: Why do you bring charges against me? Answer: Where do I begin?

He asks his people: Have you not brought this on yourselves by forsaking your God? Answer: If something bad happened to them because you were offended by something they did, it sounds like what happened to them was probably something you did. So no.

He asks them: Why go to Egypt to drink water from the Nile? And why go to Assyria to drink water from the Euphrates? Answer: So they can drink water from the Nile and the Euphrates.

God asks his people: Why do you go about so much, changing your ways? Answer: Because you want them to?

And he asks Israel: But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers—would you now return to me? Implied answer: No, that would be wrong. Alternative biblical answer: Yes, and that’s exactly what God wants.

God asks Jerusalem: Why should I forgive you? Answer: Because you’re merciful and forgiving, even when people rebel against you. Or at least that’s what Daniel claims you’re like. Was Daniel wrong?

God asks his people: Will you do evil and follow other gods, and then come and stand before me in my house and say, “We are safe”—safe to do all these detestable things? Answer: It seems unlikely to me that people would say that. They presumably wouldn’t think that worshiping their other gods was bad, so it wouldn’t be something they would think they needed to make sure it was safe to do. Unless they’re aware that God doesn’t like it, in which case I doubt they would think that being in his house would help.

God asks the people of Judah: Has this house, which bears my Name, become a den of robbers to you? Answer: Sounds like it’s one to God, anyway. But he doesn’t even know the difference between people robbing him and people giving him gifts. So his perception of the situation can’t tell us much about what’s really going on. I haven’t heard their side of the story, but no, I doubt they would see their temple as a den of robbers.

God asks his people: How can you say “We are wise, for we have the law of the Lord”, when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely? Answer: By having faith in biblical inerrancy.

God asks: What is my beloved doing in my temple as she, with many others, works out her evil schemes? Answer: She’s working out her evil schemes, apparently.

And he asks her: Can consecrated meat avert your punishment? Answer: It had better be able to. That’s the whole point of sacrifice, isn’t it? You wouldn’t command people to sacrifice animals if it was pointless, would you?

God asks: Who will have pity on you, Jerusalem? Who will mourn for you? Who will stop to ask how you are? Answer: Jeremiah.

God asks: Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does? Answer: Treat human beings like inanimate objects? You could, but you would be evil.

God asks the king of Judah: Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar? Answer: No, that’s not what makes him a king.

When people ask what the message from the Lord is, God intends to ask: What message? I will forsake you. Answer: That one.

God asks his people: Why do you cry out over your wound, your pain that has no cure? Answer: Because they have a painful wound that can’t be cured.

God asks: How long will you wander, unfaithful Daughter Israel? Answer: You tell me. You’re the one forcing them out of their home, so the amount of time they will wander is presumably part of your plan.

God asks the Jews who have fled to Egypt: Why bring such great disaster on yourselves by cutting off from Judah the men and women, the children and infants, and so leave yourselves without a remnant? Answer: They’re not doing that, you are.

He asks them:  Why arouse my anger with what your hands have made, burning incense to other gods in Egypt, where you have come to live? Answer: Because in their anecdotal experience, serving other gods is positively correlated with their wellbeing. If that’s not what you wanted to happen, then you should have timed your punishment better, to make sure they wouldn’t experience confusing correlations. Or you should have educated them, to make sure they wouldn’t engage in such flawed reasoning.

God’s questions about gods

God asks: Has a nation ever changed its gods? Implied answer: No, what this nation is doing is unprecedented and unheard of. Real answer: Yes.

He asks: Have I been a desert to Israel or a land of great darkness? Implied answer: No, their abandonment of their God is a mystery. Alternative biblical answer: Yes, he has been terribly harsh to his people.

God asks: Should you not fear me? Should you not tremble in my presence? Answer: If he’s really as merciful as his book sometimes claims he is, then no, I see no reason to fear him.

He asks: What do I care about incense from Sheba or sweet calamus from a distant land? Answer: You care enough about incense to demand dozens of times in your law that all your people give it to you regularly.

God asks: Am I the one they are provoking by worshiping a goddess? Answer: Yes, no one else minds if they do that.

And he asks: Are they not rather harming themselves, to their own shame? Answer: No.

Then he asks: Why then have these people turned away? Why does Jerusalem always turn away from me? Answer: Maybe they prefer gods that don’t torment them.

He asks: Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have? Answer: Real wisdom.

God asks: Why have my people aroused my anger with their worthless foreign idols? Answer: Because you’re quick to anger. Why are you so easily angered over nothing?

He asks: Who has ever heard anything like this? Answer: What, idolatry? Anyone who’s read the Bible.

God asks: He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me? Answer: No, someone who knew how you treat the poor wouldn’t do that, unless they rejected you.

He asks: What prophet has stood in the council of the Lord to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? Answer: No one ever has.

Then he asks: Am I only a God nearby, and not a God far away? Answer: You’re not even a God nearby.

And he asks: Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them? Answer: Adam, Eve, David, Jonah, dead people, sinners, people in houses

He asks: Is not my word like fire, and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces? Answer: Does your word cause a lot of destruction? I guess so.

God asks: Is anything too hard for me? Answer: Apparently. The Bible mentions God failing at a lot of things.

He asks: Who is like me and who can challenge me? Answer: Satan is like you. And he, Job, Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, Hezekiah, and a Canaanite woman can challenge you.

God’s other questions

God asks: Is Israel a servant, a slave by birth? Implied answer: No. Alternative biblical answer: Yeah, kinda. And in this very chapter you act like they’re supposed to be your slaves!

He asks: Who can restrain a female camel or wild donkey in heat? Implied answer: No one. Alternative biblical answer: Humans.

Then he asks: Why do my people say “We are free to roam; we will come to you no more”? Answer: Why wouldn’t they be free? Do you think they should be slaves or not? Make up your mind.

And he asks: Does a young woman forget her jewelry, a bride her wedding ornaments? Implied answer: No, people never change how they feel about who they married. Real answer: Yes, of course people sometimes change how they feel about who they married.

God asks: If a man divorces his wife and she leaves him and marries another man, should he return to her again? Answer: If she and her new husband don’t mind, sure. I mean, unless it’s illegal where they live.

Then he asks: In that scenario, wouldn’t the land be completely defiled? Answer: Uh… no? What a bizarre question.

God asks: Should I not punish them for this? Answer: Absolutely not. You should never punish anyone for anything. Punishment is a questionable practice even when done by humans. And if you’re an all-powerful God, there are definitely always better options. There is no excuse for inflicting harm on people if you’re God.

And he asks: Should I not avenge myself on such a nation as this? Answer: Nothing humans do has any effect on you, which means you are not the victim. So no, you do not ever need to avenge yourself.

God asks: When people fall down, do they not get up? When someone turns away, do they not return? Implied answer: Always. Real answer: Sometimes.

He asks: See, I will refine and test them, for what else can I do because of the sin of my people? Answer: You’re God. You have unlimited options. And no, you don’t ever need to test anything if you already know everything.

God asks: If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? Answer: By riding a horse.

He asks: Does the snow of Lebanon ever vanish from its rocky slopes? Do its cool waters from distant sources ever stop flowing? Implied answer: No. Real answer: Yes.

And he asks: What has straw to do with grain? Answer: They’re both part of the same plant.

God asks: Can a man bear children? Answer: Not in the usual sense of the word “bear” in that context.

He asks: Their leader will be one of their own; their ruler will arise from among them. I will bring him near and he will come close to me—for who is he who will devote himself to be close to me? Answer: Their leader?

God asks: Was Israel caught among thieves, that you shake your head in scorn whenever you speak of her? Answer: According to the Bible, Israel did steal its land from the Canaanites, so the biblical answer is yes.

God asks the Ammonites: Why do you boast of your valleys so fruitful? Answer: Because their valleys are so fruitful.

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The Bible’s questions, answered—part 11: Answers to questions in Isaiah

The Bible contains a lot of questions, and it doesn’t always provide satisfactory answers. So I’ve been answering some of the Bible’s questions myself. This time, I’m looking at questions from the book of Isaiah.

Isaiah’s questions

Isaiah asks: Why hold mere humans in esteem? Answer: As opposed to God? At least humans exist. And most of them are a lot nicer than him.

He asks: When someone tells you to consult mediums and spiritists, who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God? Answer: Yes, they should not.

And he asks: Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Answer: The living don’t know everything.

Isaiah asks: Does the ax raise itself above the person who swings it, or the saw boast against the one who uses it? Answer: No, those things are not autonomous, unlike what you’re comparing them to.

Isaiah asks: Who can thwart God’s purpose? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back? And God asks: When I act, who can reverse it? Answer: Adam, Ahab, Satan, divorcees, Christians who eat forbidden food, and humans in general.

Isaiah asks the people of Tyre: Is this your city of revelry, the old, old city, whose feet have taken her to settle in far-off lands? Answer: No, I’m pretty sure cities don’t have feet.

Isaiah asks: Has the Lord struck Israel as he struck down those who struck her? Has she been killed as those were killed who killed her? Answer: Yes, constantly.

Isaiah asks: Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge, or showed him the path of understanding?

Answer: Job and God’s prophets know what God thinks. God reveals his thoughts to mankind. Paul knows the whole will of God. The Corinthians must know it too, because God has given them all knowledge, so they “have the mind of Christ“. God has made the mystery of his will known to Paul and/or the Ephesians.

As for instructing God, according to Elihu, guardian angels instruct God to spare people. Moses counseled God and convinced him not to kill all the other Israelites. And a Gentile woman convinced Jesus that he was wrong to shun people like her, after which he started having his disciples preach to all nations instead of just to the Jews.

Isaiah asks: With whom, then, will you compare God? Answer: Hitler.

And he asks: To what image will you liken him? Answer: This one.

Isaiah asks someone: Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? Implied answer: Isaiah sounds like he’s trying to say the answer is yes. Real answer: I’m pretty sure Isaiah isn’t talking to God here, so the answer is no.

Isaiah asks: He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. Yet who of his generation protested?

Christian answer: This is a prediction that Jesus would be crucified and no one would care. Alternative biblical answer: I have no idea who Isaiah is really talking about, but let’s pretend he’s talking about Jesus. In that case, Pilate supposedly protested his own verdict. Which doesn’t make any sense, but that’s what the Bible says.

Isaiah asks: Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah, with his garments stained crimson? Who is this, robed in splendor, striding forward in the greatness of his strength? Answer: I think it’s supposed to be God?

He asks: Where is he who brought them through the sea, with the shepherd of his flock? Where is he who set his Holy Spirit among them, who sent his glorious arm of power to be at Moses’ right hand, who divided the waters before them, to gain for himself everlasting renown, who led them through the depths? Answer: Well, he’s definitely not in a temple. He can’t be found anywhere on earth. And he can’t be in the heavens. Maybe he’s in the underworld?

Isaiah asks God: Why do you make us wander from your ways and harden our hearts so we do not revere you? Answer: God must be crazy.

Isaiah asks: How then can we be saved? Answer: You can be saved if God randomly decides to turn a blind eye to what you did wrong.

Isaiah asks God: After all this, will you hold yourself back? Will you keep silent and punish us beyond measure? Answer: You haven’t seen the last of the Jews’ hardships, if that’s what you mean.

Isaiah’s questions for the Jews

Isaiah asks the people of Judah: Why should you be beaten anymore? Answer: Who’s beating them? God? Well, God never does anything without explaining his intentions to his prophets, and you’re a prophet. So if even you don’t know why he’s doing it, then I guess God must be beating people for no reason.

And he asks them: Why do you persist in rebellion? Answer: Probably because following God’s laws is unreasonably hard to do. Even Jesus thinks so.

When King Ahaz, misinterpreting the scriptures like a lot of religious people do, claims that God doesn’t want him to “put him to the test” by asking him to do something, despite the fact that God’s prophet has just told him to ask God for a miraculous sign, Isaiah asks Ahaz: Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Answer: I don’t know if he will (again), but he just did. He’s putting God’s patience to the test by refusing to “put the Lord to the test”.

Isaiah asks: Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Answer: Because they don’t see him doing anything for them.

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The Story of the Circum-Schism
Paul Hijacks Christianity

Ignorant outsider declares himself the authority on Christianity

When a man named Paul (also known as Saul) saw that Stephen had been killed, he approved. With the high priest’s permission, Paul started beating, imprisoning, and killing all the Christians he could find.

But then, while Paul was going from Jerusalem to Damascus, Jesus blinded him with a flash of light from heaven, and then sent a Christian from Damascus to un-blind him. Paul had a change of heart, but he just couldn’t make himself stop sinning.

Paul spent several days with the Christians in Damascus, during which he didn’t learn anything about Jesus from them. Then he suddenly started proclaiming that Jesus was the son of God, which confused everyone.

The Jews in Damascus wanted to kill Paul now that he was promoting Christianity. But he escaped back to Jerusalem, and tried to join the Christians there. At first they didn’t believe that their enemy was really a Christian now, but someone convinced them.

But then the Jews there tried to kill him too. So Paul went away and started preaching his own foolish message of Christianity to the world. People thought he was insane. Paul preached only to foreigners, who weren’t familiar with Jesus and so had no preconceived ideas of what he was actually like. Paul and his companions suggested that they might harm people who didn’t do what he thought God wanted. And the terrified foreigners complied.

Three years later, Paul went to Jerusalem briefly and met the Christians there for the first time, again. The apostle Peter (also known as Simon or Cephas) also started preaching Christianity to Gentiles, which the other Christians of Judea thought was wrong. They thought only Jews could be Christians. But Peter said he had had a dream that God told him to eat animals that were forbidden by God’s law. Therefore, it must be okay for Gentiles to be Christians.

Paul briefly questions the reliability of his knowledge about Jesus

Over a decade later, Paul heard that Christians from Judea were teaching Gentiles that they couldn’t be saved unless they were circumcised. Paul, having never actually met Jesus nor learned the original church’s doctrine, had been teaching something quite different. He had taught his followers that Jesus had made all those useless old Jewish laws obsolete. Especially circumcision.

So Paul decided to go to Jerusalem again, to talk with the apostles and make sure he was getting the message right. He found that, contrary to what he thought the spirit of Jesus had revealed to him, the original Christian church believed that all Christians had to follow all the Jewish laws, including circumcision. Peter, who tended to say foolish things, discussed the matter with Paul, who he thought was awfully hard to understand. They seemed to come to an agreement, but that didn’t last long.

The apostles sent Paul out with a letter telling the Gentile Christians that they only had to follow a few Jewish laws. But Paul really didn’t think even Jews needed to follow even those laws. He sometimes pretended to think people were still under the law though, in order to be more convincing to people who thought that way.

The original Christians attempt to debunk Paul’s misinformation

Then Jesus’s brother James convinced Peter and the rest of the Jewish Christian church and even Paul’s companion Barnabas that Gentile Christians did indeed have to live like Jews. Paul opposed them and called them hypocrites.

The Jewish Christian church in Jerusalem sent out their own missionaries to the foreign churches Paul had founded, teaching them their version of Christianity, which Paul disagreed with. They taught Paul’s followers that they had to obey the Jewish laws, including circumcision. They pointed out that they were Jesus’s own chosen apostles, and Paul was not. Some members of Paul’s churches started turning away from Paul and his comrade Apollos, and started following Peter.

So Paul started writing his followers defensive letters, proclaiming himself to be an apostle. He insulted and demonized the “other” apostles, insisting that they weren’t any better than him, and he didn’t need their opinions.

Paul’s insistence on lawlessness gets him arrested

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Paul Hijacks Christianity
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The Story of John the Baptist
Too Many Herods!

John the Baptist, a relative of Jesus, was in the wilderness of Judea, baptizing and insulting people. People thought he was demon-possessed. He made people get in the river, even though it’s possible to be baptized without getting wet at all.

Jesus (now grown up) came to the river where John was baptizing. John thought Jesus should be the one baptizing him, because he thought Jesus was greater than him. But Jesus wasn’t actually any greater than John, so Jesus had John baptize him instead.

Then John was put in prison for claiming that it was against the law for King Herod‘s son Herod to marry his niece Herodias after she divorced his brother Herod Philip. Herod and his wife Herodias both wanted to kill John, but Herod was hesitant to kill someone who was thought of as a prophet.

On Herod’s birthday, Herodias got her sexy daughter to help her convince Herod to have John beheaded immediately. Herod was very distressed at the thought of having to kill the man he wanted to kill. But he did it anyway, because he had promised to give his hot stepdaughter/niece whatever she asked for.

(Herodias’s daughter married Herod’s other brother who was also named Herod Philip. And later, she married the son of one of Herodias’s two brothers who were named Herod. Herodias’s other brother, Herod Agrippa, later persecuted the disciples of Jesus, and then an angel killed him for failing to point out that he wasn’t a god. Herod Agrippa’s son was… Herod Agrippa, who met the “apostle” Paul.)

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Too Many Herods!
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The Story of the Birth of Jesus
The Massacre of the Innocents

Over a hundred years after the time of Esther, Judea (the home of the Jews) was taken over by the Greeks when Alexander the Great arrived. And three hundred years after that, the Roman Empire took it over.

A carpenter named Joseph, who was descended from the kings of Judah, was engaged to a woman named Mary. Then God impregnated her, which nearly caused them to break up. But God insisted that Joseph should marry Mary anyway, so he did. But he didn’t have sex with her until after she gave birth to God’s baby, which they named Jesus.

While Mary was pregnant, Joseph decided to go to Bethlehem to take part in the governor Quirinius’s census of Judea. Even though Joseph didn’t live in Judea, and even though the census wouldn’t happen till several years later. And Jesus was born there.

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The Massacre of the Innocents
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The Story of Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and Daniel
Daniel in the Lions' Den

Fake fortune tellers exposed

After Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon captured Jehoiakim (the third-to-last king of Judah), the four smartest aristocratic young men in Judah were brought to Babylon to be Nebuchadnezzar’s advisers. Their names were Hananiah, Mishael, Azariah, and Daniel, but king Nebuchadnezzar renamed them Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and Belteshazzar. (Apparently one of those new names wasn’t so catchy.)

Nebuchadnezzar had a troubling dream about a big statue being smashed by a rock, which then became a huge mountain. He decided to see if his magicians could tell him what it meant. To make sure they were really capable of interpreting it, instead of telling them what he had dreamed about, he demanded that they tell him first. The magicians said that was impossible; only a god could do that. Since they couldn’t read his mind, the king decided to have all the wise men in Babylon killed for being frauds.

But the king’s wise adviser Daniel said that wouldn’t be necessary, because his God could help him do what the king demanded. Daniel described the dream and said it was a prediction about the kingdoms that would come after Nebuchadnezzar’s. The king was very impressed, and he promoted Daniel and his friends to high positions.

Daniel obeys the king

After he had a dream about a huge statue, Nebuchadnezzar decided to make a huge statue. He decreed that everyone had to worship the statue or die. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to worship it, so the king had them tied up and thrown into a furnace. Daniel didn’t get thrown into the furnace, so apparently he was willing to worship the king’s idol.

God sent an angel to protect Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and they came out of the furnace unharmed. The king was very impressed, and he promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to high positions.

God continues to communicate badly

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Daniel in the Lions’ Den
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The Story of the Exile of Israel and Judah
The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms

Where the Samaritans came from, according to the Jews

Jotham’s son Ahaz was an evil king of Judah, so God sent the kings of Israel and Aram to fight against him and defeat him after God had promised they wouldn’t defeat him.1 After God predicted Assyria would destroy Judah, Ahaz got the king of Assyria to instead help him attack Israel, by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God.

Hoshea, the next king of Israel, was an evil traitor. When the king of Assyria found that out, he took Hoshea prisoner and conquered his country, putting an end to the kingdom of Israel. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, becoming the Ten Lost Tribes. The king of Assyria sent foreign pagans to settle in the former land of Israel, becoming Samaritans.

How Hezekiah used the gift of success

Ahaz’s son Hezekiah was the most righteous king Judah ever had. So God made him successful at everything. Hezekiah successfully convinced God to let his people break God’s law by celebrating the Passover in any way they wanted.

He successfully rebelled against the king of Assyria, so God told the king of Assyria to destroy Judah. But righteous Hezekiah kept the king of Assyria from conquering Judah by giving him all the gold and silver from the temple of God (which his father had already given to the king of Assyria). After Hezekiah successfully convinced the king of Assyria not to conquer Judah, the king of Assyria continued to try to conquer Judah, as God had commanded him, until God got him killed.

Hezekiah got sick, and God sent a prophet to tell him that he would never recover. But Hezekiah successfully convinced the never-changing God to change his mind, and so he recovered anyway.

Men from Babylon came to visit Hezekiah, and he showed them all the treasure and stuff he owned. The prophet told Hezekiah that now that the Babylonians knew about all that treasure, they were going to steal it all some day. And they would kidnap and castrate some of Hezekiah’s descendants. Righteous Hezekiah said he didn’t mind that, since he wouldn’t be around when it happened.

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The End of the Independent Hebrew Kingdoms
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The Story of the Good Kings of Judah
No Rest for the Righteous

After Queen Athaliah was murdered, she was replaced by the seven-year-old king Joash. He reigned for 40 years, doing what was right. Joash had two wives, and he wouldn’t worship God or listen to his prophets. God got Joash severely wounded in battle, and then his own officials murdered him.

Joash was succeeded by his son Amaziah, who killed his father’s murderers. He reigned for 29 years, doing what was right. Just like his father, Amaziah wouldn’t worship God or listen to his prophets. So God got the king of Israel to attack Judah, and then Amaziah got murdered, too.

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No Rest for the Righteous
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The Story of Jonah and the Fish
It was This Big!

God told a prophet named Jonah to go to the Assyrian city of Nineveh and announce that it would be destroyed soon. But Jonah knew God well enough to know that he wouldn’t actually do what he said he would do. Jonah didn’t think it would be right to deliver a false prophecy, so he ran away from God and hid on a ship that was going somewhere else.2

But God sent a storm, which nearly wrecked the ship. The sailors found out that Jonah had angered his God and brought a storm on their ship. So Jonah suggested they throw him overboard, to divert God’s wrath away from the ship. But the sailors didn’t want to kill him. They tried to sail back and return him to land, so he could resume his mission.

But God liked Jonah’s idea better, so he made the storm worse and prevented them from getting back to land. So the sailors reluctantly threw Jonah overboard, and the storm stopped. God sent a huge fish, which swallowed Jonah and then threw him up on land three days later.

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It was This Big!
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The Story of Elisha and the Mean Boys
God Rescues His Servant From Persecution

The life of Elijah the prophet ended when God took him up to heaven in a whirlwind. He was succeeded by his servant Elisha, who gained the ability to do miracles like Elijah had done. As Elisha was walking along, a bunch of boys saw him and started making fun of him because he was bald. This bothered Elisha, so he stopped to put a curse on them. Then God sent two bears out of the woods to maul the mean little boys, so the bald prophet could continue on his way without anyone reminding him that he was bald.

The end.

The moral of the story

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God Rescues His Servant From Persecution
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